fear of disappointment essay

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Dealing with Disappointment

• Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries

There are more- and less-healthy ways to cope with it.

Disappointments are inevitable, and how we cope with them is often a defining moment in our lives. How we respond to disappointment is often influenced by our upbringing; some people seek to avoid disappointment by underachieving (setting their expectations permanently low) while others seek to avoid it by overachieving (setting their expectations unattainably high). Regardless of which way we lean, we can learn to respond healthily to disappointment by adopting a coping style that seeks to understand what happened, checks whether our expectations were reasonable, reevaluates our perceptions and behaviors, and seeks positive solutions instead of dwelling on the past. Introspection can be helpful, but rumination is often not. Although disappointment is inevitable, being discouraged is always a choice.

Robert didn’t know what to think. How could he have misjudged the situation so badly? He felt angry, sad, and betrayed.

• MV Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries is a management scholar, a psychoanalyst, and an executive coach. He is the Distinguished Clinical Professor of Leadership Development and Organizational Change at INSEAD.

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Nick Wignall

• Post date October 10, 2021

How to Get Over Fear of Disappointing Others (FODO)

• Tags anxiety

You’ve probably heard of FOMO, fear of missing out—but what about FODO, fear of disappointing others?

While it has less name recognition than its more popular sibling, fear of disappointing others is every bit as important to come to terms with because of its subtle but significant long-term consequences…

Often chronic stress, anxiety, overwhelm, and even burnout are driven primarily by FODO.

Quick example:

A lot of people who struggle with chronic stress and burnout at work have a hard time setting boundaries. If your CEO keeps piling on the work, but you can’t say no and set healthy boundaries, well, it’s not hard to see why you’re feeling constantly overwhelmed.

But why is it so hard to set boundaries and say no?

Well, part of the reason may be a lack of knowledge about what healthy boundary setting actually looks like. But if you’re honest, saying no isn’t that hard technically speaking. The real challenge is how you feel about it—or more specifically, how you’re afraid to feel about it.

See, when you imagine yourself having a conversation with your boss or CEO about your workload, what probably comes up is fear—and more than likely, fear that they will feel disappointed in you for saying no.

Now, this fear of disappointment might take different forms like fear that their pristine image of you as the hardest worker in the company will be shattered. Or that they’ll regret mentoring you when you were a new hire right out of college.

Whatever the case may be, the important thing to see is this:

You’re stressed out because you can’t say no. And you’re unwilling to say no because you’re afraid someone will feel disappointed with you.

This means that if you want to deal with your chronic stress (or anxiety, burnout, overwhelm, etc) you have to deal with the root cause, which in many cases is actually a hidden fear of disappointing others.

So how can I get rid of my fear of disappointing others? Is there a cure for FODO?

Like any excessive fear—from public speaking to arachnophobia —there’s only one way to get over it: You have to face it, repeatedly and willingly.

The only way to replace excessive fear with confidence is to prove to your brain that the thing it’s terrified of isn’t actually dangerous. And to do this, you have to willingly expose yourself to it and all the fear that comes along with it. Because it’s only by approaching things we’re afraid of, instead of avoiding them, that our brain learns to stop fearing them.

This means that if you want to get over your excessive fear of disappointing others, you have to be willing to do the thing that might lead to them feeling disappointed—explaining to your family you’re not going to host the Christmas party this year, for example—and tolerate the fear that comes with it.

Sounds good. But how do I actually do it?!

I have some thoughts ????

How to Get Over Fear of Disappointing Others: 6 Tips

Here are a handful of tips to get you started working through your FODO.

1. Consider the costs of your FODO.

One effective way to boost your motivation to face your fear of disappointing others is to remind yourself of the costs and consequences of never saying no.

For example, if you’re struggling to end a relationship because of FODO, you might consider what costs you’re incurring by staying in the relationship:

• It’s stressing you out that you know you want to break it off but haven’t done it yet.
• All the time and energy you’re pouring into a relationship that isn’t right is time and energy you could be investing in a relationship that is right for you.
• Similarly, all the emotional energy you’re spending worrying and stressing over this decision is energy that you now don’t have to be present and emotionally available for other important people in your life.

In other words, there are emotional opportunity costs to your fear of disappointing others and avoiding facing up to that fear. And painful as it may be, facing up to those costs can boost your motivation to change and do something different. Just make sure you approach them from a place of self-compassion , not self-criticism.

Learn More: 5 Habits for Greater Self-Compassion

2. Remember that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions.

You can’t be held responsible for things you can’t control. You wouldn’t blame someone for being short or having brown eyes, right? Of course not! And that’s because A) there’s nothing morally wrong with having brown eyes, and B) they have no control over it.

Similarly, whether someone else feels disappointed in you may be unfortunate, but it’s neither morally wrong nor something you have direct control over. How we feel is the result of how we think. Which means other people’s emotions are their responsibility, not yours.

Of course, you do have a responsibility to behave well—because your behavior is something you can control. But how another person interprets and feels about your behavior is not something you can control. And therefore, isn’t something you ought to judge as right or wrong, good or bad.

You are responsible for your actions, not other people’s feelings.

Learn More: How to Manage Other People’s Bad Moods Like a Pro

3. Reframe your fear as uncomfortable, not dangerous.

Remember that emotions like fear and anxiety are uncomfortable—painful even—but not themselves dangerous…

• No matter how afraid you feel, your fear can’t hurt you.
• No matter how nervous you feel, nervousness itself can’t hurt you.
• Even panic , the most extreme form of anxiety, isn’t itself dangerous.

One of the reasons we have such a hard time facing our fears is because our tolerance for fear itself is so low. And it’s low because we mistakenly assume that because fear and anxiety feel bad, they are bad. And as a result, that we should avoid them.

If you’re going to get over your fear of disappointing others, you’re going to have to face that fear head on. Which means you’re going to have to willingly feel afraid and tolerate that feeling for a while.

So remember:

Just because it feels bad doesn’t mean it is bad.

Reframe your fear as uncomfortable but not dangerous and you’ll be a little more likely to tolerate it instead of impulsively trying to avoid it.

Learn More: Helpful Tools for Anxiety and Worry

4. Use reverse empathy to build some initial confidence.

One of the ironic things about FODO is that you’ve probably got a double standard for it when it comes to you vs other people.

For example: If a good friend had something important to tell you but was afraid of disappointing you, you would want them to tell you, right? And more than likely if you even felt disappointed at all it would probably be way less than what they’re imagining, right?

So, your standard for other people is different than the one you have for yourself.

Well, if you want to get over your fear of disappointing others, one way to look at it is that you just have to apply the same standard you already apply to other people to yourself.

And one way to do this is through a little practice I call reverse empathy.

Typically, we build empathy by putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes—imaging what life and the world must be like given their own viewpoint and experiences.

Reverse empathy means putting yourself in your own shoes when you’ve experienced something similar to what you’re afraid of someone else experiencing.

For example: If you’re afraid to give a good friend some difficult criticism or feedback and are afraid of disappointing them, think back on a time when a good friend had the courage to be honest with you.

Often this simple reframe of reverse empathy can give you an initial boost of confidence to take action.

Learn More: How to Have Difficult Conversations (Podcast)

5. Start with the 30% version and work your way up.

If you wanted to run a marathon, you probably wouldn’t just lace up your running shoes and go run 26.2 miles for the obvious reason that we need to work up to difficult challenges.

Similarly, if you have to do something difficult that you’re really afraid might disappoint someone else, wouldn’t it make sense to work up to it gradually so you can build competence and confidence?

Let’s say you want to quit your job. But you’re terrified of disappointing your boss because they’ve been so great to you and invested so much in you both personally and professionally.

Instead of assuming you need to just summon a massive amount of willpower and go do it, why not work up to it by practicing this skill of tolerating fear and being willing to do what’s right even though someone else might get disappointed?

For example: You might practice giving some difficult but constructive feedback to your coworker after presentations even though normally it’s the kind of thing you just wouldn’t say anything about. It’s not nearly as hard as telling your boss you’re quitting, but it’s still exercising that same muscle you’ll need in the future.

In other words, if you can practice tolerating the fear of disappointing others in small ways (the 30% version), you’ll be that much more confident when you finally decide to accept the big fear (the 100% version).

Learn More: How to Give Negative Feedback Well

6. Watch out for fake guilt.

Fake guilt is when you mistakenly interpret a difficult emotion like sadness or pity as guilt.

For example: A good friend gives you an opportunity to invest in their company. You’re excited for them and their new venture, plus you think it could be a very lucrative investment. But you’ve committed to putting all of your extra financial resources for the next couple years into savings for your children’s college fund.

However, you’re struggling to say no because you’d feel too guilty rejecting their new venture that they’ve worked so hard on.

Technically speaking what you’re feeling there isn’t guilt. Guilt is a relatively “narrow” emotion meaning it doesn’t happen that often. To feel guilty you have to have knowingly done something immoral. Which, for most of us, doesn’t happen that often. And in the example above, while it might feel sad or disappointing that you can’t invest in your friend’s company, it’s not morally wrong, which means guilt isn’t the appropriate label for what you’re feeling.

But we often end up mislabeling sadness or some other sadness-related emotion as guilt because however bad guilt feels, it gives us an illusion of control. When you’ve done something wrong, you can usually alleviate that feeling of guilt somewhat by making restitution.

Sadness, on the other hand, is the result of loss, which by definition means you’re helpless to actually do anything. So rather than experience the pain of helplessness, we label the feeling guilt because it makes us feel a little less helpless.

In any case, if you struggle with fear of disappointing others, fake guilt might be a subtle but powerful reason why.

Learn More: Do You Suffer From Fake Guilt?

All You Need to Know

If you struggle with chronic stress, anxiety , overwhelm, or burnout, there’s a good chance that the root cause is FODO, fear of disappointing others. This means addressing this fear is the key to managing those other secondary struggles.

Here are a few tips for getting over your fear of disappointing others:

• Consider the costs of your FODO.
• Remember that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions.
• Reframe your fear as uncomfortable, not dangerous.
• Use reverse empathy to build some initial confidence.
• Start with the 30% version and work your way up.
• Watch out for fake guilt.

13 Comments

For years I’ve been trying to get to the root cause of my husband’s ‘yes man’ attitude and chronic lies. The lies are always to cover up any mistake he may have made, thing he may have forgotten to do etc. He burned out completely at work as a project leader because he kept on accepting the extra work which was being piled on to him. He did this knowing full well he couldn’t possibly handle the burden as he was already struggling with the workload. He wouldn’t even let on to his boss that he was struggling and so of course received no help or guidance on the matter, just constant critique from above that he didn’t get this or that done on time, resulting in huge fines for the company, that his work was sloppy, clients complaining that he didn’t call them as arranged (he wouldn’t even call to cancel as he couldn’t face it) and hasn’t done what he said on time causing problems for other workers on the site. At home he’d always lie when asked “did you go to the post office (as agreed)?” If he didn’t, because of the workload or simply forgot, he’d fabricate an excuse such as there wasn’t one in the area where he was working or they were closed or there was a huge queue.. he’d never ever admit he forgot. If he was supposed to make an important phone call, say to confirm an appointment for that same evening, but forgot, he’d lie and say he tried several times but couldn’t get through. This has been an issue for years and years. He can’t even tel his parents that our daughter has mental health problems and will be going into the psychiatric hospital for observation and evaluation! They’re clueless. He just makes up excuse after excuse as to why he can’t pop round with the kids when they ask to see them. This of course is going to have huge repercussions further down the line.. I believe after reading your article that we may finally have found the answer and will definitely take it with us to his first appointment with a psychologist coming up next month. Thank you so much! Keep up the good work, Simone

Thank you, Simone. And best of luck with your guys’ situation and especially your daughter.

Thanks Nick,it’s so refreshing to look at old patterns in your very clear ways! A great help to beginning again!

You bet, Rosemarie!

Hi Simone, I just read your comment and I understand so much of your husband because I struggle with similar things too. My husband tells me all of the time that he can’t trust me because I’m not dependable (i.e. I will tell him I can do something and never do it because I either forgot and don’t have the capacity) and I do lie to cover up my mistakes. I never realized until I was married but lying is a way of life to cover things up so people don’t get mad with me.

So much of mine is the fear of disappointing and people getting angry with me….the consequences of “speaking up” or doing something for me. But there’s also a huge component of shame. It’s a core shame of who I am and believing I’m fundamentally flawed. This one runs deep and I’m currently doing trauma therapy (EMDR) for some things that happened in my childhood.

I share all of this with you to provide some insight into your husband because I know how hard it is from his perspective and how hard it is on you as his spouse. I also hope it helps shed some light on to what you can talk to a counselor or psychologist about.

Best, Elizabeth

Super brave posts this , helpful for me to read. So thank you , good luck with the therapy. I’m not yr original poster but thought I’d just say thanks anyway . Best Sarah

The timing of this is impeccable, thank you for clearing some things up for me.

You’re very welcome, Sunni!

As Sunni said, perfect timing. I was about to go somewhere this morning that I felt I “should” even though I was pretty sure my mind and body were too exhausted to handle it. I actually had my keys in hand and the garage door open when my mind just said “NO, you’re not going.” I went back into my house and did some things that I’d been putting off because I was too busy, and now I’m sitting on my patio getting some much-needed sunshine and reading this article. The little voice in my head keeps popping up to ask me if I made the right decision but I’m doing my best to push it aside and focus on not feeling responsible just for a little while.

I’ve been appreciating your posts on Medium for a while. This is one LZ among others, like them… it’s in the swamp. I have a lot of work to do, keep writing, I’ll keep listening even in the fog.

Sorry about the icon there, not directed to you my friend.

I am a typical example of this dieasease all. Sometimes i run into problems with one of my relatives whose son i pay for him tuition fee. So atymes i do not have money when its time to get back to school. When he calls me to remind me, i have the courage to pick up and we talk on phone, here at this stage i have the courage to tell me him that i am broke that i will make at the end of the month. But when he insists in another call the fear to pick up comes in and i end up not picking then he gets mad at me and when he pushes me further the fear turns into anger and resentment. Is this reaction normal. The challenge is that it is hard to get pyschatrists in Africa to get counselling. Do you have online assitance procedures?

I so needed these tips . Thank you ????????… I want to work on this so badly

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Home — Essay Samples — Life — Fear of Failure — The Fear of Failure As My Biggest Failure in Life

Why My Biggest Fear is Failure

• Categories: Failure Fear Fear of Failure

About this sample

Words: 595 |

Published: Sep 1, 2020

Words: 595 | Page: 1 | 3 min read

Works Cited

• Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
• Duckworth, A. L. (2016). Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Scribner.
• Duckworth, A. L., Peterson, C., Matthews, M. D., & Kelly, D. R. (2007). Grit: perseverance and passion for long-term goals. Journal of personality and social psychology, 92(6), 1087.
• Freud, S. (1930). Civilization and its Discontents. Hogarth Press.
• Lazarus, R. S., & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, appraisal, and coping. Springer Publishing Company.
• Pintrich, P. R., & Schunk, D. H. (2002). Motivation in Education: Theory, Research, and Applications (2nd ed.). Prentice Hall.
• Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.
• Seligman, M. E. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being. Atria Books.
• Sweeny, K., & Duckworth, A. L. (2019). Failure as Fuel: A Self-Regulatory Approach. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 13(11), e12508.
• Tice, D. M., & Bratslavsky, E. (2000). Giving in to feel good: The place of emotion regulation in the context of general self-control. Psychological Inquiry, 11(3), 149-159.

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Don’t let me down: how to get over a fear of disappointing others

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Why do we fear disappointing others?

Overachievers and underachievers: two sides of the same coin, why it’s hard to let go, how to get over a fear of disappointing others, the only opinion that matters is yours.

“I’m not mad; I’m disappointed.” 

This is one of the most devastating things you could hear from someone you love. Disappointment is somehow worse than outright anger. If someone is disappointed, it means they believe in you. And when you fail to live up to that standard, you’re not only failing them — you’re falling short of a better version of yourself.

Fear of disappointment isn’t always a bad thing. After all, you’re a functioning member of society with emotional intelligence . You don’t want to let people down.

You’ve probably been taught this from a young age. And studies show that kids with overcontrolling parents often grow up to be less assertive, independent, and autonomous in their adult relationships.

Parents who don’t let you fail do you a disservice, but so do parents with unreasonably high expectations. Both can often hold people back from reaching their full potential at work and in life.

But letting go of people’s expectations is essential to living happily. We know you’re doing your best, so here’s some guidance to help overcome your fear of disappointing others.

A lot of people with low self-esteem tie their sense of self to external factors. High-achieving students might tie their self-esteem to grades and employees with imposter syndrome seek external validation from their boss due to low self-worth and insecurity. In the same vein, people who fear disappointment tie their well-being to other people’s opinions.

Caring about what others think isn’t inherently bad. Your society is built on norms and values, some of which are essential to maintaining harmony among diverse groups of people. 

Here are some reasons you’d fear disappointing others:

• You’re anxious that people will be mad at you for saying no 
• You feel they need your help to succeed
• You don’t want to be viewed as unreliable 
• You think you need to be in control of all situations 
• You’re not being honest with yourself about how much you can handle 
• You haven’t set effective boundaries 
• You’re terrified of making mistakes

If you, for no reason at all, cut in line at Starbucks or refuse to give up your bus seat to someone disabled, other people would (rightfully) have a negative opinion of you. And you would be right to change your behaviors accordingly.

But, at some point in your early life, you may have been reprimanded for setting otherwise healthy boundaries . This can lead to a fear of self-advocacy in adulthood, which can manifest through people-pleaser behaviors and a fear of disappointing your loved ones.

When it comes to your work life, the fear of letting people down manifests as overachievement or underachievement.

Atelophobia and overachievement

Overachievers are people who fear settling for anything less than the best. They’ll push themselves to the brink — often to the detriment of their own physical and mental health — in pursuit of unrealistic standards. 

A person who overachieves isn’t always concerned about disappointing others, but overachievement is a common symptom of atelophobia — an anxiety disorder characterized by an obsessive fear of imperfection and disappointment. 

If they fail to meet their ambitious goals, they easily fall into a spiral of self-doubt and self-criticism . This puts them at an increased risk of depression and anxiety. 

And the pressure to consistently perform at a high level can lead to chronic stress , which has its own set of physical health risks — such as high blood pressure , diabetes , and heart disease .

Underachievers and avoidance

Underachievers are people who don’t put much effort into setting and pursuing goals. 

More often than not, you would be wrong to attribute this condition to laziness . It usually stems from being under-challenged or over-challenged in childhood, leading to unfair expectations about how well they should perform. 

Let’s consider a child who shows promise in math. In one scenario, a family member tells them to “stop being a know-it-all” because it makes their siblings feel bad. In this case, the child learns to hide their skills and underachieve for fear of upsetting others. They might develop a fear of success because it creates uncomfortable situations.

An extreme reaction in the other direction would yield a no better result. The child’s parent excitedly registers the child for a national math competition. This would put a lot of stress and pressure on the young one, leading to atychiphobia — an extreme fear of failure . This negative personal experience teaches the child that high achievement isn’t worth it. 

Both of these examples incentivize avoidance and create a fear of setting goals and achieving them. After all, why would you use your skills if they brought negative outcomes?

Learn how to set appropriate goals with BetterUp . With one of our coaches, you can divide your milestones into small, achievable steps. With every win, we’ll be right here celebrating with you.

Letting go of your fear of disappointment doesn’t mean letting people down left and right. 

Rather, it’s about stopping people-pleasing behaviors that hurt you — even if that means disappointing people sometimes.

These behaviors can be difficult to recognize, mostly because it can be difficult to distinguish between altruistic and self-protective reasons for serving others.

Altruistic reasons stem from your desire to help people you care about. These people support you when you need them, so you’re willing to return the favor. For example:

• You made a commitment. You promised your sister you would babysit your nephew this weekend so she can spend quality time with her partner. You want to cancel, but this would ruin her plans. If your sister is a positive presence in your life, it might not be worth straining the relationship by breaking your promise.
• You started something, so you have to finish it. Knowing when to quit is a skill in itself. But if you promised a friend you’d complete an exercise class with them, it might be better to follow through. Your friend may depend on you for moral support.

Self-protective reasons stem from your fear of disappointing others — and they usually harm you more than they protect

• You’re avoiding conflict. A difficult co-worker won’t stop speaking over you in a meeting. Instead of confronting them afterward, you choose to keep it to yourself because you don’t want to upset them. In the long run, this only deprives you of the opportunity to show off your skills and add value to your team.
• You say what you think people want to hear. You said “yes” to an extra project because you thought that’s what your boss wanted from you. But you already have a list a mile long. Now you’re working too much and risking burnout because you couldn’t say no .

It’s difficult to parse which reasons drive your actions. Perhaps you couldn't say no to your boss because you genuinely respect them, even though you’re harming yourself in the process.

Or you can’t babysit your nephew because you have a cold and need rest, but you go through with it anyway because your sister needs you. Now you risk getting her nephew sick and worsening your own condition. 

To a degree, disappointing others is inevitable. You need to learn to let go of that fear to better put yourself first. The people who love you will understand that sometimes, you just can’t handle everything by yourself. And that’s OK. 

Learning how to say no is a strength, and you should be proud of your ability to set healthy boundaries and prioritize tasks on your to-do list. You can’t please everyone.

Getting over your fear of disappointing others will take some effort. But these tips can point you in the right direction:

1. Give others permission to feel

People have agency over their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. You can’t control them, nor do you have the right to.

Let them feel their emotions because they have nothing to do with you. Their disappointment is their business — they’re free to process it as they see fit.

2. Consider the costs of your fear

Every time you make a decision, you must evaluate your needs in relation to the moment’s needs. If your colleague asks for a favor but you’re already swamped, you might need to say no. But if your best friend needs help moving and you have free time, your decision might be different. Be mindful in your daily life.

3. Flip the script with reverse empathy

If you asked your friend for a favor, but they said no because they’re sick, you probably wouldn’t give it a second thought. In fact, you may even be happy they’re taking time to rest.

Why wouldn’t they extend the same compassion to you? Don’t let your fear make you assume the worst in people — they can be more understanding than you think.

4. Start slow

You don’t need to master your fear all at once. Instead of jumping into big decisions that affect another person, you can start by practicing in lower-stake situations. Try giving constructive feedback to a colleague, even if you wouldn’t normally. This will help you work out your “anti-disappointment” muscle. 

5. Consider psychotherapy

Your desire to please others might come from places you’re unaware of. Whether you experienced unfair expectations in childhood or suffered from an abusive relationship, a mental health professional can help you work through these feelings to let go of your fear.

You have your own dreams, goals, and aspirations. Don’t let your fear of disappointing others deprive you of living your best life. 

This is easier said than done. Fear is a complex emotion that can be difficult to untangle. But, as you learn more about your own behaviors, you’ll soon be able to break toxic patterns. 

Every day, you should only worry about disappointing yourself. Then you can live by your own rules, free from the shackles of others’ expectations.

BetterUp can help you on your journey. Our coaches can help you set goals and develop skills that will lead you to success. Together, we can ensure you’re living life by your core values.

Understand Yourself Better:

Big 5 Personality Test

Elizabeth Perry, ACC

Elizabeth Perry is a Coach Community Manager at BetterUp. She uses strategic engagement strategies to cultivate a learning community across a global network of Coaches through in-person and virtual experiences, technology-enabled platforms, and strategic coaching industry partnerships. With over 3 years of coaching experience and a certification in transformative leadership and life coaching from Sofia University, Elizabeth leverages transpersonal psychology expertise to help coaches and clients gain awareness of their behavioral and thought patterns, discover their purpose and passions, and elevate their potential. She is a lifelong student of psychology, personal growth, and human potential as well as an ICF-certified ACC transpersonal life and leadership Coach.

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How to Get Over Your Fear of Disappointing Others

Alison Cook - November 15, 2022

Topic: Anxiety , Emotions , Fear , Vulnerability

I recently experienced a major health scare.

As I first started to wrap my mind around what happened to me medically, I knew I was going to have to carve out some time and space to heal. I was going to have to say “Yes” to taking time for myself, which would mean saying “No” to meaningful commitments and responsibilities.

In other words, I was going to have to disappoint some people.

I hate disappointing other people. I mean I really hate it. So, this new and unwanted situation launched a backlash of turmoil inside of me:

• What about the people who rely on me?
• I can’t inconvenience anyone!
• How can I feel good about myself and disappoint other people?

That last one got me thinking:

Why do we hitch our self-worth to how well we care for other people?

What if we measured our worth by how well we care for  ourselves  when we’re hurting?

Like many women, I am hard-wired to want to care well for other people. There is so much going on in our world right now, the last thing any of us wants is to add more challenges to someone else’s plate. However, my crisis meant I was going to have to do the very thing I hated. I was going to have to disappoint some people in order to prioritize my own health.

You may not have a crisis in your life that demands you change your schedule. But, my guess is that there are parts of you that could use a good dose of your time and attention. In order to meet your own neglected needs, you will likely need to face your fear of disappointing other people.

• Do you hate disappointing your kids, your friends, or your colleagues?
• Do you bend over backwards to make sure no one ever feels inconvenienced?
• Are you compulsively meeting every need around you?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, take notice.  Your fear of disappointing others may be keeping you from caring for yourself in the way God would want. (And, spoiler alert: it might not be good for those other people, either.)

Why do we fear disappointing others?

There are several altruistic reasons that you might fear disappointing others. For example, you:

• don’t want to break a commitment
• desire to meet the needs that are presented to you
• want to finish a job that you’ve started
• don’t want anyone else to suffer as a result of your actions.

There are also some self-protective reasons that we don’t want to disappoint others, such as:

• not wanting to appear flaky or irresponsible
• an aversion to conflict
• wanting people to like us
• feeling like we need to over-perform in order to earn respect.

The truth is all of these reasons are valid, and most of us are a mixture of altruistic and self-protective. Regardless of your motives, being responsible, committed, and aware of how your actions affect others are admirable qualities. But, these qualities can also get extreme. When you work too hard to keep everyone else happy you risk:

• leading other people on, only to let them down later
• stretching yourself beyond your limitations
• enabling others instead of empowering them
• making promises you can’t follow through on
• keeping your loved ones from lessons God has for them.

In short, it’s incredibly important to balance your responsibility to other people with a deep sense of responsibility to the parts of your own soul in need. It’s not only good for you; it’s good for other people.

Even God disappoints people.

In his beautiful book,  The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe  C.S. Lewis suggests that Jesus, represented by a lion in the character of Aslan, is good, but not necessarily safe. There is a sense in which Aslan’s ways are sometimes mysterious—even disappointing—to those who love him. If you read the Gospels, you see this to be true. Jesus disappointed his followers frequently (John 11:2-6; Luke 7:19; Luke 24:21.) Perhaps the biggest disappointment was that he didn’t overthrow the political powers in the way many of his followers had hoped. Instead, he allowed himself to be taken and crucified by them. Can you imagine the disappointment Jesus’s friends and followers felt at that moment?  They had pinned their hopes on this man. Disappointment had to be heavy.

Jesus didn’t always act in the way that his followers wanted. But, here’s the key: Jesus always acted out of a commitment to a Higher Good.

Jesus didn’t disappoint people because he was selfish. He disappointed people because he understood a much bigger picture than his followers did. He understood how important it was to:

• stay focused on what God wanted, not on pleasing other people.
• stay true to his calling, not on temporary distractions.
• focus on the long-game, not providing instant gratification.

There is a lesson here for us.

To live as Jesus did, you will have to face your fear of disappointing others.

You might have to disappoint someone, and that might indeed cause him or her pain. But, that doesn’t always mean you are doing something wrong. In order to disappoint others with integrity, you must have a clear sense of the “Yes” you are moving toward, even as you say “No” to other people.

Here are some good reasons to face your fear of disappointing other people:

1.) You or a loved one are going through a crisis and need space for your own healing.

2.) You have made new commitments at work, home, or church, which means you will need to scale back old ones.

3.) You are going through a major life transition, such as a move, a marriage, a divorce, empty nest, or having children.

4.) You are growing personally and healing parts of you that have related to others in unhealthy ways. Perhaps you have become aware of parts of you that have enabled other people. Or, you might have realized you’ve formed a habit of over-extending yourself. Extracting yourself from those relationship patterns may indeed cause disappointment, but growth requires it.

5.) You want to take more time to grow spiritually. God wants all of who you are. He won’t hesitate to nudge you toward more time with him and more time with yourself so that you can grow into more of who he made you to be. Stepping back to take more time to grow your roots deep might mean you have to disappoint other people.

Each of these items will require you to create space for yourself in new ways. When you create more space for healing and growth, you will inevitably disappoint other people. But remember: if it is good for you, it will also be good for those around you.

You can disappoint others with integrity.

Once you understand the healthy “Yes” you must say, you can then work on disappointing other people with integrity. The trick is to learn how to disappoint people without adding insult to injury. Here are some examples of how:

1.) Make a clean break.

If you have to let someone down, be clear and be kind. Don’t let it drag out. For example, if you have to end a commitment or a relationship, it’s better to be upfront about it. They might be hurt or angry, but they’ll also be free to move on apart from you.

2.) Don’t apologize if you haven’t done anything wrong.

This is a hard one for many women. For example, I had to work hard not to “apologize” for my health situation, even though it was obvious that I had done nothing wrong. Instead of apologizing you might say, “I regret that I can’t continue on with this group,” or “As hard as it is, I have arrived at this conclusion.”

3.) Don’t lie or make up excuses.

This is closely related to not apologizing. We tend to want to soften the blow by making up excuses that may seem more palatable to the other person. But, lying isn’t good for you and it’s not helpful to other people.

If you have to back out of a commitment (or say no to one in the first place), try to state the facts as honestly and simply as possible. For example, you might say:

“I need some time to myself right now. I’ll be ‘off the grid’ for awhile.”

“I have to pull back from this commitment for personal reasons. Here’s what I can do to support you as you find someone else.”

“I appreciate you, and I need to focus on my self/family/health. If you don’t hear from me, please know I’m doing what is best for me right now.”

“I won’t be able to take on that project. In order to honor my existing commitments, I have to say “No” to this one.”

4.) Don’t make it about you.

When you disappoint someone, it’s OK for them to express their disappointment. If appropriate, respond with empathy, such as, “I know this is hard for you. I understand it is an inconvenience.” You can honor their experience without apologizing, getting defensive, or backtracking. It’s also not their job to make you feel good about this decision you are making. If they do, that’s wonderful. But, you are not looking for validation at this point. Your goal is to communicate honestly and effectively.

5.) Don’t take abuse.

While it’s not their job to take care of your feelings, it’s also never OK for the disappointed person to become abusive toward you. Letting someone down might bring up emotion. That’s OK, but if the emotions turn toxic, you can simply excuse yourself. If the relationship is worthwhile, you’ll work through it. If not, then it’s better that you found out the kind of person you are dealing with.

As you face your fear of disappointing others, you gain humility and you gain confidence. You can’t please everybody around you, and it’s not a healthy goal to set for yourself. Instead of pleasing others, learn the power of saying “Yes” to yourself and “Yes” to the life God wants for you.

“To obey is better than sacrifice.”— 1 Samuel 15:22

Alison Cook

Alison Cook, MA, PhD  is a counselor, speaker, and writer who helps people become comfortable in their own skin and fully live out their God-given potential. She is the co-author of  Boundaries for Your Soul  (Thomas Nelson, 2018). Alison is uniquely gifted at helping people learn how to:

• Develop confidence from the inside out
• Transform anxiety and loneliness into peace and connection with others
• Turn off the internal negative voice and experience the true loving God who isn't trying to beat you up
• Heal lingering trauma from childhood wounds or abuse
• Forge healthy relationships with safe individuals

For over 15 years, Alison has helped create transformative results for women, ministry leaders, couples, and families. Alison's Christian adaptation of the fast growing, evidence-based Internal Family System (IFS) model of therapy provides a step-by-step approach to managing emotions in partnership with God.

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Trish Blackwell

Coaching your confidence and courage to that you finish what you start and contribute to the world in a way that matters.

Podcast #438

The fear of disappointment and how to move past it.

The fear of disappointment can keep you playing it safe and staying small on the sidelines of life. You may think you’re protecting yourself or being realistic, but really all you are doing is guaranteeing that your life as a whole will be less than you were created for, and that’s disappointing. Disappointment is part of being human, and when you learn how to feel through your disappointments, they end up being tools to deepen your confidence, hone your drive and leverage what really matters the most. Get the full show notes at  www.trishblackwell.com/438

In this episode of  The Confidence Podcast  we’re diving deep into disappointment, specifically:

• The relationship of disappointment to self-criticism
• How to process and feel disappointment
• The key to moving past it for good – and not being held back by the fear of it in your life

THANK YOU: PATRONS

Just some special love and deep gratitude your way for how you support the show. You are a small and mighty group and each and every one of your contributions feels like a big, warm, wiggle hug. Thank you.

Want to be part of the people who help keep this show going? Consider becoming a patron. Just go to  https://www.patreon.com/TheConfidencePodcast

REVIEW OF THE WEEK:

ALWAYS something to learn from Trish! 5-Stars, by Jen Zumbiel

I find myself in aw that Trish has 400+ episodes all on the same topic-  confidence. But every single time I am also amazed that she finds something new to speak to me about at just the right time I need to hear it. Trish is a force of good in a world that needs more people standing up in this virtue.

HOW DOES DISAPPOINTMENT DESTROY OUR CONFIDENCE?

Let’s talk briefly about the relationship with disappointment, our fear of disappointment and self-criticism. 

-Disappointment in ourselves

-Disappointment in others

-Disappointment in how our lives have panned out

-Disappointment in choices

Or even, the fear of

-Thinking you’re a disappointment

-Being told you are a disappointing

-The classic, “I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed”

-Telling yourself that you’ve disappointed God 

Disappointment seems to sting deep in our character, burning us at the core of our identity where it hurts the most. But we are separate from our disappointments, and our disappointments can’t and shouldn’t hold us back from living fully.

I paused many years of my life because of disappointment. I thought by trying to control more things, play it safe, set smaller – more controllable goals, not get my hopes up, etc that I was protecting myself from emotions I didn’t think “I could handle.”

• First – I didn’t know that I can handle anything. Maybe you don’t know that either. But it’s true, you can.
• Second – I protected myself, that’s for sure, but from a full, fulfilling and impact-making life. 
• Third – Disappointment is part of being human; it’s not something avoidable, either you let it make you miss out, or you embrace being willing to feel your feelings and move through them. 

THE FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT

Quotes on Disappointment:

Disappointment opens our hearts to know what we really care about. Don’t worry about the perceived closed door, focus instead on the open heart. More opportunity will come. 

-Trish Blackwell

We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain or regret or disappointment. –Jim Rohn

The principles of living greatly include the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and trail with humility. –Thomas S Monson

If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment. –Henry David Thoreau

Fear of disappointment is a false sense of control and a disillusioned belief that we can avoid a basic human emotion.

YES, I HAVE A NEW BOOK COMING OUT. 

It’s called  Straighten Your Crown: You’re a Daughter of the King

Pre-orders will be starting soon, but in celebration of our pre-launch, I am giving away a 5-day devotional.

Go to  www.straightenyourcrownbook.com  to grab the devotional and to make sure you get notified of when our pre-orders begin. We’re giving away audiobooks and some crazy giveaways when the pre-order window starts, so you definitely want to be on the list to be notified. 

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HOW TO MOVE PAST IT AND NOT LET THE FEAR OF POTENTIAL DISAPPOINTMENT HOLD YOU BACK

• Feel it completely.
• Be brave with your emotions.
• Focus more on the open heart, not the closed door.
• Think on (create belief) the opportunities to come and God’s provision in your life. 
• Deepen your commitment to what matters in your life. 

RESOURCES MENTIONED

Podcast #211 | The 4 Positive Ways to Deal with Disappointment https://www.trishblackwell.com/211-2/   Course: How to Feel Your Feelings, available to members of the College of Confidence www.collegeofconfidence.com

LISTENER OF THE EPISODE:

Candace Flores

Hello, I just wanted to thank you so much for writing this! It’s really helped me focus my attention to God and who I am meant to be. I wake up and meditate along with your morning meditation recording and almost have it memorized! I finish listening to your podcasts feeling encouraged and strong after. I feel the change; this shift in my posture, my attitude and well being. Thank you, again God Bless.

Jodie from IG

Hello there, I just want to stay by saying I’ve been listening to your podcast and you have done wonders for my confidence. You’re making such a positive difference to so many women’s lives!!! Your podcasts have provided a kind of therapy for me. Keep doing what you’re doing! 

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Related Episodes

#613: Adult Friendships: How To Not Make It So Hard

Friendship as an adult can be hard. Everyone is busy, and you find yourself surrounded by co-workers who have nothing in common with you, or neighbors you don’t like. You know you’re great at friendship, and you love having a solid social group, but it feels like everyone you care most about is drifting and less available than ever before…busy pursuing a new relationship, starting a family or chasing a work career in a city that’s far away from you. You stay in touch, but it’s just not the same. Or maybe you are surrounded by people, but you can’t find “your people,” you know, the group where you fit in and really feel like yourself and like you belong. The good news is that you’re not alone, and that friendship doesn’t have to be that hard. This episode will help you feel more confident in your proactive pursuit of being a social network that is right for you and that increases the satisfaction you feel in the day-to-day life you are living.

✅ ‌ FREE CLASS! LEARN HOW TO STOP CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK ‌

Don’t forget to sign up for our free “How to Stop Caring What People Think” webinar masterclass at https://www.trishblackwell.com/stopcaring ‌

✅‌ GET ACCELERATED RESULTS:

Our next-level coaching happens at: http://www.collegeofconfidence.com

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Anxiety used to rule my life. I woke up with it and went to bed with it. I felt like a prisoner to it. If you ever struggle with anxiety, this episode is for you. In the episode I’m going to teach you the two most effective techniques I have used that have enabled me to neutralize and have power over the anxious voice in my life. We’re going to talk about management tools for those of us who are anxiety prone, and as someone with a history and intimate relationship with anxiety, I’m going to share some of my daily power phrases and affirmations that help me walk in peace and mute the voice of anxiety.

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Do You Have a Fear of Disappointing Others? How to Conquer It for Good

It’s completely normal to care and worry, but once we allow the fear of disappointing others to take over, we’re simply hitting our own head against the wall.

Somewhere along the way, society seems to have glorified this feeling to be something positive as it means you care, but the fear of disappointing others can be a powerful negative emotion that can eat away from your own happiness.

This article takes you through 6 steps that will help you conquer the fear of disappointing others.

1. Accept You’ll Never Be Enough (In the Eyes of Others)

This may sound harsh, but it’s important to remember that if your goal is to please everyone – then you’re setting yourself up to fail. Even if you act exactly (how you think is) right, there will always be people with different perspectives and views on how things should be. The idea that you can please everyone is unfortunately delusional, because it’s simply impossible.

Strangers, family, and friends all have different ideas about what’s wrong or right. Their idea of good behavior might be somewhat close to each other, or really really far away from each other – in the end it doesn’t matter, because they will never completely align with each other which means you will always fail and disappoint someone.

Mark Manson explains our differences as humans like this: [1]

”The questions is not whether we evaluate ourselves against others; rather, the question is by what stand do we measure ourselves.”  

So, to sum up this theory: We measure everything from success to happiness (and in this case what’s wrong or right) completely different. We have different values, which means we measure things according to own (different) metrics.

We like the idea of perfection, but as soon as we realize we’re most definitely not anywhere near that, and we won’t ever be enough in everyone’s eyes, then you can start growing and letting go of the fear.

2. Really Push Yourself out of Your Comfort Zone

A comfort zone is nice and comfy, but it stands in the way of growth. We can’t ever move forward and go further, if we stand still – and that’s exactly what you do in your comfort zone. You’re standing still in a frozen moment that you’re familiar with and know all too well.

Sometimes the only way to conquer fear is through pushing yourself into uncomfortable situations, but it can of course be extremely scary to push yourself out of your comfort zone .

Start out with something small. It can be a task that you’ve been putting off, because the whole idea of this scenario makes you feel uncomfortable. It can be anything from telling your partner something that’s been on your mind (but you’re afraid of their reaction or letting them down) to taking a fitness class that you feel you aren’t fit enough to take.

We all started out with baby steps once.

Even when you just push yourself to do one little thing, you’ll be left with a big relief and feel much stronger, because nine out of ten times it’s never as scary or uncomfortable as we had imagined in our head. After you’ve felt how good it feels to conquer you fears – big or small – you’ll automatically want to challenge yourself more and more.

If you’re still wondering if it’s necessary to step out of your comfort zone, here’s the answer for you .

3. Analyze Your Behavior

Sometimes we need to take a step back and take a look at ourselves. Why are your reaction like this? Where does your fear come from? Do you get anxious about it and why?

It helps to take a deeper look. Therapy can be a great option if you want another (and professional) perspective, or you can try to go back and look at your past yourself.

The fear of disappointing others is very normal, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not a trait in ourselves that has been created because of our childhood, a trauma, or past relationships. The way we react to others is often more about ourselves than them.

One example of our behavior towards others can be explained through the attachment theory: [2]

”The basic premise is that we’re not all the same when it comes to intimacy and commitment. Instead, we each have a relatively consistent ‘attachment style… This, the theory claims, is largely down to our upbringing. But it can also be influenced in later life by our adult relationships, seeing a psychologist or suffering trauma.”

While this attachment theory takes premise in romantic relationships and how we react to intimacy and commitment, the theory is still very useful when you’re trying to understand why you have a fear of disappointing others around you.

The attachment theory has different attachment styles that relates back to our upbringing. If you take a closer look at the different styles and how the types react in situations, it’s fairly easy to place yourself. This will help you get a better understanding of yourself, as well as why you react a certain way, and where this fear comes from.

4. Set up Boundaries

It’s important to set up boundaries in your life, especially emotional boundaries. Don’t let people mistake your kindness for weakness.

If you’re reading this, then you’re most likely interested in pleasing people around you. Which is definitely not a bad thing. You want to make people happy and you enjoy helping others, but if you’re always acting this way towards everyone, then you’ll come across people who’ll take advantage of it at one point.

Take a look at the different relationships in your life and learn to set up boundaries: How to Take Control of Your Life with Better Boundaries

5. Don’t Personalize People’s Reactions

The reason why someone reacts or acts towards you in a certain way may often not even be about you. You may be fearful of saying no to someone, because you fear their reaction, but how do you know the reaction you’ll get it based on you and not other factors?

Let’s say a person invites you to a party and you’re afraid of saying no, because it would disappoint them – how do you actually know this? Maybe you’re telling yourself that you know this person and therefore you know they’ll react negatively, or you’ve seen them react a certain way towards another person that said no, but maybe none of this had anything to do with you and whether or not you’re disappointing them.

The person might react angry or upset to the outside world simply because that’s how this person reacts to news that don’t align with their plan (but this doesn’t mean they think anything negatively about you). Or the person might seem upset, because they don’t want to jump up and down of joy after you just told them you weren’t showing up.

Jennice Vilhauer, Ph.D explains it like this: [3]

“Personalization sounds like this: If I don’t get what I want it means I am not good enough and don’t deserve it. When you overly personalize a disappointment, you make it about who you are as a person and do not take into account the many situational factors that had nothing to do with you”.

Don’t (over) analyze situations and personalize people’s reactions to your actions. Base your actions on your values and what you know.

6. Revaluate Your Own Values

If you want to let go of the fear of disappointing others, then you need to figure out who you are exactly first. What are your values? What do you want to stand for? Are you acting accordingly to who you want to be – and if not – what can you do to change this?

Our own core values are tricky to figure out completely. It takes time and it’s a never-ending process, because we (hopefully) don’t ever stop moving and growing. We change over time; we grow and so does our mind.

But if we don’t take the necessary time to get to know ourselves, revaluate our values, and understand what we want for ourselves, then we’ll fall into the pressure of what others think and we’ll get easily effected by their opinion of us.

If you’d like to figure out your own values better, take a look at this article: Knowing My Values Has Filled up the Long-Existed Missing Gap in My Life

The Bottom Line

Fear can be scary and overwhelming, so we need to be able to go back to our gut instinct and rely on that.

The more comfortable and good you feel about your own actions, the easier it will be to let go of the stress and fear of disappointing others.

In the end, people may not be pleased with your actions – but this way you will be.

More About Conquering Fear

• 10 Fears Holding You Back from Creativity and How to Beat Them
• Why You Have the Fear of Failure (And How to Conquer It Step-By-Step)
• How to Overcome Your Irrational Fears (That Stop You from Succeeding)
• What Your Fear of Being Alone Is Really About and How to Get over It
• How to Conquer Your Fear of Change and Transform Your Life

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How to deal with disappointment and rejection

Disappointment is a complex emotion which can be hard to process. It usually contains a wide range of unpleasant feelings – loss, grief, shame, embarrassment, anger, frustration, fear – all at once.

You might be experiencing some disappointment and rejection just after graduation. Disappointment in your university experience, your degree classification, your degree itself. Having your heart set on a certain job or graduate scheme and failing to secure it. Not getting an interview for a job you apply for is disappointing. Not getting selected for a job you interview for, even more so.

You may have your ideal job and then find it’s not what you thought it would be. This is disappointing. And so on. Potentially, a time full of disappointment and rejection.

One of the things about disappointment is that it is often very personal. It can feel like a big deal to you but other people may not understand why it matters so much. This will make it even harder to process.

So how can we deal with disappointment?

1. Manage the emotions

Try to stay with the emotions and work out what exactly you are feeling. Sit with the feelings, no matter how unpleasant. Try to tolerate and process them. This can help start to calm them down. Talk to someone about your feelings or write them down. Go for a walk or listen to some music - whatever works for you. Practice self-compassion or mindfulness. Resist making important decisions or acting on these feelings until you are in a more settled frame of mind. Be patient. This can take time, depending on the nature of the disappointment or rejection.

2. Don’t take it personally

All too often we take disappointment personally. If the disappointment contains an element of rejection or failure, you might see it as a rejection or failure of you as a complete person. You might blame yourself thinking that if you had been better in some way the outcome might have been different.

Disappointment can crush your self-esteem and confidence. It can trigger shame and embarrassment. Try and see the disappointment as just one tiny part of your life. It should not define who you are. It may feel overwhelming at the moment but that will pass. Not taking things personally can eventually help you gain a broader understanding of yourself, others and how life works.

3. Think about your expectations

Are your expectations realistic? Setting expectations too high, or too low, can contribute to the nature of your disappointment. Working through disappointment can help you understand and modify your expectations – of yourself, others and life in general.

• Do you set your expectations too high? You might have set unrealistically high expectations for yourself or life in general. If you have perfectionistic traits, you may need to move away from these and start accepting ‘good enough’.
• Do you set your expectations too low? Do you hold onto beliefs like ‘what’s the point? Things never work out for me?’ Does disappointment seem inevitable? This expectation is not helpful either. You cannot avoid disappointment in life. Trying to avoid it, or approaching situations expecting it, is not helpful in the long run.
• Are your expectations driven by trying to please other people? You might feel bad because you are disappointing or letting someone else down. This might then lead to a fear that they might then reject you. The best thing is to talk to them about it. If this is not possible, talk it through with someone else.

4. Look at the bigger picture

Try and get the disappointment into context. It may feel devastating now. It may feel as if it's going to affect your whole life. But there is a lot more to life than this one disappointment.

You may ask yourself, will this still be a problem in six months' or a year’s time? You may think about previous disappointments and rejections. How did they pan out? Often with the perspective of time you can see that it actually all worked out for the best.

Look at all the other people who have also experienced disappointment and rejection. They have survived. Don’t forget that for every job you apply for there will be many more disappointed applicants than the one who is successful.

5. Next time…

Don’t be disheartened. Take time to think about what you really want. Review your expectations. Try a different approach. Take disappointment in your stride. Learning how to manage it well will give you greater insight into yourself and others. It will help you become more resilient. These are great skills to take with you in life.

If you find it hard to move on, talk to someone to help re-evaluate and see beyond the current situation. This is especially important if you are experiencing mental health difficulties and the disappointment is especially hard to cope with.

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Failure or Disappointment in Life, Essay Example

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Most of us probably wish they never have to see any failure or disappointment in life but success without struggles is rarely satisfying. Our true strength is not reflected in our social backgrounds, wealth, or formal positions within the organizational hierarchy but instead in our ability to rise again after failures and come out of adverse conditions even stronger. I still remember my first job which was a year-long assignment in Munich. I had never lived without a family before that time and I had almost no idea of the harsh realities of the real world.

I went through a four-month intensive management training program which introduced me to the company’s culture, management theories, and leadership philosophies. Upon completing the training, I was put in charge of a 60-people sale group. I tried to put the lessons from the training program into use but it became clear that the world is a little more complex than what could be learnt in a formal education environment. Soft skills are as important as technical skills and knowledge to lead people and inspire them to be their best. I still vividly remember the fear I would go through at the prospect of facing my manager on the 1 st and 15 th of every month when he would spare no effort to embarrass me before my subordinates. But it was not without reason since I had been part of the least productive of the company’s twelve branch offices and my goal was to turn around the situation.

I have always been inquisitive by nature and am constantly striving to improve myself. I am not afraid to ask questions and I am not afraid to discover the answers no matter how difficult or long the process maybe. As I analyzed all the relevant facts, I discovered that I was working hard but not working smart. I had taken leadership as a formal role which comes with authoritarian powers but leadership is more a process of inspiring people to work towards common objectives and motivating them to become the best they are capable of. It took three months to discover the answers and another three months to turn the branch into the second most productive unit among twelve branches. During this time, my leadership philosophy had changed from ‘I’ and ‘Me’ to ‘We’ and ‘Us’.

The experience inspired me to seek self-improvement with even greater passion. Over the last three years, I have realized that global competitive landscape has significantly changed since the internet bubble bust due to both internet technologies and globalization. This has inspired me to pursue MBA in order to learn about the latest academic research as well as interact with smart individuals from diverse ethnic, cultural, and professional backgrounds. MBA will not only help me advance my academic credentials and enhance professional competitiveness but will also enable me to further develop leadership, communication, and teamwork skills.

I will be a valuable contribution to the program due to diverse cultural experiences in my native country Canada and several European countries. In addition, I also have had exposure to business practices in different countries which will enable me to provide unique global perspectives during classroom discussions. I have no doubt I will be an exemplary Ambassador of the university in the real world and help bridge the gap between academia and Corporate America.

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How to Overcome Fear of Disappointing Others (According to Experts)

Are you someone who worries about what other people think of you? Do you often find yourself sacrificing your needs and wants to make others happy? If so, you’re not alone—many people struggle with the fear of disappointing others.

It’s natural to care about what others think of us, but sometimes this fear can hold you back from living life to the fullest. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way.

According to experts, here are ways to overcome the fear of disappointing others and start living your life on your own terms:

Miriam Geiger, LMFT, LPCC

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

We all fear disappointing others, but there may be times when it goes so far that the thought of letting down someone we care about fills us with dread. It can be so paralyzing that we’d rather not try at all than risk falling short. 

But the truth is, disappointment is a natural part of life. Everyone experiences it, whether they’re the ones being let down or doing the disappointing. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay—it’s essential for growth.

If you’re someone who often finds yourself avoiding opportunities because you’re afraid of disappointing others, know that you’re not alone. But also know that there is a way to overcome this fear. 

The key is to understand that disappointment is a natural part of life—it’s something we all experience from time to time. And while it’s not always pleasant, it’s  not  the end of the world either. 

By learning to accept disappointment as a part of life, you can start to let go of your fear and move forward with confidence. Here’s how: 

Acknowledge your fears

The first step to overcoming any fear is acknowledging that it exists. Once you name your fear, it will lose some of its power over you. 

So ask yourself, what are you afraid of?

• Are you afraid of failing? 
• Of not being good enough? 
• Of being rejected? 

Once you identify your specific fears, you can start to work on addressing them. 

For example, if you’re afraid of failing, list all the times you’ve failed in the past and what the result was. Chances are, you survived and even learned from your mistakes. 

Related: Overcoming Fear of Failure

If you’re afraid of not being good enough, remind yourself that everyone has strengths and weaknesses and that you are just as  worthy  as anyone else. 

Related: How to Feel Good Enough

If you’re afraid of rejection, remind yourself that not everyone will like or accept you, but that’s okay. You  don’t  need everyone’s approval to be happy and successful. 

Remember that the other people in your life can survive being disappointed by you. If they can’t, that is not a reflection of your value but more about their own issues.

Understand where your fears are coming from 

After identifying your fears, take some time to  reflect  on where they might be coming from. Often, our fears are  rooted  in past experiences or traumas that we haven’t fully addressed. 

For example, if you’re afraid of being rejected, it might be because you were rejected in the past and haven’t fully processed those feelings yet.

Processing past experiences and traumas are important in overcoming fears of disappointing others.  In order to move on, you need to understand what happened and why it was difficult for you.  

This can be done through therapy, talking to friends, or writing in a journal. Once you’ve processed the experience, you’ll be in a  better  place to deal with any associated fears. 

Instead of just believing the fear, you’ll be able to see it from a  more objective point of view.

Challenge your beliefs about disappointment  

One of the main reasons we are afraid to disappoint people is because we believe that disappointment is bad—that it’s something to be avoided at all costs.

But what if we  reframe  our thinking around disappointment? What if, instead of seeing it as bad, we saw it as an  opportunity  to learn and grow? By changing our beliefs about disappointment, we can  reduce  our fear of it and open ourselves up to new possibilities. 

Disappointment can be an opportunity to know something isn’t working or maybe we need more support. It can also be an opportunity for forgiveness and even a chance to have a  good-natured  laugh at ourselves for being imperfect humans.

Related: What Is Forgiveness and Why Is It Important?

It’s important to remember that disappointing others is not the same as being a disappointment.  

Successful people often have taken risks and made choices that others don’t agree with. And while they may have faced some setbacks along the way, they eventually achieved their goals. 

Give yourself permission to disappoint others 

Once you’ve challenged your beliefs about disappointment, it’s time to permit yourself to fail. This means accepting that disappointment is a natural part of life and that it’s okay if things don’t always go as planned. 

Fear can be a helpful emotion. However, fear of disappointing others can also be debilitating, leading us to miss out on opportunities or make poor decisions. When we allow fear to control us, we usually do worse, not better. 

This is because worrying causes us to focus on negative possibilities rather than positive ones. As a result, we are more likely to make mistakes or overlook important details. 

When you give yourself permission to fail and possibly disappoint someone, you take away the power that your fear has over you and open yourself up to new opportunities for growth.

Remember to extend some compassion towards yourself

One of the best ways to overcome any fear is to practice self-compassion. This means being  kind  and  understanding  towards yourself—even when things don’t go as planned. 

When we’re compassionate towards ourselves, we’re more likely to assume that others will do the same. So next time you feel afraid of disappointing others, remember to extend some compassion towards yourself. 

Don’t beat yourself up , and don’t focus on all of your shortcomings. This kind of negative self-talk only makes things worse. 

Instead of criticizing yourself, try to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would show to a friend. By being more compassionate towards yourself, you’ll find it easier to let go of your fears and move on.

Becca Smith, LPC

Chief Clinical Officer,  Basepoint Academy

The truth is that disappointments stem from people’s expectations and perceptions. So, when it comes to the fear of disappointing others, remember that you  cannot  control their expectations or reactions. 

Instead,  focus on setting personal boundaries and making decisions that align with your values and beliefs.  Below, I’ve detailed some tips for overcoming this fear:

Begin by identifying the root of your fear

Is it due to past experiences or a feeling of not being good enough? Are you constantly seeking validation from others? 

Once you have identified the root,  challenge  your negative thoughts and  reframe them into more positive and empowering ones. Remind yourself that you are worthy  and  capable  of making mistakes and learning from them.

Practice assertiveness and set boundaries

This may involve saying no to others or standing up for yourself in difficult situations. It is  not  your responsibility to meet everyone’s expectations, so prioritize your needs and what is best for you. 

Peacefully communicate your boundaries and stick to them, even if it means disappointing others.  For example, if a family member consistently expects you to attend every event, explain that taking care of your mental health is essential and you need to take breaks from socializing.

Focus on your growth and progress, not others’ perceptions or opinions of you

Instead of trying to meet the expectations of others, focus on improving yourself and becoming the best version of yourself. 

Set personal goals and take steps towards achieving them, regardless of what others think or say. This may involve setting personal goals, learning new skills, and embracing mistakes as opportunities for growth. 

Remember that you are in control of your own actions and decisions and ultimately responsible for your happiness and well-being. Do not let the fear of disappointing others hold you back from living your best life.

Related: 40+ Top Fears That Hold People Back in Life

Focus on self-acceptance and self-compassion

Instead of constantly seeking external validation, practice loving and accepting yourself for who you are . Remember that mistakes and failures are a natural part of life, and it is okay not to be perfect all the time. 

As you overcome the fear of disappointing others, be gentle and  forgiving with yourself . Surround yourself with supportive and understanding individuals who will encourage and uplift you on your journey. 

Seek out those who accept and love you for your authentic self  without  any expectations or conditions.

Seek professional help if necessary

Suppose the fear of disappointing others significantly impacts your daily life and mental well-being, for example, causing  severe  anxiety or depression. In that case, it may be helpful to seek professional support. 

A therapist or counselor can provide personalized guidance and resources to help you work through and overcome this fear. Therapy can also be a  safe space to process and work through any underlying issues or concerns related to this fear. 

I’ve worked with teens who struggle to meet their parent’s expectations, and I’ve seen immense growth and progress when they begin setting boundaries and prioritizing their own needs and well-being. 

Naturally, this process entails some disappointment from others. But once we’re firmly  rooted in self-love and acceptance, we can confidently handle any disappointment that may arise. 

Remember, it is your life to live,  and you deserve to prioritize your mental health and happiness above others’ expectations.

Ellie Borden, BA, RP, CPP

Registered Psychotherapist | Certified Life Coach | Clinical Director,  Mind By Design®

The fear of disappointing others is something that many of us feel from time to time. While this can be a normal experience, it becomes a problem when it paralyzes us into inaction. 

Sometimes, fear can be a powerful motivator to accomplish certain necessary feats, such as a rush of adrenaline in a threatening situation activating our fight-or-flight response. 

Overcoming your fears and using that as a means to fuel yourself in achieving your goals is far more optimal. 

If you find yourself gripped by the fear of disappointing others, here are some strategies you may wish to try.

Remember that disappointing others is difficult to avoid

An important fact to remember is that disappointing others is difficult to avoid. At some point in our lives, we will disappoint someone and be disappointed in others. 

It is  impossible  to please all people all the time. Accepting the fact that you are only human and that you will occasionally make mistakes is nothing to be ashamed of.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help

Furthermore, there is also nothing wrong with asking for help. Perfectionists are often loathed to ask for help, but this is a  poor  strategy for not trying to disappoint others. 

Reach out to others when you need a hand, and don’t always feel like you have to go it alone —even having someone to talk to about your problems can significantly benefit you. 

If you are uncomfortable asking for assistance with what you must do, at least you can speak to someone about your fears or sense of being overburdened. 

A therapist or life coach can lend a compassionate ear to allow you to get some things off your chest, and they can also help you strategize to maximize your efficiency.

Speak to the actual person you are so fearful of disappointing

Finally, don’t be afraid to speak to the actual person you are so fearful of disappointing. 

Many times, we project  unreasonable  expectations of ourselves onto others. The person you fear disappointing may want the best for you, and their care for you makes it difficult to truly disappoint them. 

Other times, people genuinely place unrealistic demands on us. In this case, it can help to have a  frank  discussion with them. Asserting yourself is far preferable to living in fear, and a mental health professional can teach you these skills, a practice known as assertiveness training . 

This can sometimes mean finding other options, such as getting a new job or reassessing your relationships.

Remember to have faith in yourself

There is more to you than you may know, and while the problems that beset you may often appear insurmountable, you can rise to the occasion. Accept your strengths and limitations, reach out to others when needed, and never fear standing up for yourself or speaking your mind.

Leslyn Kantner, LPC, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Investigate the “why” in your behaviors

As a young girl, I recall feeling more concerned about disappointing my father than igniting his anger. Disappointment seemed like a much larger burden to overcome. 

What is disappointment? Of course, we all know that disappointment is the emotional result of letting someone down or failing to meet their expectations.

What’s interesting about this is that, in so many cases, we are  unaware  of the expectations someone may have of us. Many of our expectations lie just below the surface of our awareness. 

For example, we may experience disappointment that my partner didn’t put their dirty cup in the dishwasher; after all, doesn’t everyone know to do that? Other times, someone else’s expectations may exceed our personal capacity to fulfill them.

We develop a fear of disappointing someone when meeting a person’s expectations is  tethered  to feeling loved or wanted by them. As a child, this happens when we  fail  to meet our parents’ expectations and get punished. 

The more severe the punishment, the more afraid we may be to make mistakes. If we don’t do the homework on a group project and everyone receives a bad grade on the assignment because of our failing, we’re likely to feel ashamed or be shamed for not meeting those expectations. 

A person’s reaction to even small disappointments say, we forget to take out the trash, can  reinforce  the positive or negative message we internally create about what it means to disappoint someone.

The reality of disappointment

I don’t believe there’s a living soul that can prevent disappointment. One may even go so far as to say that it is simply a natural part of life because we can’t possibly fulfill the vision everyone crosses our path may have for us.

In her book “ Untamed ,” author Glennon Doyle insists,  “ Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself. “

When we are working on becoming our most authentic selves, it’s likely to look different than the vision someone else may have of us, and that’s OK. 

Here are three things to keep in mind:

• Know yourself.  Seek to differentiate your ‘shoulds’ (which are expectations) from external influence versus the ones that coincide with your own core values.
• Notice your intentions.  Investigate the ‘why’ in your behaviors. Validate yourself and the reason you’ve made the decision(s) you’ve made or that you’re making. Be sure that your intention  matches  your core values.
• Focus on authenticity.  The point of our existence is to engage with and honor our  truest  selves. 

Learning to lean into the discomfort of disappointment can be difficult, especially if we’ve developed people-pleasing behavior patterns. 

Remind yourself of the inevitability of disappointment and move through the tips outlined to prioritize the actions you’re inclined toward. Remember to choose the ones that  align  with your most authentic self.

Jared Heathman, MD

Psychiatrist,  Active Ketamine

Evaluate your boundaries and ask yourself how you can realistically strengthen them

What is the underlying need?  Fear of disappointing others can lead to people-pleasing behaviors. It feels impossible to say no, even when you know it would be better for you to do so. 

When someone is upset, dismissive, or irritable, you tend to believe it’s because of something you did or failed to do. You may feel deeply uncomfortable with anyone else’s discomfort. 

In fact, you will do anything that you can to alleviate other people’s discomfort, even to your own detriment. This could mean accepting disrespectful behaviors, overextending yourself, and other harmful behaviors. 

These behaviors could stem from a  deep  need for connection or acceptance. You may believe that if you do everything for others, you will be “good enough” to be loved and accepted. In this line of thinking, rejection is to be avoided at all costs. 

Further education: It may be valuable to learn about Dr. Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle. Karpman proposes a model of unhealthy social interaction that includes the roles of the Rescuer, the Persecutor, and the Victim. 

A rescuer , for example, takes power by taking on responsibilities for the victim . A breakdown of each of the roles and how they interact with each other can be found in Lynne Forrest’s videos .

How can I help myself create change?   Creating boundaries for yourself is another crucial step to overcoming the fear of disappointing others. 

Boundaries are ways that we communicate our needs to others, and according to Nedra Glover Tawwab, we do this through behaviors as well as  verbally and nonverbally . 

Boundaries can be rigid, like a huge brick wall, porous, like a line in the sand, or healthy (something in the middle). Those with people-pleasing tendencies may find themselves with porous boundaries or boundaries that others are allowed to cross often and easily. 

Familiarize yourself with the types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and time boundaries. Evaluate your boundaries and ask yourself how you can realistically strengthen them to create meaningful change. 

Elizabeth Chiang, M.D. Ph.D.

Physician and Life Coach,  Grow Your Wealthy Mindset

Remind yourself of your values and take action based on your values, not the values of others

When you are thinking about disappointing others, first look at yourself. Are you disappointing yourself? Because that is the  real  opinion that matters. 

What are your values? They may not be the same values as the others you try not to disappoint. Remind yourself of your values and take action based on your values, not the values of others.  

Ask yourself, why do you fear disappointing this person? 

• Is the person your boss, and you are worried about getting fired? 
• Is this person your parent, and you are concerned about feeling shame? 
• Is this person a friend, and you’re worried about losing their friendship? 

Then  switch  places with this person. If you were in their position, how would you feel? How would you react? Often we are harder on ourselves than we would ever treat other people. 

Some people say FEAR is “ False Evidence Appearing Real .” 

Take stock of the situation. Could that be true in this case? If we disappoint our boss, would we actually get fired? It probably depends on how we disappointed the boss. 

If it’s not something in our job description , then it shouldn’t affect our employment. After all, if your boss made an inappropriate request, not complying may disappoint, but depending on the situation, another feeling other than fear may come up. It could be anger or resentment. 

Your fear comes from some thought you are having.  Find that thought and examine it. Be curious about it. Look at it from different angles.  

Heather Wilson, LCSW, LCADC, CCTP

Executive Director,  Epiphany Wellness

Write down your thoughts and feelings about disappointing others

Letting other people down is often scarier than being disappointed by other people. The feeling of disappointing someone, especially someone we love or admire, can be devastating. 

We might feel that these people think less of us and don’t trust us anymore. As a result, our  self-esteem  and self-worth are affected. 

How do we not let the fear of disappointing others keep us from living our lives? While the fear might never be completely eliminated from our psyche, it is possible  to overcome the fear of disappointing others enough that it’s no longer debilitating.

Acknowledge the fear. Writing down your thoughts and feelings about disappointing others might be  helpful . Journaling can be a valuable tool for understanding and exploring your emotions.

Examine your expectations

• Why are you afraid of disappointing others? 
• What do you think will happen if you do disappoint them? 
• Are your expectations realistic? 

Often, we are the ones who put the most amount of pressure on ourselves to be  perfect . 

But consider this:  do you expect perfection from others the way you expect it from yourself? The answer is likely no because we know that people make mistakes.  Give yourself the same amount of compassion and understanding because you are only human.

Communicate with others

If you’re worried about letting someone down, tell the person what your concerns are. This way, they can understand where you’re coming from and might be more forgiving if you make a mistake. Further, they can provide the tools and guidance you need to succeed in your task.

Set realistic goals

When we set our sights too high, we’re more likely to be disappointed in ourselves when we don’t reach them. So instead, start small and gradually increase  the difficulty of your goals as you become more confident in your abilities.

Related: 22 Reasons Why Goal Setting Is Important for Success

Dr. Bryan Bruno

Founder and Medical Director,  Mid City TMS

Fear of disappointing others is very real. When you want to be a success or make others proud of you, you’ll likely put in a lot of effort to make them happy. 

Low self-esteem and insecurity are big factors in why someone may feel the fear of disappointing others. Here are some things that may help you overcome the fear of disappointing others. 

Extend compassion to yourself

If a coworker declined to help you because they were too busy, you likely wouldn’t think anything of it, and you’d move on. Extend that same courtesy to yourself. If you’re too busy to help others, understand that people will likely  not take it personally. 

Remember that you are not responsible for others’ emotions

Above all else, you cannot control how other people feel. You can control your behavior, but how other people feel and interpret that behavior is  not  up to you. Therefore, you should  release  yourself from all responsibility for their emotions. 

Related: How to Not Care What People Think

Consider therapy and find out what your options are

Your desire to please others may be from something in your past that you  aren’t aware of. Therapy can uncover these situations and help you move past them.

Anxiety can play a large role in your fear of disappointing others. If you find this fear interrupts your daily life, talk to a doctor and find out what your options are. 

Simone Koger

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate | Grief Counselor | Owner,  Koger Counseling PLLC

Check-in with yourself; how is your self-love? 

Worries of disappointment can be related to your narratives around self-worth. If your self-worth and self-love are low, it can lead to you seeking validation from others. When self-worth and self-love are in a  healthier  balance, that leads to feeling more secure. 

Sometimes when a person tends to be a people pleaser (putting others constantly before themselves), this starts to create a narrative of fearfulness that everyone in your life will abandon you. So the stakes are much higher regarding disappointing someone if your self-love and self-worth are low. 

If this is the case, check in with yourself . See on this scale from zero to 10 (Beyoncé level) where you currently are and where you hope to be. Start implementing small skills to build your self to self relationship. 

What is actually in your control? 

Sometimes when there is a fear of disappointment, if you reflect on what is  within your power and what is not, you find if your worry is “valid.” 

What I mean by valid is that not all worries are true. Many come from the creative energy of our minds, trying to control the uncontrollable. 

For example, if you try your best on a project and have a fear of disappointing your boss, you can’t actually control their emotion or response to your work. You can only control how you hope to present yourself, how you prepare, and what you bring to the table. 

Laurence J. Stybel, Ed.D.

Licensed Cognitive Behavior Psychologist | Co-Founder and President,  Stybel Peabody Associates, Inc.

Change how you talk to yourself

Highly conscientious people under stress tend to ruminate. Rumination is self-talk featuring the word “ You. ” 

For example, “ You made stupid errors in this report. Your boss will never trust you again ,” or “ I disappointed my friend. She will never invite me for golf outings again. “

When you constantly refer to yourself, you are stimulating a part of your brain associated with depression. 

The result is a  negative cycle . The more you ruminate using self-reference, the more depressed you get. The more depressed you get, the more you ruminate.

Self-distancing is a  well-researched  technique to teach yourself to speak to yourself as though a third party is sitting in your mind. This third party should be  calm  and  supportive . The focus should not be on the “now” pain but on the future. 

For example: 

“Mary, you did make mistakes in that report you turned in. And you have resubmitted a corrected version. Mary, two years from today, your boss may or may not remember the event at all. There is even a likelihood that your boss will appreciate that you had the courage to admit you were wrong two years ago.”

Martha Teater, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Mental Health Trainer,  Choosing Therapy

Think about what might be behind the fear of disappointing others.

• What thoughts come up for you?
• Are you afraid the person will be angry with you?
• Is there fear of the person pulling away or abandoning you?

Consider your communication patterns

You could work on being  clearer  and  more direct  in how you communicate with others. Your fear of people’s responses may keep you tentative about what you say, and you may find yourself tiptoeing around people.

Try to sort through your personal history of being rejected or causing disappointment

What were your experiences in your family growing up? How did your parents or caregivers respond to you when they were disappointed with you?

Review your level of self-confidence and self-esteem

Do you feel strong and capable? If not, how do you usually see yourself? Do you feel like you mess up a lot? You may believe you aren’t as good as others, which makes it harder to feel self-assured and worthy.

It’s possible that you may have some catastrophic thinking

This is when you assume that the worst possible thing that could happen will happen and that you won’t be able to handle it. When you develop that kind of thinking, you can end up feeling inadequate and helpless, which does nothing to improve your confidence.

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Related: The 32 Best Books on Confidence and Self-Esteem to Read in 2022

Naama Zusman

Life and Career Coach

Face up to what is actually going on

The costs of people pleasing: In my time as a coach, I’ve seen so many clients not acting on their desires and great ideas for fear of what others would think of them. 

• They stay in a relationship they are no longer happy in because their parents think, “ he’s such a great guy. ” 
• They stay in a job that is no longer satisfying because “ you’re crazy to leave such a good job. ” 
• They won’t advance in their careers because they are afraid to speak their truth and hide their brilliance, too. 
• They don’t start that passion project because they are afraid of being laughed at. 
• They don’t launch their business because they are afraid of people judging them because “ who do you think you are? ” 

When how we see ourselves is  greatly  dependent on how other people see us, we tend to edit ourselves, lessen parts of who we are, and hold back on opportunities. We  limit  our capacity to grow, evolve, and experience our life to the fullest.

Many of my clients confide that they worry about what others will think of the choices they wish to make. 

The truth is, when it comes to judgment, we are typically our toughest critics. We fool ourselves into worrying because if we worry long enough, we will have an answer that will satisfy everyone. But worry  rarely  improves the outcome because we haven’t stopped judging ourselves. 

By avoiding making the choice that will please us, we also  miss  the opportunity to develop the strength, trust, and resilience we need to stand in our own truth.

We tell ourselves that we’re scared of what other people would think of us (which feels so real!), but what it really boils down to is being scared of ourselves, of our own inner critic and self-judgment. The reality is that we’re  unlikely  to be judged for our life choices or how we express ourselves. 

If anything, “our people” will actually find our truth inspiring. When we do something scary such as following our heart (whether it’s leaving a good job, ending a relationship with a great partner, or expressing ourselves fully in our life), we inevitably experience fear and doubt for the exact reason we’re doing something different. 

What often scares us is not the worries, questions, and judgments of others; what scares us is that they’ll confirm the fear we hold within. 

Others’ fears and judgments often  mirror  our own fears and judgments about ourselves. In his book, “ The Four Agreements ,” Don Miguel Ruiz writes,  “ Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. ” 

The truth is people live in their own minds; they are focused on their own challenges and issues. If someone has the time or energy to think negatively about us, it’s only because our spoken truth triggers their own unspoken truth.

Many of us, subconsciously (it’s an instinctual protective mechanism), use the fear of others’ opinions as a reason not to do what we want to do in the world. What we really need to do is  face up  to what is actually going on. 

How to work through the fear of what other people think?

Write out your aspirations, longings, dreams, desires, and choices you wish to make

Write out your aspirations, longings, dreams and desires, choices you wish to make, or things you wish to express that you worry about letting people down. 

Look at each of them and ask yourself, “ Where am I judging this as being wrong? ” or “ where am I not yet embracing this part of myself? ” 

Next, ask yourself: 

• “What would it look like if I validated myself first?” 
• “What would I do differently if I didn’t need other people’s approval?” 

There’s great liberation in developing  immunity  to other people’s judgments and opinions and, even more so, in letting go of your own self-judgment.  So long as you’re judging yourself, you’ll always fear being judged by others.

Know the costs of people-pleasing

As human beings, we learn, grow, and work as part of society. We learn how to behave in this world alongside societal norms and expectations, society’s beliefs, and societal values. 

In this process, we learn how to please others to fit in and belong. The question is: At what cost? Knowing the costs of people-pleasing, particularly the cost to our own energy and fulfillment, is key. And no matter what we decide to do, we can always begin by being  honest  with ourselves. 

When you notice yourself being stuck, paralyzed by other people’s expectations, take a deep breath and ask yourself:  “ Who am I trying to please? And at what cost?”

Pleasing others means we meet external expectations and don’t let other people down. But someone has to pay the price. And that someone is often you. 

May you always be more loyal to your dreams than your fears of letting others down.

Christy Piper

Coach and Speaker | Author, “ Girl, You Deserve More “

Focus on winning

The fear of disappointing others is a  real  fear. We are social, and since the beginning of time, our very survival depended on being productive members of our tribes. People who excelled were well-liked and got favor from others. So it’s natural to want to do well.

Instead of focusing on your fear of not disappointing others, how about focusing on winning? We usually get more of what we focus on. So if we focus on the negative side, that’s more likely to happen.

It helps to give yourself a pep talk.  Tell yourself nice things about yourself that are true.  Taking concrete steps to prepare also makes a huge difference.

Here are some key strategies:

Look at past wins

Take an inventory of the past times you’ve succeeded. If you have been a winner before, you can do it again. You can write these down or speak them aloud to yourself or another person.

Prepare for it

Think about what would help you pass the test, win, or whatever it is you must do. 

• If you can study to learn more ahead of time, do that. 
• In the case of a physical fitness test, work out more now. 
• If you must present something to others, recite it ahead of time. Make cue cards or a speech outline.

Smile 

This is a small action you can do throughout your day. But it can make a huge difference. The act of smiling increases feelings of positivity. This has been proven by science. Getting smiles back from others also primes you for success. It feels like others approve of you and is encouraging you.

Visualize yourself winning

Picturing what it looks like to win can make a huge difference. Many professional athlete champions speak about how they visualize winning first. Imagine what it looks and feels like to win in your mind and body as if it’s already happened.

Believe you can succeed

You must believe you can succeed. No one else can do this part for you. If you believe with  confidence  that something will happen, you open the door for it to happen.

Realize if you fail, you can try again

You should put your  best  effort forward on the first try. But do realize there are other options. In almost every case, you can try again and win. Many successful people talk about their trail of past mistakes they made before succeeding. 

Often,  persistence is a huge part of achieving your goal.  You may have to wait a little longer, request a rematch, or get creative to find another path. But realizing this may take away some of the anxiety.

Be the one who must live with your choices

You should want to succeed for yourself more than anyone else. It feels good to get compliments and for others to recognize your success. But at the end of the day, you are the one who must live with your choices, consequences, and results. No one else will.

Spend time around people who are positive and want to see you succeed

It’s essential to spend time around people who are positive and want to see you succeed. Those who are jealous, negative, and overly critical can hinder you. 

The company you keep affects your mindset a lot. If you’re surrounded by very negative people , it can make you fail when you should’ve succeeded. 

Being around toxic people can infect you. They likely don’t have your best interests at heart, regardless of what they say. They are unhappy and likely to take their anger out on you about anything. 

Even if they can’t criticize you this time, they will find something else to make you feel bad about. Their praise or criticism is  not  dependent on this event—even if you feel like it is.

Who are you disappointing?  They aren’t thinking about you as much as you think.  Most people are so busy thinking about their own lives, mistakes, and failures. 

No matter how much you think others are thinking about you, they are probably not . So rest assured, whether you succeed or mess up, people will only spend a short time thinking about it.

Toxic people may bring up your failures whenever they can. But again, even if you win at this event, they will find something else to criticize you about.

Are you more afraid of disappointing yourself or others?

It’s important to surround yourself with people who appreciate you for you. Including those who  honor  your choices. If you are afraid of disappointing others but not yourself, this could signify that you were pushed into something you usually wouldn’t choose to do.

If this is true, do you actually want to do it? Or would you rather do something else? This isn’t an excuse to wimp out now. But if this choice is committing you to a long contract, it is a good reason to  rethink  whether  you  actually  want  to do it.

However, if this is a small event you must do, or that doesn’t take you down the wrong path long term, just do it. Get it over with as soon as possible. Once you do, a weight will be lifted from your shoulders. You will feel relieved not to have to worry about it anymore.

Chelsea Austin

Writer | Speaker | Certified Life Coach

Meet yourself where your feelings are

The first thing to do when any kind of feelings come up around disappointment is to  acknowledge  them and try  not  to beat yourself up for having them. 

Of course, you want to make your family, friends, boss, teachers, or co-workers proud. That makes absolute sense, and it’s okay that those feelings are coming up for you!

However, being afraid of disappointing someone else is not only loaded with fear and anxiety; it can often come with secondary emotions like being frustrated that you’re feeling fear or anxiety. That just adds more to your plate. 

If you can look at what you’re feeling, recognize that it’s allowed, and give yourself the space to move through it—you’re on your way to feeling a lot better and less concerned about disappointing someone else. Or, at a minimum, you will get to a place where you can accept that you might disappoint someone, and that’s  okay . 

Remember that you have no control over how anyone else feels

Take it from a person who loves control; it’s hard to accept the idea that we cannot control anyone else, especially when it comes to their feelings. 

When we begin to recognize that we are only responsible for our feelings, it can start to ease the fear around other individuals’ reactions to our actions. 

If someone is disappointed, it has much  less  to do with you and more to do with them and how they see the world. It’s  not  our job to be dancing monkeys constantly trying to make everyone else happy. That balancing act is exhausting. 

Take some deep breaths and remember other people’s feelings are theirs to manage, as yours is yours to manage. 

Ask yourself how you feel about the action you’ve taken or are considering taking

Are you proud of what you’re about to do?  Your approval is the only approval you need to move forward.  That matters most. It may not always feel as good to move forward without validation and approval from the outside world. 

But if your fear of disappointing someone else is feeling bigger than the action you want to take, ask yourself how badly you want to do the thing and how moving forward makes you feel. 

Ask yourself what you would do if the person you’re afraid of disappointing weren’t in the picture. Or what if they actually weren’t disappointed but super proud? 

Figure out how you feel about the action first; if it’s something you want and you’re proud to move forward, then go for it.  The rest of the world’s opinions are not as important as your own about what you’re doing. 

People will always have an opinion about who you are, what you do, and how you go about life. But there’s  no  one way to do it. The sooner we can let go of the fear and anxiety about what everyone else will think and who we might disappoint and start living what, in our hearts, feels the most right, we become free . 

It may not be easy, it rarely is, but the more you can stand in your truth and what you believe in, the sooner the fear of disappointing others will melt away. 

Or, at a minimum, you’ll be able to move through it because your  excitement  and passion  regarding moving forward will eclipse your fear of disappointing someone else. 

Related: Why Is Passion Important for Success in Life?

Tiffany Zehara

Growth and Revenue Liaison | Problematic Rehabilitation and Conflict Resolution Specialist | Podcast Host, Humanitarian Entrepreneur

Know your value, and the rest will fall into place

Demands are being placed on us all day, each day. If we allow it, the expectations of others can become crippling. We can become addicted to measuring our value and worthiness based on the opinions of others. 

Often, we are not taught how to build our own sense of self and stand firm in who and what we want. 

How do we know ourselves? 

Russian actor and director, Konstantin Stanislavsky, had a method when he was working with actors to help immerse themselves in their character. While great in acting, these questions are easily transferable to fully discovering who each of us is as a unique, important character in our life. 

Ask yourself: 

• “Who am I?”   This is a great way to create your own labels for how you want to define yourself, not letting others define you. You are the creator of your life.
• “Why am I here?”
• “What lights you up? How do you envision making the world a better place?”
• “What do I want?”
• “What are the dreams you have in your heart? What do you want to achieve?”
• “Why do I want it?”  Success, security, wealth, and abundance mean different things to different people. How do you define th ese terms?
• “How will I get what I want?”
• “What are the actionable steps you need to take to realize your dreams?”
• “What must I overcome to get what I want?”
• “Are there financial barriers?”
• “How can you be resourceful to achieve what you want?”
• “Are you unsure of what steps to actually take?”
• “Who can you turn to that could positively support you?”
• “Even if they are not in your current sphere, who do you see out in the world that has accomplished what you have and what lessons can you learn from them?”

We are in a constant society of go, go, go, where doing more equals being “better,” with productivity and accomplishments carrying more weight in society. There is not enough silence in our current lives. People are so busy that they become strangers, not only to one another but to themselves.

Get quiet. Be still. Listen.  Even if just for a few minutes each day. There is a small, still voice within each of us, whispering and guiding us. It tells each of us how important  and  loved  we are just by being ourselves. 

When we learn to listen and trust, when we see that our worthiness and value are  not  tied up in how much we can accomplish and who we can impress, we can  step out  of the vicious cycle of allowing others’ thoughts and opinions of us which influence how we think and feel about ourselves. 

At the end of the day, we need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with the person we are, knowing we did our best today just by being us.

Angelie Kapoor

Career and Leadership Coach | Founder, Oversight Global, LLC

Be aware of the fear and challenge your assumptions

We all have a fear of disappointing others. Whether it’s our boss, friends, or family, we don’t want to let them down. This fear can be paralyzing and can prevent us from doing what we really want to do.

The first and key step to overcoming this fear is to become aware of it. Notice when you’re feeling anxious about disappointing someone. What are you assuming will happen if you do disappoint them? Chances are, your assumptions are far worse than reality.

Once you become aware of your fear, start challenging your assumptions. Are you really going to lose your job if you make a mistake at work? Is your friend really going to stop talking to you if you cancel plans? 

When you start to question your assumptions, you’ll see that they’re  not  as black-and-white as you thought.

The next time you feel anxious about disappointing someone,  take a deep breath and remind yourself that it’s not the end of the world.  You can handle whatever comes your way.

AJ Silberman-Moffitt

Senior Editor,  Tandem

Some people exude self-confidence like it was water—a never-ending stream of belief in themselves. You look at these people, and you can’t imagine them fearing anything. After all, how could someone so confident and, well, nearly perfect, ever fear anything? They definitely don’t worry about disappointing others. 

How can you be more like them? How can you overcome a fear of disappointing others?

Get out of your head

You will probably need to get out of your own head to stop your fears from happening. Maybe you constantly are thinking about or expecting the worst to happen. 

How often has that actually been the case? Stop telling yourself something negative will happen and start thinking more about the positive.

Don’t make your response someone else’s response

Maybe you are guilty of trying to put words into someone’s mouth. You might presume how they would feel based on how you would feel if you were in that situation. 

You don’t know how other people will react—basically to anything.  Don’t  let your preconceived notions make you fear that you will ultimately disappoint them.

Know your limitations

John Lydgate said,  “You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.”  

This is a quote that I often reference because there is so much truth to it. If you remember this quote or its meaning, it will help you realize that there might be times when someone isn’t as happy as you would like them to be, and that’s okay.

Say no when appropriate

If someone is asking you to do a task that you know you won’t be able to complete on time or in the way that they are asking for it to be done,  don’t  be a “yes” person. 

Don’t agree to do this task if you know full well what the outcome will be. Explain upfront  that you won’t be able to do this task. This can ensure you don’t disappoint them by not getting the job done. Yes, even you saying no might cause some disappointment, but it’s better to be upfront from the get-go.

You have experienced disappointment in your life, but you went on. If you do happen to cause disappointment with someone else, they will be able to go on, as well. 

As good as your intentions are, you can’t save the world.  Just do what you can, accept that you might leave someone disappointed, and you will overcome your fear before you know it.

Founder , Keva Epale Studio

Direct that fear to where it was created in the first place

I was a designer for over a decade and realized this fear is instilled into the profession at early stages. No matter the fields, we all face the expectations of others until a point in our lives when this state vanishes. 

Fear or anxiety surrenders to more peace in who we are: as creative beings and entrepreneurs.

The fear of disappointing others links to a lack of experience. It may be what you are currently doing as a job, activity, relationship, or conversation. In a nutshell, fear denotes a  lack  of confidence in who we are and what we do.

Expectation is the big word in this topic. Who states, “ this is the limit, ” “ this is what I want, ” and “ how I want it to look like or to be like. “

In our personal life, the expectation is determined by accepting to subdue others’ perceptions of who we should be, how we should behave, and what we should think.

The fear of not reaching someone’s expectation highlights the main solution, overcoming any fear  outside  of us.

Why do we accept other people’s expectations of who we are or what we ought to do? Why do we commit to it to such an extent that it creates fear of not meeting those expectations?  The answer and clue to overcoming reside in taking back ownership of that fear —directing that fear to where it was created in the first place. 

That fear comes from outside and is therefore separated from who we are. That revelation gives a sense of freedom. Now we can take back  full  responsibility for accepting pressure and dominion from the outside world.

The ownership of that fear 

Is that fear yours? Then face why you are afraid of lacking towards others. Ask key questions on that lack, less, or gap, and get back control of your perception of competency.

Disappointment in entrepreneurship and business

In business, disappointing customers is part of the play because your product or service may  not  be for everyone.

If your product is related to functionality, then yes! If someone presses a button and it is expected to have a result. If it doesn’t, then yes, the customer will be disappointed. As a result, he won’t buy from you anymore.

It denotes defiance in your products, and that is in your hands. You can update and change the product or service to appeal to those who buy and need your products. You have control.

If a product or service is faulty and you are afraid of it, you will not launch. You do your due diligence to launch it as it bests. The feedback will help update and better the product’s result.

Fear cannot be the main trigger in entrepreneurship and business. You must go  beyond  and enter the market and why not craft space in the market? You have no other choice than to overcome or oversee fear. You do it even if it’s scary.

Disappointment in personal relationships and interactions

Emotions and relationships have more sensitive effects. It can waver people’s self-esteem if they are not received positively by others, especially for those who claim their sole identity to the exterior and people’s acceptance of them.

Do not be afraid of disappointing others; be their disappointment but don’t disappoint yourself

You will disappoint others; it is not a possibility—it is a fact.  There is no cure for that other than accepting it is ok to disappoint others. That is how we grow. 

We cannot live by the rules of others all our life; time and aging will push you into ownership of your life. That positioning will encourage you to step forward and lead by example, even if people don’t get you or understand you.

The fear vanishes once you have taken back ownership.  And you accepted the relieving truth: you will have to disappoint others but do  not  disappoint yourself. The real fear is disappointing yourself more by giving others what they expect but not what you need.

Choose yourself, and whatever comes, decide to be committed to not disappointing yourself

How do you do that?  To overcome means you have had victory over. The win happens when you have decided not to surrender to others’ perceptions of who you are. Therefore, discover who you are. 

If you are doing something, give it your all, your intentional 100 % into it. You are your boss, your teacher, and your student. That helps overcome the fear, for the fear dissolves for grounded confidence.

Fear of disappointing others is  not  your default state. I recommend you look into your belief systems, trauma, or confidence issues and tackle them at the core.

Emily Saunders

Chief Revenue Officer, eLuxury LLC

Don’t say “yes” to everything

Don’t spread yourself too thin. Take on what you can. If you know something will lead to consternation down the road, take steps to avoid it, even if it means disappointing someone.

Saying “ no ” to something will save you from bigger conflicts down the road.

You will get more comfortable with saying “no” the more you do it. The more you cave in to unreasonable requests, the more your frustration will build and the tougher it will be to confront your fear of disappointing those who are close to you. That can spell doom for any relationship.

I knew a couple who wanted a puppy, and the other didn’t. A breeder had a litter of puppies; the wife wanted one of the dogs, but the husband refused. It caused some tension in the relationship, and the husband nearly caved, but he held his ground.

Months later, the same breeder had a litter, and the wife ratcheted even more pressure on the husband, even recruiting family and friends to pressure him into allowing her to buy a puppy.

The puppy arrived and was a terror in the house. The husband disliked the dog and was disengaged with it. He would try to help but would get frustrated. That led to mutual resentment between the husband and wife.

The marriage disintegrated. 

Had the husband stood his ground and said emphatically, “ We are never going to get a dog. That’s final. ” There would have been a big display of disappointment from the wife at that moment, but it probably would have spared the couple further drama and might have salvaged the marriage.

It was all due to the husband wanting to avoid disappointing his wife. 

Sameera Sullivan

Relationship Expert, Sameera Sullivan Matchmakers

Permit others to feel

People are in control of their thoughts, emotions, and feelings. You have  no authority over them and cannot govern them. 

Let them experience their feelings; you have nothing to do with them. They are allowed to deal with their disappointment however they choose; it is their disappointment.

Think about the costs of your fear

Every time you make a choice, you must  weigh  your wants against the demands of the time. You might have to decline a request from a coworker if you’re already overburdened. 

However, you might make a different choice if your best buddy needs assistance moving and you have spare time. Be mindful in all that you do.

Start by practicing in lower-stake circumstances

You don’t have to conquer your fear overnight. Start by practicing in  lower-stake  circumstances before making significant decisions that will impact other people even if you wouldn’t typically; try offering a coworker some constructive criticism. You may strengthen your “anti-disappointment” muscle by doing this.

April Maccario

Founder,  AskApril

Overcoming the fear of disappointing others can sometimes be challenging. This is because aside from fear, we are also overthinking what others might react or think towards us; thus, anxiety also comes into play.

Here are some essential points to consider to help you overcome your fear of disappointing others:

Evade being heroic or messianic toward others

These complexes tend to make you feel or think that they need you for them to succeed. Achieving success is within themselves, and you can contribute only a part of it.

Feel free to make mistakes

There’s no perfect person in this world; no one doesn’t commit any mistake in their life. Consider your mistakes as something to be learned about to make you a  better  person.

Don’t put yourself under stress by trying to manage more than you can

Regarding what you can and cannot do, be honest with both yourself and others. Set some sensible limits for it.

Consider psychotherapy if the fear of disappointing others persists despite your best effort to overcome it. There’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help for your situation.

Frequently Asked Questions

What causes fear of disappointing others.

• Upbringing: A person’s upbringing can play a significant role in the development of the fear of disappointing others. Overly critical or demanding parents can create a mindset where an individual feels they must meet high expectations to be loved and accepted.

• Social conditioning: Society often reinforces the idea that one’s worth is tied to the approval and validation of others. This can lead to a fear of disappointing others as a means to maintain social standing and acceptance.

• Perfectionism: Perfectionists often hold themselves to unattainable standards and may fear disappointing others if they don’t achieve perfection. This can result in a constant cycle of stress and anxiety.

• Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may rely heavily on external validation to feel good about themselves. This dependency can create a heightened fear of disappointing others as they seek constant reassurance and approval.

• Past experiences: Previous experiences of failure, rejection, or criticism can contribute to the development of the fear of disappointing others. These experiences may have created a pattern where the individual anticipates negative consequences if they don’t meet the expectations of others.

How can I recognize when I am feeling this fear?

Recognizing the fear of disappointing others starts with self-awareness and paying attention to your thoughts and feelings. Here are some signs to look out for:

• Anxiety: You may experience anxiety or stress when faced with a task or decision that could potentially disappoint someone important to you.

• Overthinking: You might find yourself overanalyzing situations or potential outcomes, trying to predict how others will react or feel if you disappoint them.

• Seeking reassurance: You may constantly ask others for their opinions or approval to ensure you’re not letting them down.

• Procrastination: The fear of disappointing others can lead to procrastination, as you may avoid taking action to prevent potential disappointment.

• Self-criticism: If you’re constantly criticizing yourself and questioning your abilities, it’s likely that you’re worried about disappointing others.

How can I manage my thoughts and feelings when I fear disappointing others?

Managing the fear of disappointing others involves acknowledging your thoughts and feelings and taking proactive steps to address them. Here are some strategies to help you cope:

• Develop self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, as you would a friend. Remember that no one is perfect, and it’s okay to make mistakes.

• Set realistic expectations: Assess your capabilities and set achievable goals. Avoid overloading yourself with tasks that may lead to failure or disappointment.

• Communicate openly: Have honest conversations with those around you about your concerns and fears. This can help alleviate your anxiety and create a mutual understanding.

• Focus on your values: Reflect on your personal values and prioritize actions that align with them. This will help you gain a sense of control and purpose.

• Practice mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing, to help you stay present and manage your fear and anxiety.

Is it possible to completely eliminate the fear of disappointing others?

While it is challenging to eliminate the fear of disappointing others completely, you can significantly reduce it. The key is to cultivate self-awareness, self-compassion, and a strong sense of self-worth. 

Understand that it is impossible to please everyone all the time, and focus on living in alignment with your values and goals. Regularly practice self-care and engage in activities that foster personal growth. 

By prioritizing your own well-being, you’ll develop greater resilience to external expectations, reducing your fear of disappointing others.

Does the fear of disappointing others subside as people age?

The fear of disappointing others may or may not subside as people age, as it largely depends on the individual’s experiences and personal growth.

Some people become more self-assured and confident in their decisions as they age, which can reduce the fear of disappointing others. They may develop a deeper understanding of their own values, boundaries, and priorities. 

However, others may still struggle with this fear if they haven’t effectively addressed the underlying causes. It’s essential to remember that personal growth and self-improvement are ongoing processes, and age alone may not guarantee a decrease in this fear.

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The Great Fear of Disappointing Your Parents

How to Conquer Your Fear of Disappointing Others

If you have a fear of disappointing others then you’re not alone because this is something that lots of people struggle with, and it’s something that I’ve struggled with myself.

Now on the surface of it, you might be thinking, that you’ve never struggled with this challenge, but stick around, because fear of disappointing others can show up in many different ways, and it just might be that you don’t identify it as a fear of disappointing others.

In this article, I’m going to share some of the ways fear of disappointing others can show up in your life and what you can do to start to get a handle on it.

What is Fear of Disappointing Others Called?  

Fear of disappointing others has no specific name, however, there are two other fears which could arise as a result of having a fear of disappointing others. Atychiphobia , which is an extreme and irrational fear of failure, and atelophobia, which is an irrational fear of making any mistake, according to Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell Medical College.

Someone with Atychiphobia or Atelophobia can experience stress, excessive anxiety, and even dizziness as a result of the phobia.

While atelophobia can be biological, according to licensed clinical psychologist, Menije Boduryan-Turner , PsyD, it’s  often a result of a traumatic experience related to terrible experiences with failures or pressures to be perfect.

Atelophobia and atychiphobia are two extremes when it comes to fear of disappointing others, however, they are an important example of the potential critical impact of having a fear of disappointing others, in an extreme case.

What Causes Fear of Disappointing Others  

Fear of disappointing others stems from our past experiences. What that experience is and exactly how it impacts you is personal to you and is different for each individual.  

According to Good Therapy , a need to please others comes from the need to avoid “bad person feelings”  

The article explains that these “bad person feelings” typically develop early on in childhood. They are a result of some experience that made us feel that we were bad people, rather than our behavior being what was wrong.

Even though our parents most likely didn’t mean for this to be the message, this was the message we took away from the situation. Because of this, as adults, we can then end up with a need to please and a deep fear of disappointing people.  

What’s more, according to the article, by Psychotherapist, Beverly Amsel, when a parent expresses hurt or disappointment by a sigh, a look, crying, head shaking, or leaving the room, the impact can be devastating. It leaves the child thinking, “How can I have done this to my parent? I must be a terrible person.”  

And when parents express displeasure in the form of hurt, it is especially difficult for a child to mobilize a strong sense of self and fight back.  To the child, the parent’s hurt is evidence that they are a bad person. It then feels necessary for the child to always please others and behave in ways to avoid the “I am a bad person” feeling.

Another factor that causes a fear of disappointing others is low self-esteem. According to Mindright Clinical Psychologists,   low self-esteem comes from our childhood and specifically from messages that we received from our parents or primary caregivers and other influential people in our lives at the time.  

This could have been teachers, grandparents, or other people who heavily featured in our lives, especially if we looked up to them.  

Low self-esteem can become a serious issue, affecting your close relationships, your work, and your mental health. What’s more, it can lead to social anxiety, and according to the Mindright Clinical Psychologists, those who suffer from social anxiety are the most likely to please others out of a fear of disappointing others or a fear of rejection.  

How Fear of Disappointing Others Shows Up

Fear of disappointing others can show up in lots of different ways and can affect every key aspect of your life. Including your work, your workplace relationships, and your whole career.  

Some ways that fear of disappointing others might show up include:  

• Struggling to say no  
• Often feeling guilty  
• Feel particularly guilty when you do things for yourself, overdoing things based on what others want
• Being a people pleaser  
• Struggling to make decisions  
• Worrying too much about what others think of you  
• Constant worrying and anxiety over your performance  

As you can see from this list, a fear of disappointing others has many faces and it can look different in different people. But regardless of how it shows up for you, the potential impact on your life and career can be significant.  

This is why it’s so important to become aware of the situation and to recognize how your fear of disappointing others is showing up in your life and the impact it might be having.  

The Impact of Having a Fear of Disappointing Others  

From the list above, you can start to see how your fear of disappointing others can impact you long-term.  

Not only does it cause lots of anxiety, but it can lead to a whole host of other challenges.

You’ll overextend yourself and struggle to manage your time

If you especially struggle to say no because of a fear of disappointing others, the chances are that you struggle to manage your time and you often feel overextended, with way too much on your plate.  

While saying no is difficult when you have a fear of disappointing others, learning to say no isn’t just important for your own health and sanity. It will also allow you to show up more fully for the engagements that you do say yes to.  

If you don’t learn to say no you could end up feeling emotionally and physically drained. What’s more, you could disappoint others by not being fully present or, where work is concerned, by not doing your best work and even not meeting deadlines, ultimately, causing the very thing that you were trying to avoid, to happen.

You can lose people’s trust  

When you stretch yourself too thin whether at work or in your personal life, at some point, somethings going to give and when this happens, someone will be disappointed. I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but believe me, I’ve been there.

Whether you have to let people down at the last minute, or you’re struggling to meet deadlines because you haven’t properly managed people’s expectations, or been honest about what support you need, there are lots of ways that you can end up burning bridges and losing people’s trust.

Your mental health can suffer  

Constantly worrying about what other people think and feeling guilty is a one-way ticket to anxiety and stress, two things that have a serious strain on you, not just mentally and emotionally but even physically. Ultimately, having a fear of disappointing others can lead to you feeling overwhelmed and ultimately burning out.  

If can stop you from learning and progressing  

The best way to learn is by doing things and making mistakes. Fear of disappointing others inevitably makes you afraid of making mistakes. This in turn slows down your progress and stops you from learning and getting on.  

It can hold you back from achieving your goals

While fear of disappointing others can lead you to be a high achiever, working super hard, and aiming for perfection, it can also stop you from achieving your goals.  

For example, if what your family wants for you isn’t what you want for yourself, a fear of disappointing others will make it seem impossible to choose your own path.

In addition to this, being concerned by what others think and striving for perfection can stop you from taking action, and without action, you can’t move forwards and achieve your goals.  

How To Overcome a Fear of Disappointing Others  

Increase your self-awareness  .

First off, recognize your fear of disappointing others for what it is. Being self-aware and understanding the reasons behind why you do what you do, and why you are how you are is the first step towards overcoming potential obstacles and challenges that come with something like having a fear of disappointing others.

Give yourself a break  

No one’s perfect and striving for perfection is stressful at best and crippling at worst. Be kind to yourself.  

This means:

• Forgive yourself when you make mistakes
• Hush the negative voice inside your head  
• Stop judging yourself by an impossible yardstick and then changing the goalposts  
• Stop beating yourself up for things that are outside of your control  
• Don’t overlook or undervalue the good things that you do and the things you do well  
• Seek positive feedback and reinforcement  

Remember you can’t please everyone  

At some point, you will disappoint someone. We all do. Because you can’t please everyone, all the time. The same decision that will make one person happy,   might disappoint someone else. That’s just a fact of life and the more you come to accept it the easier it will become to manage your fear of disappointing others.  

Stop living for other peoples approval

Remember that you don’t know what baggage other people bring to the table. What you do might never be enough for some people, and that will have to be ok. What’s important is that you set yourself a standard that’s high for you and you work to meet that.  Because meeting the standards you set for yourself is what’s important. 

If you’re waiting to get approval from everyone around you, you’re likely to be waiting forever.

Start with small steps  

  Once you accept that you can’t please everyone all the time, it’s time to start taking small steps towards dealing with your fear of disappointing others.

Start with small things like actually speaking up about what you’d like to do, where you would prefer to go, and what you want to eat, rather than saying you’re fine with what everyone else decides.  

Eventually, you need to learn to say no. but again, start small and build up from there. Perhaps offer alternative options, if just saying no isn’t possible.  

Work on your communication skills  

From my personal experience, a lot of anxiety can come as a result of ineffective communication. The clearer your communication becomes, the less margin there will be for error. What’s more, the more precise communication is, the clearer everyone is of what’s expected, and this means you’re less likely to be able to create a narrative in your mind, that most likely isn’t true.

Try fear setting

When it comes to a fear of disappointing others, we cause ourselves stress by creating a story in our minds of what might happen, what the other person could be thinking about us, what could happen as a result of some action we have or haven’t taken.

In truth, these are just stories and they often have nothing to do with the reality of the situation.  

Fear setting is about thinking about these worst-case scenarios and thinking them through to the end. What will you do if the worst does happen?

While this might sound like it would only add to your stress levels, doing this exercise will help you to see that the worst-case will likely never happen, and even if it does, it won’t be the end of the world.  

Get professional help and support  

Finally, if your fear of disappointing others is on the more severe end of the scale and you feel that’s it’s seriously having an impact on your life to the point that you can’t move forwards, it’s worth seeking professional help and talking to someone who can help you to start working through this fear.  

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is that many of us suffer from some sort of worry, fear, or anxiety in some area of our lives. The key is to take small daily steps to overcome these challenges and to not let them take over and rule our lives.  

To this end, journaling is a powerful tool for increasing your self-awareness, it can help you to become clear on what impact things have on you in your daily life, and why, so that you can start to work through them and overcome them.  

• Consider starting a journal and writing down some of the ways that fear of disappointing others shows up for you.
• Identify when your fear of disappointing others shows up most
• Decide on one single action that you could take each day or one small change that you could make to start to overcome your fear of disappointing others.

Hopefully, with these steps, your fear will learn to take a back seat, or even ride in another car, rather than being in the driving seat of your life.

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Disappointment Hurts. What Can You Do About It?

Research helps explain what you can do to lessen the impact of disappointment..

Posted April 13, 2018

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Margaret* was shopping for a dress for a special occasion. “I just can’t decide,” she said. “I try to imagine myself in each dress, and I’m not sure whether or not it will make me feel comfortable and attractive at the same time. Maybe I’m asking for too much from a dress, but I don’t want to get to the occasion and feel like I’ve made the wrong choice.”

Gary* thought he was in love: “But I don’t want to move too fast. What if it doesn’t last? What if I’m wrong about what I’m feeling — or it doesn’t work out?” He was afraid to make the decision to move forward in the relationship, because he was afraid of being disappointed.

Studies tell us that many of us fear disappointment so much that we actually change our behavior just so we won’t have to feel it.

What makes disappointment so painful? Why are we so afraid of it? And what can you do to be less afraid of the feeling, so that you can make decisions based on something more important than avoiding a negative emotion ?

The answers are pretty straightforward: Disappointment is, in and of itself, a painful or sad feeling that happens when something disrupts our positive feelings and hopeful expectations. According to Patricia DeYoung, who recently published a book about chronic shame , the disruption caused by disappointment may bring feelings of shame along with it. And shame, DeYoung tells us, makes us feel bad about ourselves. We think that somehow we are at fault — either for causing a disruption or even for having had high hopes in the first place.

In my book on women’s friendships , I write about the psychological phenomenon of “optimal disappointment,” in which normal and manageable experiences of disappointment in childhood help us build the “feeling muscles” to tolerate and even grow from manageable distress. Parents who understand that disappointment is simply part of life can help children cope with age-appropriate letdowns and the sad and angry feelings that go along with those moments. When these feelings are acknowledged, the child is then helped to make the best of the situation and move on — and maybe even grow from the letdown. Children can learn not to be afraid of disappointment. When parents themselves are afraid of these feelings, however, they may try to shield children from all possible setbacks and losses, even those that are age-appropriate and manageable. And then children learn to fear these feelings as well — without developing the psychological and emotional know-how to handle the inevitable obstacles of every life.

Similarly, according to another study, ongoing feelings of entitlement can lead to painful and repeated disappointment. According to Joshua Grubbs, the primary author of a study from Case Western Reserve, "At extreme levels, entitlement is a toxic narcissistic trait, repeatedly exposing people to the risk of feeling frustrated, unhappy, and disappointed with life."

There are other reasons that we fear disappointment as adults. Perhaps you have experienced a traumatic letdown in your life, or a series of painful moments of hopeful expectations dashed for one reason or another. Of course you are going to be afraid that another disappointment will create similar feelings of distress and unhappiness. That is not only normal; it’s even a sign of health. Our feelings help keep us from repeating bad and painful experiences, so your fear of disappointment is trying to do exactly that — keep you from feeling traumatic pain.

But, of course, not all disappointment is traumatic. And in order to start being less afraid of disappointment and better able to make decisions, you have to teach yourself that future disappointments do not need to be as painful or as upsetting as past ones might have been.

How can you do that? One way is to follow a simple and extremely modified version of something called “exposure therapy ,” in which you are gradually exposed to small amounts of a situation or experience that causes you anxiety . In this variation, you put yourself in tiny, insignificant situations in which you have to make a decision that might disappoint you.

For instance, go to a new coffee shop to get your morning coffee. Allow yourself a reasonable amount of time to choose and order your coffee. Pay attention to your hopes and expectations: Are you hoping that you will have the best coffee experience of your life? Or are you assuming that the coffee will be terrible? When the coffee arrives, pay attention to your reaction. Do you hate it immediately? Are you pleasantly surprised? Do you decide it’s the best coffee in town?

Whatever your reaction, try to discuss it with yourself as though you are talking to a young child struggling to deal with his or her expectations and reactions. Remind yourself that it’s okay to be upset if you don’t like it, and to be excited if you do like it. But also remind yourself that you will have other moments like this, and that they do not have to be terribly significant in your life. They do not reflect on whether or not you are a good person, nor do they tell you how the rest of your day, week, or life is going to go.

What you are practicing is regulating your feelings in moments of disappointment and pleasure. And the more you can do it in small, optimal moments, the easier it will be to do it in bigger, less optimal situations.

Over time, with more practice, disappointment will not be such a looming problem. And decisions that you have avoided because you were afraid of being disappointed will gradually become easier.

Copyright@FDBarth2018

*Names and identifying information changed to protect privacy

Joshua B. Grubbs, Julie J. Exline. Trait Entitlement: A Cognitive-Personality Source of Vulnerability to Psychological Distress.. Psychological Bulletin, 2016; DOI: 10.1037/bul0000063

The Impact of Disappointment in Decision Making: Inter-Individual Differences and Electrical Neuroimaging. Hélène Tzieropoulos, Rolando Grave de Peralta, Peter Bossaerts, Sara L. Gonzalez Andino. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience. 2010; 4: 235. Published online 2011 Jan 6. doi: 10.3389/fnhum.2010.00235

Patricia deYoung. Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: A Relational/Neurobiological Approach. Routledge, 2015.

F. Diane Barth, L.C.S.W. , is a psychotherapist, teacher, and author in private practice in New York City.

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How to Overcome a Fear of Rejection

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How to Overcome Fear of Rejection

• Common Behaviors

Psychological Outcomes

Frequently asked questions.

The fear of rejection is a powerful feeling that often has a far-reaching impact on our lives. Most people experience some nerves when placing themselves in situations that could lead to rejection, but for some people, the fear becomes overwhelming.

This fear can have many underlying causes. An untreated fear of rejection may worsen over time, leading to greater and greater limitations in a person's life.

This article discusses how to overcome your fear of rejection, and also how rejection sensitivity can affect your life and behavior.

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If you are experiencing a fear of rejection, there are steps you can take to learn how to cope better and stop this fear from negatively impacting your life. You may find the following strategies helpful for learning how to overcome a fear of rejection.

Improve Your Self-Regulation Skills

Self-regulation refers to your ability to identify and control your emotions and behaviors. It also plays an important role in overcoming your fear of rejection. By identifying negative thoughts that contribute to feelings of fear, you can actively take steps to reframe your thinking in a way that is more optimistic and encouraging.

Face Your Fears

Avoidance coping involves managing unpleasant feelings by simply avoiding the things that trigger those emotions. The problem with this approach is that it ultimately contributes to increased feelings of fear. Instead of getting better at dealing with your fear of rejection, it makes you even more fearful and sensitive to it.

So instead of avoiding situations where you might experience rejection, focus on putting yourself out there and tackling your fear. Once you have more experience facing your fear , you'll begin to recognize that the consequences are less anxiety-provoking than you anticipated. You'll also gain greater confidence in your own abilities to succeed.

Cultivate Resilience

Being resilient means that you are able to pick yourself up after a setback and move forward with a renewed sense of strength and optimism. Strategies that can help foster a greater sense of resilience include building your confidence in your own abilities, having a strong social support system, and nurturing and caring for yourself. Having goals and taking steps to improve your skills can also give you faith in your ability to bounce back from rejection.

Taking steps to overcome your fear of rejection can help minimize its detrimental impact on your life. Learning how to manage your emotions, taking steps to face your fears, and cultivating a strong sense of resilience can all help you become better able to tolerate the fear of rejection. 

Where It Can Impact Your Life

Although not every person experiences the fear of rejection in the same way, it tends to affect the ability to succeed in a wide range of personal and professional situations.

Job Interviews

Fear of rejection can lead to physical symptoms that can sometimes be interpreted as a lack of confidence. Confidence and an air of authority are critical in many positions, and those experiencing this fear often come across as weak and insecure. If you have a fear of rejection, you may also have trouble negotiating work-related contracts, leaving valuable pay and benefits on the table.

Business Dealings

In many positions, the need to impress does not end once you have the job. Entertaining clients, negotiating deals, selling products, and attracting investors are key components of many jobs. Even something as simple as answering the telephone can be terrifying for people with a fear of rejection.

Meeting New People

Humans are social creatures, and we are expected to follow basic social niceties in public. If you have a fear of rejection, you may feel unable to chat with strangers or even friends of friends. The tendency to keep to yourself could potentially prevent you from making lasting connections with others.

First dates can be daunting, but those with a fear of rejection may experience significant anxiety. Rather than focusing on getting to know the other person and deciding whether you would like a second date, you might spend all of your time worrying about whether that person likes you. Trouble speaking, obsessive worrying about your appearance, an inability to eat, and a visibly nervous demeanor are common.

Peer Relationships

The need to belong is a basic human condition, so people often behave in ways that help them fit in with the group. While dressing, speaking, and behaving as a group member is not necessarily unhealthy, peer pressure sometimes goes too far. It could lead you to do things you're not comfortable with just to remain part of the group.

The fear of rejection can affect many different areas of life, including your success in the workplace and your relationships with friends and romantic partners.

How It Affects Your Behavior

When you have a fear of rejection, you may engage in behaviors focused on either covering up or compensating for this fear.

Lack of Authenticity

Many people who are afraid of rejection develop a carefully monitored and scripted way of life. Fearing that you will be rejected if you show your true self to the world, you may live life behind a mask. This can make you seem phony and inauthentic to others and may cause a rigid unwillingness to embrace life’s challenges.

People-Pleasing

Although it is natural to want to take care of those we love, those who fear rejection often go too far. You might find it impossible to say no, even when saying yes causes major inconveniences or hardships in your own life.

If you are a people-pleaser , you may take on too much, increasing your risk for burnout . At the extreme, people-pleasing sometimes turns into enabling the bad behaviors of others.

People with a fear of rejection often go out of their way to avoid confrontations. You might refuse to ask for what you want or speak up for what you need. A common tendency is to try to simply shut down your own needs or pretend that they don’t matter.

The fear of rejection may stop you from reaching your full potential. Putting yourself out there is frightening for anyone, but if you have a fear of rejection, you may feel paralyzed. Hanging onto the status quo feels safe, even if you are not happy with your current situation.

Passive-Aggressiveness

Uncomfortable showing off their true selves but unable to entirely shut out their own needs, many people who fear rejection end up behaving in passive-aggressive ways . You might procrastinate, "forget" to keep promises, complain, and work inefficiently on the projects that you take on.

The fear of rejection might drive you to engage in behaviors like passive-aggressiveness, passivity, and people-pleasing. It can also undermine your authenticity and make it difficult to be yourself when you are around others.

The fear of rejection leads to behaviors that make us appear insecure, ineffectual and overwhelmed. You might sweat, shake, fidget, avoid eye contact, and even lose the ability to effectively communicate. While individuals react to these behaviors in very different ways, these are some of the reactions you might see.

Ironically, the fear of rejection often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is well-known in pop psychology that confidence enhances attractiveness. As a general rule, the lack of self-confidence that is inherent in a fear of rejection makes us more likely to be rejected.

Research shows that confidence is nearly as important as intelligence in determining our income level.

Manipulation

Some people prey on the insecurities of others. Those who suffer from a fear of rejection may be at greater risk of being manipulated for someone else’s personal gain.

Expert manipulators generally come across as charming, suave, and caring—they know what buttons to push to make others trust them. They also know how to keep someone with a fear of rejection feeling slightly on edge, as if the manipulator might leave at any time. Almost invariably, the manipulator does end up leaving once they have gotten what they want out of the other person.

Frustration

Most people are decent, honest, and forthright. Rather than manipulating someone with a fear of rejection, they will try to help. Look for signs that your friends and family are trying to encourage your assertiveness, asking you to be more open with them, or probing your true feelings.

Many times, however, people who fear rejection experience these efforts as emotionally threatening. This often leads friends and family to walk on eggshells , fearful of making your fears worse. Over time, they may become frustrated and angry, either confronting you about your behavior or beginning to distance themselves from you.

A Word From Verywell

If you find that fear of rejection is negatively affecting your life and causing distress, it may be time to seek out psychotherapy . This can help you explore and better understand some of the underlying contributions to your fear and find more effective ways to cope with this vulnerability.

Past experiences with rejection can play a role in this fear. People who experience greater levels of anxiety or who struggle with feelings of loneliness , depression, self-criticism, and poor self-esteem may also be more susceptible. 

Talking to people can be challenging if you have a fear of rejection. The best way to deal with it is to practice talking to others regularly. Remind yourself that everyone struggles with these fears sometimes and every conversation is a learning opportunity that improves your skills and confidence.

Some signs that you fear rejection include constantly worrying about what other people think, reading too much into what others are saying, going out of your way to please others, and avoiding situations where you might be rejected. You might also avoid sharing your thoughts and opinions because you fear that others might disagree with you.

Fear of rejection might be related to mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression. If your fear is affecting your ability to function normally and is creating distress, you should talk to your healthcare provider or a mental health professional.

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By Lisa Fritscher Lisa Fritscher is a freelance writer and editor with a deep interest in phobias and other mental health topics.