fear of losing a loved one essay

Essays About Losing a Loved One: Top 5 Examples

Writing essays about losing a loved one can be challenging; discover our helpful guide with essay examples and writing prompts to help you begin writing. 

One of the most basic facts of life is that it is unpredictable. Nothing on this earth is permanent, and any one of us can pass away in the blink of an eye. But unfortunately, they leave behind many family members and friends who will miss them very much whenever someone dies.

The most devastating news can ruin our best days, affecting us negatively for the next few months and years. When we lose a loved one, we also lose a part of ourselves. Even if the loss can make you feel hopeless at times, finding ways to cope healthily, distract yourself, and move on while still honoring and remembering the deceased is essential.

5 Top Essay Examples

1. losing a loved one by louis barker, 2. personal reflections on coping and loss by adrian furnham , 3. losing my mom helped me become a better parent by trish mann, 4. reflection – dealing with grief and loss by joe joyce.

• 5. ​​Will We Always Hurt on The Anniversary of Losing a Loved One? by Anne Peterson

1. Is Resilience Glorified in Society?

2. how to cope with a loss, 3. reflection on losing a loved one, 4. the stages of grief, 5. the circle of life, 6. how different cultures commemorate losing a loved one.

“I managed to keep my cool until I realized why I was seeing these familiar faces. Once the service started I managed to keep my emotions in tack until I saw my grandmother break down. I could not even look up at her because I thought about how I would feel in the same situation. Your life can change drastically at any moment. Do not take life or the people that you love for granted, you are only here once.”

Barker reflects on how he found out his uncle had passed away. The writer describes the events leading up to the discovery, contrasting the relaxed, cheerful mood and setting that enveloped the house with the feelings of shock, dread, and devastation that he and his family felt once they heard. He also recalls his family members’ different emotions and mannerisms at the memorial service and funeral. 

“Most people like to believe that they live in a just, orderly and stable world where good wins out in the end. But what if things really are random? Counselors and therapists talk about the grief process and grief stages. Given that nearly all of us have experienced major loss and observed it in others, might one expect that people would be relatively sophisticated in helping the grieving?”

Furnham, a psychologist, discusses the stages of grief and proposes six different responses to finding out about one’s loss or suffering: avoidance, brief encounters, miracle cures, real listeners, practical help, and “giving no quarter.” He discusses this in the context of his wife’s breast cancer diagnosis, after which many people displayed these responses. Finally, Furnham mentions the irony that although we have all experienced and observed losing a loved one, no one can help others grieve perfectly.

“When I look in the mirror, I see my mom looking back at me from coffee-colored eyes under the oh-so-familiar crease of her eyelid. She is still here in me. Death does not take what we do not relinquish. I have no doubt she is sitting beside me when I am at my lowest telling me, ‘You can do this. You got this. I believe in you.’”

In Mann’s essay, she tries to see the bright side of her loss; despite the anguish she experienced due to her mother’s passing. Expectedly, she was incredibly depressed and had difficulty accepting that her mom was gone. But, on the other hand, she began to channel her mom into parenting her children, evoking the happy memories they once shared. She is also amused to see the parallels between her and her kids with her and her mother growing up. 

“Now I understood that these feelings must be allowed expression for as long as a person needs. I realized that the “don’t cry” I had spoken on many occasions in the past was not of much help to grieving persons, and that when I had used those words I had been expressing more my own discomfort with feelings of grief and loss than paying attention to the need of mourners to express them.”

Joyce, a priest, writes about the time he witnessed the passing of his cousin on his deathbed. Having experienced this loss right as it happened, he was understandably shaken and realized that all his preachings of “don’t cry” were unrealistic. He compares this instance to a funeral he attended in Pakistan, recalling the importance of letting grief take its course while not allowing it to consume you. 

5. ​​ Will We Always Hurt on The Anniversary of Losing a Loved One? by Anne Peterson

“Death. It’s certain. And we can’t do anything about that. In fact, we are not in control of many of the difficult circumstances of our lives, but we are responsible for how we respond to them. And I choose to honor their memory.”

Peterson discusses how she feels when she has to commemorate the anniversary of losing a loved one. She recalls the tragic deaths of her sister, two brothers, and granddaughter and describes her guilt and anger. Finally, she prays to God, asking him to help her; because of a combination of prayer and self-reflection, she can look back on these times with peace and hope that they will reunite one day. 

6 Thought-Provoking Writing Prompts on Essays About Losing A Loved One

Society tends to praise those who show resilience and strength, especially in times of struggle, such as losing a loved one. However, praising a person’s resilience can prevent them from feeling the pain of loss and grief. This essay explores how glorifying resilience can prevent a person from healing from painful events. Be sure to include examples of this issue in society and your own experiences, if applicable.

Loss is always tricky, especially involving someone close to your heart. Reflect on your personal experiences and how you overcame your grief for an effective essay. Create an essay to guide readers on how to cope with loss. If you can’t pull ideas from your own experiences, research and read other people’s experiences with overcoming loss in life.

If you have experienced losing a loved one, use this essay to describe how it made you feel. Discuss how you reacted to this loss and how it has impacted who you are today. Writing an essay like this may be sensitive for many. If you don’t feel comfortable with this topic, you can write about and analyze the loss of a loved one in a book, movie, or TV show you have seen. 

When we lose a loved one, grief is expected. There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Discuss each one and how they all connect. You can write a compelling essay by including examples of how the different stages are manifested in books, television, and maybe even your own experiences. 

Death is often regarded as a part of a so-called “circle of life,” most famously shown through the film, The Lion King . In summary, it explains that life goes on and always ends with death. For an intriguing essay topic, reflect on this phrase and discuss what it means to you in the context of losing a loved one. For example, perhaps keeping this in mind can help you cope with the loss. 

Different cultures have different traditions, affected by geography, religion, and history. Funerals are no exception to this; in your essay, research how different cultures honor their deceased and compare and contrast them. No matter how different they may seem, try finding one or two similarities between your chosen traditions. 

If you’d like to learn more, our writer explains how to write an argumentative essay in this guide.For help picking your next essay topic, check out our 20 engaging essay topics about family .

Sheryl Sandberg’s essay on grief is one of the best things I’ve read about marriage

by Amanda Taub

When my closest friend got married a few years ago, I asked her if anything felt different after the ceremony. “Yes,” she said. “Realizing that my best-case scenario is now that I die first.” Her tone was flip, and we both laughed. But there was truth to what she said.

I love my husband so much that I hesitate to write about him — it feels unseemly, like bragging. It is impossibly painful to even imagine life without him: his presence is the source of my greatest joy in life, just as the idea of losing him is one of my worst fears. The best-case scenario is that I die first.

Sheryl Sandberg lost her beloved husband, Dave Goldberg, 30 days ago. To mark that occasion, she has written one of the best essays I have ever read about what it feels like to confront that terrible fear, and to deal with the profound grief that comes from losing someone you love. Her description of her grief since Goldberg’s death feels true not just as a statement of what it is like to lose someone you love, but also what it means to deeply love someone, and the value that our loved ones hold in our lives.

A childhood friend of mine who is now a rabbi recently told me that the most powerful one-line prayer he has ever read is: “Let me not die while I am still alive.” I would have never understood that prayer before losing Dave . Now I do. I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning. These past thirty days, I have spent many of my moments lost in that void. And I know that many future moments will be consumed by the vast emptiness as well. But when I can, I want to choose life and meaning.

Strangely enough, the perfect companion piece to Sandberg’s essay is not about loss, but about the joy of having children. Michelle Goldberg (no relation to Dave Goldberg) wrote in New York Magazine last week about what inspired her and her husband to grow their family.

“Not long ago,” she writes , “I learned the Arabic word Ya’aburnee . Literally, ‘you bury me,’ it means wanting to die before a loved one so as not to have to face the world without him or her in it.”

Goldberg realized that those words captured her feelings for her husband, and that having a child would be a way to bring more of him into the world — and a way to hold on to part of him if someday she lost him.

Goldberg and her husband now have two children, and they have enriched her life, she writes, in ways she would never have believed possible. “Before there was one person in the world for whom I would use the word Ya’aburnee , and now there are three.”

Reading Sandberg’s essay with Goldberg’s is a reminder that the pain of loss is a worthwhile price to pay for the joy of love and marriage. Although Sandberg’s husband has died, the life they built together still remains. Her essay closes with a moving promise to support what they built, and the children they had together, even as she mourns him:

I can’t even express the gratitude I feel to my family and friends who have done so much and reassured me that they will continue to be there. In the brutal moments when I am overtaken by the void, when the months and years stretch out in front of me endless and empty, only their faces pull me out of the isolation and fear. My appreciation for them knows no bounds. I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, “But I want Dave. I want option A.” He put his arm around me and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.” Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B. And even though sheloshim has ended, I still mourn for option A. I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.” I love you, Dave.

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• I’m afraid of losing someone

Few things in life are scarier than the thought of losing a loved one. On some level, most of us realize that everything comes to an end. We usually do our best not to think about it.

But some things can bring it to the front of our minds—for example, when someone we love gets sick. Or during a major crisis like a natural disaster… or a global pandemic . Sometimes it’s on our minds simply because we’ve lost someone before. When we feel depressed or anxious, our minds can become fixated on negative thoughts like this.

Fear and anxiety often come from uncertainty. There are some things we can never know for sure: What will happen to my loved ones, and when? What will happen to me if I lose them? We can’t see the future. But there are things we can do to manage our fear and anxiety about it.

Understand that you’re not alone

It’s totally normal to fear losing someone. The fear of loss is something everyone has experienced at one time or another.

And if worse comes to worst and you do lose someone, you can make it through this. Humans are incredibly resilient. We bounce back! People have been suffering from grief and loss—and overcoming it—for as long as we’ve existed.

Finding someone you can talk to about your fears can make a huge difference. If you don’t have a trusted friend or family member, try finding an online support group or talking to a therapist .

Focus on what you can control

One way to cope with fear is to think about whether there’s anything you can reasonably do to control the situation. If there is, do it. If there isn’t, try to let it go. Once you’ve done all you can, worrying about it more won’t do any good—it will only wear you out.

The COVID-19 pandemic is a good example. If you’re worried about a loved one getting sick, what can you reasonably do? You can wear a mask to avoid spreading the virus. You can avoid traveling except when necessary. You can get vaccinated, and encourage your loved ones to do the same.

What you can’t do is control other people’s behavior. You can’t force other people to wear a mask or get vaccinated—but you can avoid spending time around people who aren’t being careful.

There are certain things that give us the illusion of control. Washing your hands after you touch things in public is a good way to prevent the spread of illness—but washing your hands 10 times more often won’t make you 10 times safer. Worrying and obsessing over the situation also won’t help.

You can try a journaling activity to determine what you can and can’t control: Write down what you’re afraid might happen. Then, make a list of all the things you can and can’t control about the situation. Letting go of what you can’t control is easier said than done, but you can learn to do it by practicing.

Making meaning out of fear and loss

Our emotions help us make sense of the world around us. Even painful emotions like fear and grief have an important purpose.

Fear can motivate us to do what we can to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. Thinking about future losses can help us to appreciate what we still have.

Many people are able to find comfort in their belief systems. Some people believe that our loved ones live on after death, and we will see them again. Others believe that a piece of them lives on within us. For some people, this life is the only one we get, and that’s what makes it beautiful and valuable. If you’re not sure what you believe, that’s ok too—learning to live with uncertainty can be good for your mental health!

We wish we could guarantee you that you won’t lose your loved one. It’s heartbreaking to say, but losing people is a part of life. But you’re surrounded by people who understand that fear and have overcome it. And that can be a source of hope.

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How your brain copes with grief, and why it takes time to heal

Berly McCoy

Grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions, says researcher and author Mary-Frances O'Connor. That can range from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering. Adam Lister/Getty Images hide caption

Grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions, says researcher and author Mary-Frances O'Connor. That can range from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering.

Holidays are never quite the same after someone we love dies. Even small aspects of a birthday or a Christmas celebration — an empty seat at the dinner table, one less gift to buy or make — can serve as jarring reminders of how our lives have been forever changed. Although these realizations are hard to face, clinical psychologist Mary-Frances O'Connor says we shouldn't avoid them or try to hide our feelings.

"Grief is a universal experience," she notes, "and when we can connect, it is better."

O'Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, studies what happens in our brains when we experience grief. She says grieving is a form of learning — one that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love in it. "The background is running all the time for people who are grieving, thinking about new habits and how they interact now."

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Coronavirus has upended our world. it's ok to grieve.

After The Loss Of A Loved One, Your Holiday Traditions Change But Hope Endures

Adjusting to the fact that we'll never again spend time with our loved ones can be painful. It takes time — and involves changes in the brain. "What we see in science is, if you have a grief experience and you have support so that you have a little bit of time to learn, and confidence from the people around you, that you will in fact adapt."

O'Connor's upcoming book, The Grieving Brain , explores what scientists know about how our minds grapple with the loss of a loved one.

Interview highlights

On the grieving process

When we have the experience of being in a relationship, the sense of who we are is bound up with that other person. The word sibling, the word spouse implies two people. And so when the other person is gone, we suddenly have to learn a totally new set of rules to operate in the world. The "we" is as important as the "you" and "me," and the brain, interestingly, really does encode it that way. So when people say "I feel like I've lost part of myself," that is for a good reason. The brain also feels that way, as it were, and codes the "we" as much as the "you" and the "I."

A Thanksgiving Feast With Space At The Table For Grief

On the difference between grief and grieving

Grief is that emotional state that just knocks you off your feet and comes over you like a wave. Grieving necessarily has a time component to it. Grieving is what happens as we adapt to the fact that our loved one is gone, that we're carrying the absence of them with us. And the reason that this distinction makes sense is, grief is a natural response to loss — so we'll feel grief forever. A woman who lost her mother as a young person is going to experience that grief on her wedding day because it's a new moment where she's having a response to loss.

But "grieving" means that our relationship to that grief changes over time. So the first time, maybe even the first 100 times, you're knocked off your feet with grief, it feels terrible and awful and unfamiliar. But maybe the 101st time, you think to yourself, "I hate this, I don't want this to be true. But I do recognize it, and I do know that I will get through the wave."

On the emotions involved in grieving

The range of emotions that someone experiences when they're grieving is as long a list as the range of emotions we have in any relationship. Commonly there's panic, there's anxiety, there's sadness, there's yearning. But what we sometimes forget is that there's also difficulty concentrating and confusion about what happens next.

When COVID Deaths Are Dismissed Or Stigmatized, Grief Is Mixed With Shame And Anger

I am often struck by the intensity of the emotions. Grief is like someone turned up the volume dial all of a sudden. The emotion that I think often interferes with our relationships and friendships when we're grieving is anger, because the anger feels so intense. You have someone blow up at a dinner party and you think, "What's happening with them?" And then to try and remember, "Oh, they're grieving and everything is amped up a little bit."

On what is happening in our brains

We have neuroimaging studies basically of grief, of the momentary reaction where you have that emotional yearning experience. There are less than a handful of studies looking at more than one moment in the same person across time — so looking at their grieving trajectory. What we know right now in these early days of the neurobiology of grief is really coming from snapshots.

Having said that, one of the things that we know is that grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions we have, from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering. So lots of different parts of the brain are orchestrating this experience that we have when we feel grief.

On prolonged grief

When you're knocked over by that wave of grief, you want to know, "When will this end?" From a research perspective, there is a very small proportion of people who might have what we now call prolonged grief disorder, something we start looking for after six months or a year [after a death or loss]. ... And what we are seeing, [in such cases], is that this person has not been able to function day to day the way that they wish that they could. They're not getting out the door to work or getting dinner on the table for their kids or they're not able to, say, listen to music because it's just too upsetting. So these types of concerns ... suggest it would be helpful to intervene and get them back on the healing trajectory where they will still feel grief, but they will adapt to it differently.

The older term that we were using for a long time was "complicated grief." And although prolonged grief disorder is the term we've settled on, there's a reason that I like the term complicated — because it makes you think of complications.

As an example, one of those is the grief-related rumination that people sometimes experience. The better term for that that people will recognize is the "would've, should've, could've" thoughts. And they just roll through your head over and over again. The problem with these thoughts — we sometimes call "counterfactuals" — is that they all end in this virtual scenario where the person doesn't die. And that's just not reality. And so, by spinning in these thoughts, not only is there no answer — there are an infinite number of possibilities with no actual answer of what would have happened — but it also isn't necessarily helping us to adapt to the painful reality that they did die. And so our virtual version is not really helping us to learn how to be in the world now.

It's less than 10% of people who experience prolonged grief disorder. And what that means is 90% of people experience difficult grief and suffering, but don't have a disorder after losing a loved one. I think it's so important to remember that ... because we don't want to hide grief away ... in a psychiatrist's office or a counselor's office, except in indications where that would be helpful to get people back on track.

On how to support grieving people in your life

I think when you care for someone who is going through this terrible process of losing someone, it really is more about listening to them and seeing where they're at in their learning than it is about trying to make them feel better. The point is not to cheer them up. The point is to be with them and let them know that you will be with them and that you can imagine a future for them where they're not constantly being knocked over by the waves of grief.

On losing people to the pandemic

One of the topics I think is not much in the national conversation is that so many of the deaths of our loved ones happened in hospitals, emergency rooms and ICUs — and we weren't there to see it. And that is for a very good reason, because we were trying to stop the spread of COVID. So having family members in hospitals did not make sense.

But it means that people are without these memories of watching their loved one become more ill and watching those changes that happen in their body that prepare our mind for the possibility that they might die. To go through that process without those memories makes it much harder to learn what has happened. So many people feel it hasn't really sunk in yet that they're gone.

When A Beloved Life Ends, Virtual Hugs Can't Replace Human Touch

COVID deaths leave thousands of U.S. kids grieving parents or primary caregivers

What I don't hear very often is the fact that with COVID, the loved ones that are left behind made the sacrifice of not being with their loved ones in the hospital in order to stop the spread. And that sacrifice needs to be recognized, I think. In part to help people heal, so that it's understood why they're having such a difficult time. And to elevate the understanding that they did something for the greater good — and they gave up something while they did it.

An excerpted audio version of this interview first appeared in a recent episode of NPR's daily science podcast, Short Wave , hosted by Emily Kwong and produced by Berly McCoy.

• neuroscience

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Welcome to the Academy of Sense – your source for expert insights on psychology, relationships, and mental health.

Thantophobia: the Fear of Losing Someone you Love

The dread of losing someone cherished can be a tormenting and overpowering encounter. Whether it’s the loss of a dear friend, relative, or romantic partner, the thought of losing someone significant in our lives can inundate us with dread and unease. This fear, known as Thantophobia, can hinder our ability to fully relish and treasure our connections, resulting in feelings of insecurity and skepticism. In this article, we will delve into the root causes of Thantophobia, its impact on our day-to-day existence, and investigate ways to control and conquer this fear.

Regardless of whether you have experienced loss in the past or are currently grappling with the fear of the unknown, Thantophobia can be a daunting and emotionally draining experience. Yet it’s crucial to acknowledge that you are not alone. Many individuals struggle with this fear, and there are numerous resources available to aid you in finding comfort and healing. In this blog, we will traverse a variety of subjects relating to Thantophobia, from coping mechanisms and self-care techniques to the advantages of therapy and counseling. We will also scrutinize the link between Thantophobia and other correlated mental health issues, such as anxiety and attachment insecurity. With the proper tools and support, it is feasible to overcome the fear of losing someone you love and discover peace, security, and joy in your relationships.

Explanation of Thantophobia (Fear of Losing Someone)

The dread of losing someone cherished is a prevalent but frequently disregarded fear that affects many individuals. It can manifest as an intense and persistent fear of losing a loved one due to death, ailment, or other reasons. This fear can be incapacitating, impacting daily life, relationships, and overall well-being. For some people, Thantophobia can also lead to anxiety, which can intensify the fear and form a vicious cycle of concern and distress. Comprehending the fear and its relationship to anxiety is a critical step in overcoming this fear and finding peace and security in relationships.

Significance of Examining the Relationship between Thantophobia and Anxiety

Examining the relationship between Thantophobia and anxiety is crucial for several reasons. Firstly, it helps to shed light on the underlying causes of the fear and anxiety, which can be beneficial in developing effective coping strategies and treatments. Secondly, it can provide insight into how the two conditions can feed into each other and create a vicious cycle of distress. Lastly, it can raise awareness of the prevalence of Thantophobia and encourage more individuals to seek help and support.

The relationship between Thantophobia and anxiety

Anxiety can be a catalyst in exacerbating Thantophobia, forging a vicious cycle of fear, worry, and distress. When an individual endures anxiety, their thoughts and behaviors can become increasingly centered on the fear of losing someone they hold dear. This fixation can escalate feelings of worry and fear, sparking or intensifying Thantophobia.

Anxiety can also result in avoidance behaviors that can further amplify Thantophobia. When a person experiences anxiety , they may steer clear of circumstances or places that trigger the fear of losing someone they love. This avoidance can escalate feelings of anxiety and fear, as it reinforces the belief that the fear is real and it is not safe to confront it. Breaking this vicious cycle of avoidance, anxiety, and fear can be challenging and can significantly impact an individual’s day-to-day life and well-being.

Impact on Mental Health and Well-being

The fear of losing someone you love can have a profound impact on mental health and well-being . Thantophobia can trigger feelings of anxiety, depression , and stress , interfering with an individual’s daily life and ability to function.

Anxiety is a common symptom of Thantophobia, as the fear of losing someone can cause a person to experience persistent worry and fear. This can result in physical symptoms such as an increased heart rate , sweating , and shaking , as well as mental symptoms such as racing thoughts , difficulty concentrating , and irritability .

Depression is another common effect of Thantophobia, as the fear of losing someone can cause an individual to experience feelings of sadness , hopelessness , and apathy. These feelings can hinder an individual’s ability to participate in activities they once enjoyed and can lead to a decreased sense of self-worth and purpose.

Stress is another common effect of Thantophobia, as the fear of losing someone can trigger the body’s stress response. Chronic stress can cause physical and mental health problems, such as headaches, digestive issues, and sleep disturbances, as well as an increased risk of developing mental health conditions, such as anxiety and depression.

Furthermore, the fear of losing someone you love can negatively impact an individual’s self-esteem and overall sense of well-being. This fear can cause an individual to focus on their perceived shortcomings and feel inadequate, reducing their self-esteem and sense of worth.

Overcoming the Intertwining of Thantophobia and Anxiety

Developing a support network.

Establishing a robust support network is one of the most critical steps in overcoming Thantophobia and anxiety. This can involve seeking the aid of family, friends, support groups, or a mental health professional. Engaging in open and honest conversations about the fear and anxiety with trusted individuals can help reduce stress, provide comfort, and foster a sense of security.

Embracing Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques

Embracing mindfulness and relaxation techniques can also prove beneficial in managing Thantophobia and anxiety. Techniques such as meditation , deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation can help reduce stress, enhance emotional well-being, and decrease anxiety symptoms.

Disputing Negative Thoughts

Disputing negative thoughts can be an effective method of reducing the impact of Thantophobia and anxiety. When an individual experiences the fear of losing someone you love, they may have recurring negative thoughts and worries about losing someone they hold dear. By challenging these thoughts and replacing them with positive , rational beliefs, an individual can diminish the impact of Thantophobia and anxiety.

Engaging in Physical Activity

Physical activity can also play a crucial role in managing Thantophobia and anxiety. Regular exercise can help reduce stress , elevate mood, and increase feelings of control and mastery. By engaging in physical activity, an individual can enhance their mental and emotional well-being and minimize the impact of Thantophobia and anxiety.

Seeking Professional Help

Finally, seeking professional help from a mental health professional can be a decisive step in addressing Thantophobia and anxiety. A mental health professional can offer personalized support, guidance, and treatment to help an individual manage their fear and anxiety and improve their quality of life. One of the most effective ways to address this fear is through therapy. A licensed psychotherapist , such as a clinical psychologist or social worker, can help individuals understand and tackle their fears through talk therapy, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or exposure therapy. For individuals who prefer a more medical approach, a psychiatrist, a medical doctor specializing in mental health, can provide medication-based treatments such as antidepressants , as well as offer therapy and counseling services.

Joining a support group with others experiencing similar fears can provide a sense of community and help individuals feel less isolated in their struggles. Additionally, mindfulness practices , such as meditation , yoga, and deep breathing, can help individuals manage stress and anxiety, and improve their overall well-being.

It is crucial to note that the type of professional help an individual may need depends on their individual circumstances, so it’s advisable to discuss options with a mental health professional to determine the best course of action.

In conclusion, the fear of losing someone you love can have significant and far-reaching effects on mental health and well-being. It is essential for those experiencing Thantophobia to seek support and treatment to manage their fear and anxiety and improve their quality of life.

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How To Cope With The Fear Of Losing Someone You Love

Losing someone you deeply care about life can be one of the most difficult moments in life with which to come to terms, and yet almost all of us eventually lose someone we love. The feelings connected with a loss can encompass a spectrum of intense emotions, such as fear, anger, sadness, and denial. But what can we do if we are faced with the fear of losing someone before it even happens? Sometimes feelings of anxiety can set in before the loss, which can be hard to process.  Other times, the fear may exist without any known cause. In this article, we will explore how to recognize these fears and offer strategies to help manage these feelings. In increasing our knowledge and understanding about how loss affects us, we may find encouragement and support as we work through the grieving process. 

Types of loss

Loss of a partner.

If you have been in a long-term relationship or marriage and it is about to end, the feelings of fear and grief surrounding this loss can be painful on many levels.  You may also find you experience conflicting emotions, such as feelings of relief accompanied by deep sadness. 

Loss of a friendship

There are many reasons a friendship can end: growing apart over time, a change of values, a dramatic bust-up, or a long-distance move. In any situation, it is natural to feel a sense of loss of letting go of someone whom you cherish. 

Loss of a family member

Relationships can be at times troublesome, and with some family members, there may be a lifetime of good times mixed in with challenges. In some of these cases, there may need to be a break for the mental health of one or the other. While a net positive, this space can also bring on feelings of loss and sadness. 

Loss of a social circle

For those who leave a job or move to a new geographic area, there may be a loss of their social group. A person may also experience a sense of absence when they lose contact with another member of their group.

Death of a loved one

Even when the death of a loved one is inevitable, the pain of the loss is still real.  Most of us have or will lose someone we love in our lifetime. 

Are your fears evidence-based?

When examining fears related to losing a loved one, there is a question that can be important to ask yourself: are my fears evidence-based? That is, are you fearful of losing someone who is at a high risk of dying or leaving? A friend with cancer and a poor prognosis, or a husband who has announced that your marriage is over are both examples of fears based on evidence.  In this case, you may be experiencing “anticipatory grief”, that is, a grieving process that begins before the event itself occurs. This type of grief is also called premature or preparatory grief and occurs unconsciously when a person’s stability is shaken, such as with a diagnosis of a life-threatening medical condition.  

The connection between generalized anxiety disorder and certain fears

You may also be experiencing fear because of the possibility that you will lose someone you love dearly, however, there is no definite cause of this fear. Do you continually worry about possibilities that could take a loved one from you, and play them out in your thoughts?  These types of feelings can be symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), in which people experience excessive worry over potential scenarios that can interfere with daily life. 

These fears may also be caused by increased levels of stress or circumstances that remind you of a past loss. In any of these cases, if your fears are becoming unmanageable or are creating a challenge in your day-to-day life, it may be helpful for you to speak to a licensed therapist. They can help you put these fears into perspective and offer coping techniques to manage these feelings over time. 

Strategies for coping with loss or fear of loss

If a loss in your life is inevitable, feeling fearful can be a completely natural response. However, if these fears are overwhelming and affecting your quality of life, finding positive outlets that help you work through these feelings can be helpful. Here are some ways that you can cope with fear and other intense emotions surrounding loss or inevitable loss. 

Understand the grieving process

Preparing yourself for loss by learning about the process of grieving can help, as the knowledge of what to expect may relieve some of the fear. You can begin by understanding how the grieving process may work. First and foremost, grieving is a highly personalized experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it is called a process for a reason. Grief can happen all at once or be gradual - you may find that you move forward and then back again. Many people may find themselves experiencing one emotion, such as sadness or anger, for a period of time before moving forward. 

Stages of grief

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is known for writing about the psychological reaction to imminent death in her book titled On Death and Dying.  Kubler-Ross interviewed several terminally ill patients to explore the experience of dying and found there were five major “stages” of the grieving process. 

The  Kubler-Ross stages of grief  include the following:

• Denial – Difficulty comprehending the reality of the loss
• Anger – May also manifest as blame (someone else is held responsible for the loss)
• Bargaining - Driven by the need to have some sense of control over the situation
• Depression – Characterized by feelings of sadness, anhedonia, and fatigue
• Acceptance – Often followed by enjoying the time they have left and planning for what is ahead

However, these stages are not meant to be a rigid framework. Some may not experience one or more stages. Some may skip a stage or revisit a stage. They also do not represent stages, such as steps in a ladder to the culmination of acceptance. Each stage of grief is an important and healthy facet of the process. Understanding these stages helps encourage empathy and support for yourself and others around you. 

Allow yourself to feel

While there is no “wrong” way to grieve, you can hinder the process by trying to repress natural feelings. If you are feeling afraid of loss, it is okay to feel those feelings, and it may be beneficial to do so. Allow the process to work. You may find it easier to write down your feelings in a journal or talk to a trusted friend. Speaking to a mental health therapist is also a way you can let go of painful feelings in a safe and supportive environment. 

Take care of your physical health

Grieving is complex and can be exhausting, which can take a toll on your physical health. Many people experience loss of sleep and appetite, which can make it difficult to focus on self-care. Physical symptoms can also be a part of the grieving process and healthy choices may help to relieve or decrease the impact of these symptoms. Healthy lifestyle practices can have a positive impact on mental health , so taking care of your body may help you to feel better emotionally. Consider the following healthy lifestyle suggestions: 

• Eat regular meals
• Get exercise. This can mean simply taking a short walk, doing some yoga stretches, or doing a group fitness class you enjoy.
• Go outside. Being in nature can offer  both physical and emotional benefits . 
• Avoid using drugs or alcohol to manage pain
• Practice good sleep hygiene

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

Reach out to loved ones

For some people, grief or fear of loss can cause them to draw away from others. However, expressing your feelings with loved ones can create connections that may help lessen the emotional burden. If you participate in hobbies or group activities, try to continue your participation and keep your connections open. 

Therapy for loss or anxiety around potential loss

Whether you are experiencing fear of losing a loved one who is likely to die or experiencing feelings of anxiety that a loved one may die without evidence of this fact, therapy can be helpful in managing these feelings. In the former case, a licensed therapist can help you come to terms with the situation and guide you through the grieving process. In the latter case, a licensed therapist can help you identify where your feelings of anxiety may stem from and offer a series of coping mechanisms to help you manage those feelings. 

Online therapy 

While looking for a therapist, you may have found that you have several options, including in-person and online therapy - both effective ways for you to seek professional advice. Online therapy is convenient as you participate in therapy from the comfort of your own home and is supported by research as a beneficial alternative to in-person therapy . For those who may not have in-person therapy, are not comfortable meeting face-to-face, or are not insured for therapy and would like to find a more affordable option, online therapy can be an effective and supportive alternative. 

Can online therapy actually help mental health symptoms?

Research has shown that online therapy is effective in treating symptoms of depression, grief, and other mental health symptoms after bereavement . If you have experienced a loss and are interested in speaking with a therapist,  BetterHelp can help match you with a therapist that fits your needs. This online platform gives you the flexibility to schedule appointments that are convenient for you and gives you the opportunity to meet with them over video chat.

Frequently asked questions

Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about the fear of losing someone you love., what is the fear of losing someone you love.

The fear of losing someone you love can be a profound emotion that can come from the anticipation of losing loved ones, with or without any concrete evidence. The fear of losing people can be categorized into two main categories: 

• Evidence-Based Fears – These are fears grounded in actual situations. Examples include a loved one having a severe illness with a poor prognosis or a partner saying they’re going to end the relationship. These fears can lead to something called “anticipatory grief,” a form of grieving that begins before the actual departure or death has occurred. 
• Non-Specific Fears – These fears are when you find yourself worrying about losing a person even though there isn’t any evidence to indicate that they’ll be leaving. This fear could indicate symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). 

In both cases, individuals can’t stop worrying or thinking about the imminent or potential loss.  

Why do I always have these fears of losing someone?

The persistent fear of losing someone, even when there’s no reason to fear their departure, can be caused by several underlying factors. Previous experiences of loss or trauma can lead to heightened fears around death and loss. Your attachment style can also play a role. For example, a person with an anxious attachment style might be overcome by fears of abandonment or rejection.

Constantly living with the fear of losing others can also be a symptom of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Living with these fears can make it difficult to enjoy life. If you find yourself grappling with these fears or other mental health concerns, reaching out to a therapist can help. 

Why do I fear losing a loved one?

The thought of losing someone you love can often evoke feelings of sadness, vulnerability, uncertainty, and fear. Past experiences of loss can intensify these feelings, and your personal attachment style can also play a role. 

External factors in our lives can also bring fears of loss to the forefront. For instance, if someone you know is facing a life-threatening illness or there was an unexpected death in your community, it can make the loss feel more tangible. Similarly, regular exposure to news about accidents, illnesses, or tragedies can create a heightened sense of fear. 

Existential concerns about the fleeting nature of life or philosophical thoughts about life and death can also spur fears of losing the ones you love. 

How do you accept losing someone you love?

Accepting the loss of someone you love is a challenging journey that’s different for everyone. Grief is a personal journey, and there’s no “right” way to navigate it. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the five main stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It can serve as a framework, but it’s common to move fluidly between these stages. 

It’s incredibly important to prioritize self-care and make sure you eat healthy, get enough sleep, and engage in activities that nurture your well-being. Connecting with people you love can also help. It may also be beneficial to seek professional help. A therapist can talk with you about your grief journey and provide you with tools to navigate the loss. 

How can losing someone you love affect your mental health?

Losing someone you love can deeply affect several aspects of your life. Emotionally, you might experience a spectrum of feelings ranging from sadness, anger, and denial to relief and guilt. These emotions can be intense and unpredictable, often changing from one moment to the next. Loss can also lead to difficulty concentrating and other cognitive effects.

Physically, grief can cause fatigue, appetite changes, and sleep changes. It might also cause you to withdraw from activities and avoid starting a new relationship. Loss can also affect your spiritual beliefs if you have them, leading to questions about existence, purpose, and the afterlife. Over time, these emotions may change, and the hurt may dissolve. However, it’s important to note that there’s no “normal” path to loss as it’s a very individual experience. 

How does it feel to lose someone?

Losing someone, whether through death or breakup, often comes with intense emotions like sadness, disbelief, and pain. It can be like navigating through a fog of grief where there are moments of clarity interspersed with overwhelming emotion. Over time, the intensity is likely to lessen, but the sense of loss and grief may remain. Seeking help from a professional can make processing these feelings more manageable. 

Is it okay to lose someone you love?

Absolutely. It’s okay to part ways with someone you love if it’s in the best interest of your well-being or theirs. Relationships can evolve, and sometimes, that means growing apart. Prioritizing your emotional health and future is important. While it may be painful, it’s important to recognize when a relationship isn’t fulfilling or healthy anymore. 

However, if you aren’t sure you’re ready to let go of your relationship, speaking with a therapist or attending couples therapy with your partner could be helpful. 

For many, losing a loved one can lead to personal growth and resilience. While the journey of grief is deeply personal and varied, some people find that the process equips them with a great sense of empathy and a greater appreciation for life’s moments. However, it’s important to recognize everyone’s experience is unique, and strength can manifest in many ways. While some might find strength through death or past relationships, it may be more challenging for others. 

Losing someone can change a person’s life and bring about emotional, psychological, and physical changes. It can cause intense feelings like grief, sadness, and anger or prompt emotional reflection. Sometimes, loss can serve as a catalyst for growth and transformation. 

The absence of a loved one can also disrupt daily routines, traditions, and interactions, which can lead to changing social dynamics. For instance, losing a parent might change holidays and how the family interacts with each other. Alternatively, losing a live-in partner changes your daily routine. 

The life changes caused by losing someone will depend on the person lost, how they were lost (whether through death or separation), and other factors like how close you were to them, whether the loss was unexpected, and more. If you’re having difficulties navigating life after loss, a professional can help. 

There’s no “right” way to deal with losing someone. However, there are several common strategies that many find helpful, including: 

• Acknowledging Your Feelings – It can be important to recognize and accept the myriad of emotions you might feel when dealing with loss. 
• Seek Support – Friends, family, and support groups can all provide comfort and connections while navigating loss. 
• Engage In Therapy – Professional therapists can offer coping strategies and a safe space to process your emotions. 
• Maintain Self-Care – Getting enough rest, eating regularly, and getting adequate exercise can all be important to navigating loss. 
• Allow Time – Healing doesn’t have a set timeline. Giving yourself the grace to grieve at your own pace can be helpful. 

Everyone copes differently, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s important to find what works for you so you can begin to rebuild your life after loss. 

• How To Overcome Fearful Avoidant Attachment Experienced In A Dating Situation Medically reviewed by Paige Henry , LMSW, J.D.
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Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one

Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits.

Coping with the loss of a close friend or family member may be one of the hardest challenges that many of us face. When we lose a spouse, sibling or parent our grief can be particularly intense. Loss is understood as a natural part of life, but we can still be overcome by shock and confusion, leading to prolonged periods of sadness or depression. The sadness typically diminishes in intensity as time passes, but grieving is an important process in order to overcome these feelings and continue to embrace the time you had with your loved one.

Everyone reacts differently to death and employs personal coping mechanisms for grief. Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits. It may take months or a year to come to terms with a loss. There is no “normal” time period for someone to grieve. Don’t expect to pass through phases of grief either, as research suggests that most people do not go through stages as progressive steps.

If your relationship with the deceased was difficult, this will also add another dimension to the grieving process. It may take some time and thought before you are able to look back on the relationship and adjust to the loss.

Human beings are naturally resilient, considering most of us can endure loss and then continue on with our own lives. But some people may struggle with grief for longer periods of time and feel unable to carry out daily activities. Individuals with severe grief or complicated grief could benefit from the help of a psychologist or another licensed mental health professional with a specialization in grief.

Moving on with life

Mourning the loss of a close friend or relative takes time, but research tells us that it can also be the catalyst for a renewed sense of meaning that offers purpose and direction to life.

Grieving individuals may find it helpful to use some of the following strategies to help them process and come to terms with loss:

• Talk about the death of your loved one with friends or colleagues in order to help you understand what happened and remember your friend or family member. Avoidance can lead to isolation and will disrupt the healing process with your support systems.
• Accept your feelings . You may experience a wide range of emotions from sadness, anger or even exhaustion. All of these feelings are normal and it’s important to recognize when you are feeling this way. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed by these emotions, it may be helpful to talk with a licensed psychologist or other mental health professional who can help you cope with your feelings and find ways to get back on track.
• Take care of yourself and your family . Eating healthy foods, exercising and getting plenty of sleep can help your physical and emotional health. The grieving process can take a toll on one’s body.  Make sure you check in with your loved ones and that they are taking the necessary healthy steps to maintain their health.
• Reach out and help others dealing with the loss . Spending time with loved ones of the deceased can help everyone cope. Whether it’s sharing stories or listening to your loved one’s favorite music, these small efforts can make a big difference to some. Helping others has the added benefit of making you feel better as well.
• Remember and celebrate the lives of your loved ones . Anniversaries of a lost loved one can be a difficult time for friends and family, but it can also be a time for remembrance and honoring them. It may be that you decide to collect donations to a favorite charity of the deceased, passing on a family name to a baby or planting a garden in memory. What you choose is up to you, as long as it allows you to honor that unique relationship in a way that feels right to you.

How psychologists can help

Psychologists are trained to help people better handle the fear, guilt or anxiety that can be associated with the death of a loved one. If you need help dealing with your grief or managing a loss, consult with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional. Psychologists can help people build their resilience and develop strategies to get through their sadness. Practicing psychologists use a variety of evidence-based treatments — most commonly psychotherapy — to help people improve their lives. Psychologists, who have doctoral degrees, receive one of the highest levels of education of any health care professional.

This article was adapted from a March 2011 post by Katherine C. Nordal, PhD.

The full text of articles from APA Help Center may be reproduced and distributed for noncommercial purposes with credit given to the American Psychological Association. Any electronic reproductions must link to the original article on the APA Help Center. Any exceptions to this, including excerpting, paraphrasing or reproduction in a commercial work, must be presented in writing to the APA. Images from the APA Help Center may not be reproduced

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How to Cope with the Fear of a Loved One Dying

Tips to keep yourself tethered in the present when anxious about death..

Posted May 12, 2021 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

• What Is Anxiety?
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• People may experience anxiety over a loved one's death, whether that person has a high risk of dying or not.
• If a loved one is at high risk of dying, it's best to allow oneself to feel the fear and grief but get help if those feelings become paralyzing.
• Being worried about a loved one dying when it's unlikely could be a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder.

One memorable patient, whom I saw years ago while training at a cancer center, was a young entrepreneur, wife, and mother to three young kids. She was at the center because her husband had just been diagnosed with brain cancer.

I tried to consider how she must be feeling and couldn’t fathom how she continued to function so well. Don't get me wrong: She did worry about her family's future and her husband’s health. But we worked on finding meaning and balance in a way that honored her very reasonable fears while also allowing her to continue to live her life.

So, what did this brave woman do to put an end to her profound worries? How can we calm our own anxiety that a loved one will someday die? Or how do we cope if we know that day may be approaching sooner rather than later?

The two types of anxiety over a loved one's death

Let’s get concrete about this topic because spinning around in the “what ifs” can paralyze anyone with existential fear . To start, let’s be clear about an important distinction. There are two major types of anxiety about a loved one’s death:

• When a loved one has a severe illness or is at high risk of dying, and you are anxious about their impending death.
• When your loved ones are not particularly at risk for dying, but you can’t stop worrying about them dying anyway.

These two types of anxiety are very different and require different responses.

Scenario 1: Worrying when a loved one is at a higher-than-usual risk of dying

It’s one thing to understand that death is inevitable and that things may be out of your control, but it’s another to be at peace with that knowledge. Don’t expect yourself to be perfectly rational and poised when thinking about death. Allow yourself to feel anxiety and grief .

At the same time, make sure your natural anxiety and grief don’t turn into a state of paralysis or preoccupation. It may be time to take some steps if you find yourself:

• Unable to engage in proper self-care.
• Unable to manage the basics in life.
• So preoccupied with thoughts about your loved one's death that you can’t enjoy your time with them now.

Let's look at two things you can do to help yourself.

Climb down from the what-if tree. Whatever your loved one’s prognosis, the best way to make the most of your time together is to live in the moment. Slow down with the to-do lists, get rid of distractions, and most important, get down from the what-if tree.

The what-if tree has a sturdy trunk with strong roots at the bottom—that’s the present moment. It’s safe there; you feel grounded. As you climb the what-if tree, with each branching what-if scenario the branches get thinner and your footing gets shakier. This place poses more of a risk. At some point, it’s not useful to think that far ahead.

Of course, you may have practical matters at hand. Medical decisions and contingency plans need to be made. But keep these tasks only to the essentials. Set aside specific decision-making time rather than stewing on decisions whenever they enter your consciousness. Consider these decisions as tasks to do rather than a new anxiety-fueled way of living your mental life. Whenever it’s not your specified decision-making time, set those thoughts aside.

Don’t ignore conversations about death. We hate talking about dying. Sometimes, well-meaning family members shut down conversations about their loved one’s death. But denial and dismissal actually prevent your loved one from expressing their very real feelings, which likely makes them feel alone when they need closeness the most. They may be feeling afraid, sad, angry, accepting, or a range of emotions, and they need you to hear and understand this.

A recent study asked palliative care nurses about the most common reflections they hear from the dying. They found that many dying patients want to recount their experiences and express their concerns. When we ignore conversations surrounding death, we prevent our loved ones from expressing their feelings at a profound moment in their life.

Scenario 2: Worrying about someone’s death when they’re unlikely to die

Have you ever worried about someone’s death so intensely that by the time they walked in the door and explained they were late because of car troubles you'd worked yourself into a panic?

It’s not “crazy” to be worried about a perfectly healthy partner or loved one. We may be more prone to this type of worry if we've experienced an unexpected loss in the past or if we're feeling particularly stressed , upset, or vulnerable.

Another common reason for preoccupation with a loved one’s unlikely death is generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). People with this disorder spend a lot of time worrying about bad things happening, to the point where it interferes with their day-to-day functions.

No matter the source of your worry, there are ways to lessen the hold it has on your life.

Understand that worry is your brain’s way of trying to feel safe and in control. Often, people with GAD believe, consciously or not, that worrying helps prevent bad things from happening. When we worry, we feel like we’re doing something proactive, which distracts us from our feelings of panic or helplessness.

But the idea that worry somehow helps or prevents tragedy is an illusion. Worrying can’t change the situation at hand.

We may also worry as a way of purposely keeping ourselves in a negative mental state . That way, if the worst really does happen, we're prepared for it. This is another illusion the brain cooks up for us. If our loved one dies unexpectedly, we'll be no less devastated if we’ve imagined their hypothetical death many times before.

Understand that there is a scientific reason for why your brain comes up with constant worries. You’re getting an illusion of control, which keeps you searching for more. Stay grounded by reminding yourself not to indulge in the act of worrying.

Understand that thoughts are just stories your brain tells you. Now that you know why your brain comes up with persistent worries, you can start to let them go. The key is to realize that thoughts are just stories.

Think to yourself, "I'm a blue giraffe." Now check a mirror. Did thinking "I'm a blue giraffe" make the thought true? Did thinking it somehow make the phrase meaningful or useful? I'm willing to bet you're not gazing at the reflection of a blue giraffe right now.

Now, think of the stories your brain tells you, like, "She's never late, so she must've gotten in an accident." It’s okay if these thoughts pop into your head sometimes—you can’t control that. It’s okay to sit with them to see if they’re meaningful. But consider whether you’re reading too much into them. Ask yourself, “Are these thoughts based on the facts I have right now … or are they just thoughts?”

Be patient and kind to yourself. All the strategies we talked about today are easier said than done. We must show ourselves patience and kindness. Remember that you're experiencing deep, existential anxiety.

One trick for figuring out how to be kind to yourself is to ask what we would do for a child who's worried his sibling is going to die. You wouldn’t tell him to “toughen up” or “just be logical.” You'd give him a hug, tell him you understand how scary his worries must feel, and then help him to understand what’s really happening. That might include reminding him that nightmares, like anxieties, are just stories the brain makes up.

When worries threaten to overwhelm you, treat yourself with the same kind of compassion.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .

Jade Wu, Ph.D., is a clinical health psychologist and host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast. She specializes in helping those with sleep problems and anxiety disorders.

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The Fear of Losing a Loved One

This month's theme here on Anxiety Connection has been about anxieties and fears related to death and dying. Eileen Bailey had offered suggestions for ways to cope with the anxiety caused by grief . And some of you have written questions such as this one, "Can the loss of a loved one create anxiety disorders?" The answer to this question is that grief and anxiety can definitely co-exist at the same time.

I am going to target one specific aspect of such anxiety , and that is the fear that your loved ones will become ill and/or die. I think this is a relatively common fear and one that may appear any time after experiencing grief or a trauma related to loss.

I can personally relate to this fear. Following my father's early death when I was a little girl, I worried incessantly about my mother. She was the only parent I had left, and I remember asking her obsessively if she, too, were going to die. My mother would attempt to reassure me by saying, "I am a tough lady and, no, I am not going to die any time soon." But, while her words gave me a few minutes of solace, the pervasive anxiety I had over losing her would re-emerge with a vengeance and I would be back to ask her the same question. Fortunately she took it in stride and never lost patience or her temper with me.

In the situation where a child loses his or her parent early on, it can have a lifetime effect of anxiety over the possibility of losing anyone else. It also can promote a fear of abandonment. Some children may develop post traumatic stress disorder, where they may replay the memories of the loss in their mind, leading to great distress and anxiety.

One of the current thoughts now is that treating the PTSD is of primary concern over individual grief counseling. I wished that I had received some sort of counseling as a child following my father's death because my anxiety symptoms have continued well into my adulthood.

The way that my anxiety symptoms manifest now is that I worry excessively when anyone in my family is sick. It worries me, especially when my children are sick because I want to protect them from all harm. I don't like feeling powerless when it comes to them.

And then too, I worry when anyone I love is late. As the clock ticks on, I begin to imagine horrific scenes of car accidents or tragedy. When you suffer from such fear, it seems that loss is always right around the corner, ready to take away that which is most precious to you. It can be difficult to feel secure or let your guard down. I can tell you that such anxiety can be very tiresome and energy-sapping. Therapy can absolutely help if you suffer from the fear of loss.

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Here are some things I have learned from my own experience in therapy during my adult years to deal with this type of anxiety:

As much as you would like to be able to control everything, you can't. Letting go of this wish is critical in dealing with your fear. We are vulnerable beings. But this doesn't mean we need to live in fear. It means that we do as the serenity prayer advises: we gain the wisdom to know what we can and cannot control. We have no control over many of life's circumstances, but we always have control over how we cope and persevere.

Realize that death is a part of life. We will lose many loved ones in our lifetime as this is inevitable. But by focusing so much on potential loss, we miss out on life itself. If you are constantly worried or fearful then you will miss those wonderful opportunities to connect with others and to feel joy from those connections.

Trust in your resilience to cope with life's crises. It is true that each one of us will endure life circumstances that may bring us to our knees. But know that it is possible to get up again and also to find the strength and courage to survive.

Some might say that our life is more valuable because we do die. Savor the time you have with your loved ones. Live authentically with the courage to show and express love. Create life-long memories of spending time with those people you care about most.

Write down your fears in a diary or journal. When your fear is kept inside your head it grows to block everything else out. Express yourself in writing and give your emotions a safe outlet. Sometimes seeing your fears by the light of day diminishes their power over you.

If you feel that your fear or anxiety has become disabling in any way, then it is time to seek the help of a good therapist. Find someone who specializes in either PTSD or grief counseling. You don't have to do this alone. There is always support and help available.

It is true that death and dying are an inevitable part of life. We will undoubtedly be faced with multiple losses during our lifetime. But this doesn't mean that we have to surrender the time we have now to fear.

There are ways to cope and diminish the fear and anxiety so that you can focus on the good things in life such as developing meaningful relationships . Nobody has that crystal ball to predict the future. So in the meantime, enjoy and savor all that life does have to offer. Hug your loved ones and friends and be grateful for all that is.

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Fear of Losing Someone You Love: Overcoming Attachment Anxiety

Fear of losing someone you love. It’s a universal emotion, one that strikes at the very core of our being. For me, it’s not just a casual concern, but an all-consuming reality that has the power to shake my world. We’re talking about something deeply personal here, an intense fear that can affect every aspect of your life.

Surely, I’m not alone in this feeling. In fact, it’s pretty common for people to experience this type of anxiety at some point in their lives. Whether it’s a partner, family member or close friend – the thought of them no longer being around is truly gut-wrenching.

However, let’s remember – it’s perfectly normal to have such fears. When we love someone deeply, we naturally don’t want to lose them. But sometimes these fears can become overwhelming and start impacting our everyday lives in significant ways. That’s when we need to address them head-on and learn how to cope better with these unsettling emotions.

The Nature of Fear in Relationships

Fear, it’s a powerful emotion that can make or break relationships. When we love someone deeply, the thought of losing them is enough to send shivers down our spine. We start imagining life without them and it’s not pretty. This fear can lead us to do things we wouldn’t normally do – be overly protective, possessive, even paranoid at times.

In my experience, this type of fear often stems from insecurity and lack of trust. If you’re constantly worrying about your partner leaving you, it might be because you’re insecure about yourself or don’t fully trust them. It’s important to recognize these feelings for what they are – signs that something needs to change.

Now let’s consider some statistics:

According to a survey conducted by Relationship Health Inc., nearly 35% of individuals reported high levels of insecurity in their relationship which directly contributed towards their fear.

But I’ve found that communication works wonders in such situations. Talk about your fears with your partner openly and honestly. You might find that they have similar fears too! Once out in the open, these worries become less daunting and easier to tackle together as a team.

It’s also crucial to remind ourselves that everyone has their own life outside the relationship. It doesn’t mean they love us any less if they want some time alone or with friends and family.

Remember, being scared of losing someone isn’t inherently bad; it shows how much we value them in our lives. But when it starts controlling our actions and emotions excessively, it becomes unhealthy fear.

Understanding the Fear of Losing Someone You Love

Fear, it’s a potent emotion. It can make us do things we’d never imagine and feel things we can’t quite put into words. Specifically, let’s talk about the fear of losing someone you love.

This fear isn’t just a fleeting moment or an occasional worry. It’s a profound dread that grips your soul and plays with your mind, creating scenarios that may never happen. This anxiety could stem from past experiences of loss or even the mere thought of experiencing such pain.

Now, let me be clear: it’s perfectly normal to fear loss. We’re human after all—emotions are part and parcel of our existence. That said, when this fear becomes all-consuming, it may hinder our ability to live fully and enjoy our relationships.

So why does this happen? Well for starters:

• Personal experiences : If you’ve experienced significant loss before (like the death of a loved one), you might be more susceptible to this fear.
• Anxiety disorders : People with diagnosed anxiety issues often struggle with fears like these.
• Empathy : If you are highly empathetic person who deeply feels others’ pain, imagining their loss can trigger immense fear.

But how prevalent is this issue? Unfortunately, there aren’t many studies specifically on the ‘fear of losing someone’, but data on related anxieties give us some insight:

These numbers show that anxieties tied to loss or separation are not uncommon among adults in any given year.

To sum up: Fear is complex; it doesn’t come in neat packages or simple explanations—it’s messy and personal. But understanding where it comes from—the roots—is the first step towards addressing it. And remember, it’s okay to seek help when you’re scared. After all, we’re only human. The next section will delve deeper into how you can manage this fear effectively. Stay with me!

Causes and Triggers for the Fear of Loss

It’s no secret that experiencing fear is a part of human nature. In particular, the fear of losing someone we love can be an overwhelming and often debilitating feeling. This deep-seated anxiety is typically triggered by a variety of factors.

One common trigger is past trauma or loss. I’ve seen many instances where an individual has lost someone important in their life – it could be due to death, divorce, or even friendship fallout. The emotional impact from this experience often leads to a heightened fear of reliving such pain with other loved ones in their lives.

Moreover, witnessing others go through similar situations can also fuel this fear. We’re empathetic creatures by nature, hence seeing our friends or family members suffer from loss can make us anxious about facing the same scenarios ourselves.

Anxiety disorders are another cause contributing to the fear of losing loved ones. People dealing with conditions like Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) have reported increased fears around loss and abandonment. Below you’ll find some statistics related to GAD:

Insecurities within relationships may also lead to such fears. If there’s constant worry about your relationship status with a partner, friend or family member changing unexpectedly, this could potentially heighten your apprehension around loss.

Lastly, it’s worth mentioning that media influence cannot be ignored either – stories and movies frequently portray heart-wrenching tales of loss which may inadvertently stoke our own anxieties over time.

• Past trauma or personal losses
• Witnessing losses in others’ lives
• Anxiety disorders like GAD
• Relationship insecurities
• Media influences

Remember that understanding these causes and triggers is the first step towards managing them effectively!

Coping Mechanisms: How to Deal with Anxiety about Loss

Fear of losing someone dear to you can be a paralyzing experience. It’s like being stuck in a dark tunnel, the walls closing in on you, and there’s no light at the end. But I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way.

Face your fear head-on; it’s often the most effective way to deal with anxiety about loss. Instead of avoiding the thoughts or suppressing the emotions associated with losing a loved one, allow yourself time each day to consciously think about these fears. This process is called exposure therapy and is frequently used in treating various forms of anxiety disorders .

Next, practice mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing exercises or meditation. These practices can help reduce anxious thoughts by focusing your mind on the present moment rather than dwelling on future uncertainties.

Let me share some stats here:

Remember, it’s important not just for coping but also for maintaining overall mental health.

Writing down your feelings might also prove therapeutic. Sometimes our fears are exacerbated because we struggle articulating them internally . By putting those thoughts into words and seeing them on paper, you’re allowing yourself an outlet for those pent-up anxieties.

Lastly but importantly, consider seeking professional help if your fear becomes debilitating or starts interfering with your daily life activities. Therapists and counselors are trained professionals who can provide strategies tailored specifically for managing your unique anxieties.

• Be open with your emotions
• Use exposure therapy
• Practice mindfulness techniques
• Write down how you feel
• Seek professional assistance if needed

Remember – it’s okay not always to be okay! The key lies in acknowledging our fears and finding ways through which we can navigate these tough moments.

Professional Help: Seeking Therapy for Your Fears

It’s not unusual to fear losing someone you love deeply. The thought can consume your waking hours and invade your dreams, leaving you feeling helpless and overwhelmed. But, the good news is, professional help is available. Therapists, psychologists, and counselors trained in dealing with issues of attachment and loss can provide the tools necessary to navigate these fears.

Many folks hesitate at the idea of seeking therapy. There’s a stigma attached – that it’s only for people who’ve ‘lost it’ or can’t handle their problems. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Therapy isn’t about being weak or unable; it’s about learning new strategies to cope with life’s curveballs.

• In 2019 alone, nearly 40 million adults in America sought therapy according to Statista.
• A survey by Psychology Today reveals an increase of over 500% in online therapy sessions since the onset of COVID-19 pandemic.

The sheer numbers underline how common it is to seek help when needed.

Therapy offers numerous benefits besides just providing an outlet for your fears. It helps unravel the reasons behind your fear – why does this fear exist? What triggers make it worse? Therapists guide you through understanding these patterns which lead to more effective coping mechanisms.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), for instance, focuses on identifying negative thought patterns and teaching skills to combat them effectively. So instead of being consumed by dread every time a loved one steps out the door, CBT might equip you with calming exercises or rational responses.

In essence, therapy doesn’t aim at eradicating your fear entirely – after all, some measure of fear shows how much we value our relationships! The goal is managing those fears so that they don’t overrun your life. So, if you’re wrestling with the fear of losing a loved one, consider reaching out to a professional. It’s not about being weak; it’s about empowering yourself and reclaiming control over your fears.

Mental Health and The Fear of Losing Loved Ones

I’ve found that fear of losing loved ones can significantly impact our mental health. It’s a natural emotion, but when it becomes overwhelming or obsessive, it can lead to anxiety disorders such as separation anxiety or complicated grief. We’ll explore these conditions further in the next few paragraphs.

Let’s start with separation anxiety. Typically associated with children, adults can also experience this condition. When someone you love isn’t around, you might feel intense fear or distress – that’s separation anxiety for you. According to the American Psychiatric Association, approximately 7% of adults deal with this disorder at some point in their lives.

But what happens when we lose someone we love? Grief is a normal response, but sometimes it doesn’t lessen over time – this is referred to as complicated grief or persistent complex bereavement disorder (PCBD). Around 10-20% of bereaved individuals endure PCBD according to research published by Harvard Medical School.

Now let’s discuss how we can manage these fears and maintain good mental health:

• Therapy: Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) has proven effective in treating both separation anxiety and complicated grief.
• Mindfulness: Grounding techniques like deep breathing exercises can help manage momentary panic.
• Support Groups: Connecting with others who are going through similar experiences provides comfort and practical advice.

Remember, if you’re struggling with these issues, there’s no shame in seeking help. Mental health professionals are equipped to guide us through these difficult emotions and fears. After all, fearing loss just shows how deeply we care for our loved ones – it’s a testament to the strength of our bonds.

Personal Stories: Experiences with the Fear of Loss

Let’s dive into some real-life narratives that reflect this intense fear of losing someone dear. You’ll find that it’s a universal emotion, cutting across cultures and geographies.

My first encounter with this dread unfolded in my teenage years. My mother, the pillar of our home, was diagnosed with a serious illness. I’d always considered her invincible, but suddenly there she was – vulnerable and frail. It wasn’t just about possibly losing her; it was the prospect of seeing her strength wane that terrified me more.

Another incident took place during my college years when my best friend decided to move abroad for further studies. We’d been inseparable since kindergarten, sharing secrets and dreams. The thought of not having him around sent chills down my spine. It felt like a part of me would be missing forever.

Fast forward to adulthood where I met love in its most profound form – through my partner. Our bond grew stronger each day until life threw us a curveball we weren’t prepared for – an opportunity overseas for them which meant long-distance for us. The mere idea brought sleepless nights filled with anxiety and worry – what if distance did make hearts grow fonder…for someone else?

Finally, let’s talk about parenthood – a joy like no other yet fraught with constant fears about your child’s safety and well-being. From worrying about their first solo walk to school to fretting over their late-night partying as teens – the fear never really subsides; it only morphs into different forms as they grow older.

In each story you’ll notice similar elements – deep affection intertwined with an agonizing fear of loss or separation; an emotional cocktail that shakes us up inside out but also helps us appreciate our relationships even more.

Conclusion: Overcoming the Fear of Losing Someone You Love

It’s natural to fear losing someone you love. We’re all human, and that worry comes with the territory of caring deeply about another person. But it shouldn’t consume us nor dictate how we live our lives.

First off, remember that anxiety and fear are part of life. There’s no way around them, but there are ways to manage them effectively. Implementing a daily mindfulness practice can help regulate these emotions. Techniques like meditation or yoga have proven beneficial in reducing stress and fostering a sense of peace.

Secondly, open communication is key in any relationship. Discuss your fears with your loved ones rather than keeping them bottled up inside. It’s likely they share similar concerns and having an open dialogue can bring you closer together.

Lastly, focusing on the present moment is crucial. The future is uncertain, but worrying about it won’t change anything aside from adding unnecessary stress to your life.

Consider this:

• Engage in activities you enjoy with those you love.
• Express gratitude for the time spent together.
• Learn to trust more in your relationships.

In essence, overcoming the fear of losing someone isn’t about ignoring or suppressing your feelings—it’s about acknowledging them and learning how to cope constructively so they don’t take over your life.

Remember—fear stems from uncertainty; it’s not indicative of what will happen in reality. So next time fear creeps its head into your thoughts, remind yourself that worrying today won’t change tomorrow’s outcome—it’ll only steal today’s joy.

And yes—you’re stronger than you think! You’ve faced challenges before and come out on top—and when it comes down to it—I’m confident that if necessity dictated—you’d be able to do so again.

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Narrative Essay on Losing a Loved One

Narrative essay generator.

Losing a loved one is a profound experience that reshapes our lives in ways we never imagined. It’s a journey through grief that challenges our resilience, alters our perspectives, and ultimately teaches us about the depth of love and the impermanence of life. This narrative essay explores the emotional odyssey of losing a loved one, weaving through the stages of grief, the search for meaning, and the slow, often painful, journey towards healing.

The Unthinkable Reality

It was an ordinary Tuesday morning when the phone rang, shattering the normalcy of my life. The voice on the other end was calm yet distant, bearing the kind of news that instantly makes your heart sink. My beloved grandmother, who had been battling a long illness, had passed away in her sleep. Despite the inevitability of this moment, I was not prepared for the crushing weight of the reality that I would never see her again. The initial shock was numbing, a protective cloak that shielded me from the full impact of my loss.

The Onslaught of Grief

In the days that followed, grief washed over me in waves. At times, it was a quiet sadness that lingered in the background of my daily activities. At others, it was a torrential downpour of emotions, leaving me gasping for air. I struggled with the finality of death, replaying our last conversations, wishing for one more moment to express my love and gratitude. Anger, confusion, and disbelief intermingled, forming a tumultuous storm of feelings I could neither control nor understand.

The rituals of mourning—funeral arrangements, sympathy cards, and memorial services—offered a semblance of structure amidst the chaos. Yet, they also served as stark reminders of the gaping void left by my grandmother’s absence. Stories and memories shared by friends and family painted a rich tapestry of her life, highlighting the profound impact she had on those around her. Through tear-stained eyes, I began to see the extent of my loss, not just as a personal tragedy but as a collective one.

The Search for Meaning

As the initial shock subsided, my grief evolved into a quest for meaning. I sought solace in religion, philosophy, and the arts, searching for answers to the unanswerable questions of life and death. I learned that grief is a universal experience, a fundamental part of the human condition that transcends cultures, religions, and time periods. This realization brought a sense of connection to those who had walked this path before me, offering a glimmer of comfort in my darkest moments.

I also found meaning in honoring my grandmother’s legacy. She was a woman of incredible strength, kindness, and wisdom, who had touched the lives of many. By embodying her values and continuing her work, I could keep her spirit alive. Volunteering, pursuing passions that we shared, and passing on her stories to younger generations became ways to heal and to make sense of a world without her.

The Journey Towards Healing

Healing from the loss of a loved one is neither linear nor predictable. There were days when I felt overwhelmed by sadness, and others when I could smile at fond memories. I learned to accept that grief is not something to be “overcome” but rather integrated into my life. It has become a part of who I am, shaping my understanding of love, loss, and the preciousness of life.

Support from friends, family, and sometimes strangers, who shared their own stories of loss, played a crucial role in my healing process. Their empathy and understanding provided a safe space to express my feelings, to cry, to laugh, and to remember. Counseling and support groups offered additional perspectives and coping strategies, highlighting the importance of seeking help and connection in times of sorrow.

Reflections on Love and Loss

Through this journey, I have come to understand that the pain of loss is a testament to the depth of our love. Grieving deeply means we have loved deeply, and this is both the curse and the beauty of human connections. The scars of loss never truly fade, but they become bearable, interwoven with the love and memories we hold dear.

Losing a loved one is a transformative experience that teaches us about resilience, compassion, and the enduring power of love. It reminds us to cherish the time we have with those we love, to express our feelings openly, and to live fully in the present moment. While the absence of a loved one leaves an irreplaceable void, their influence continues to shape our lives in profound ways.

In closing, the journey through grief is uniquely personal, yet universally shared. It challenges us to find strength we didn’t know we had, to seek connection in our shared humanity, and to discover meaning in the face of loss. Though we may never “get over” the loss of a loved one, we learn to carry their legacy forward, finding solace in the love that never dies but transforms over time.

Text prompt

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Compose a narrative essay about a student's first day at a new school

Develop a narrative essay on a memorable school field trip.

Fear of Losing Loved Ones – Can’t Stop Worrying?

By: Shareheads

by Andrea M. Darcy

Is a fear of losing loved ones always on your mind? Are you worried about losing a parent , or a a partner dying?

Is a fear of losing loved ones normal?

Yes, it’s normal to not want the people we love to die. We enjoy their company, and know life would be very different without them. 

We also don’t talk enough about death in modern culture. So there can be a certain amount of fear simply because we don’t fully know what we would be dealing with.

Freud coined a fear of death and dying ‘ thanatophobia ‘, and felt we all suffer from it because we refuse to accept our mortality. Modern psychologists call this common fear plain old ‘death anxiety’. 

A healthy or unhealthy fear?

A normal fear of loss involves worry and sadness when we think about our loved ones moving on, followed by an understanding it’s an unavoidable fact of life. It can mean a moment spent considering our own mortality. But in general, we realise we would cope.

An unhealthy fear of losing loved ones is more like a rising anxiety, and comes with extreme thinking . We feel our life would be over without the other person.

The more we think about losing the loved person in question, the worse we feel. Anxiety symptoms kick in, which can include: 

• increasingly illogical thoughts
• a growing and pervasive feeling of fear
• physical symptoms like sweatiness, beating heart, stomach upset, muscle tension
• changes to sleep and eating patterns
• possible panic attacks .

What is the fear beneath the fear?

By: Blue Diamond Photography

Loss of a loved one an easy thing to place all our worries on because it is an acceptable anxiety. 

So sometimes we use a fear of losing loved ones to hide other fears we are more ashamed of , like fear of:

• being alone
• having to do everything by yourself
• not knowing how to cope
• having no identity of your own.

Why is it so important to admit to these ‘fears beneath the fear’? They are actually easier to deal with. 

We can’t stop other people around us from one day dying. But we can find support to learn new ways of being, and take steps forward so that we no longer feel overwhelmed at the idea of being responsible for navigating our own life. 

Fear of losing loved ones and codependency

• Are you a teenager who is afraid of your mother dying ?
• Or who is too paranoid to move out or go to university in case your single parent ‘dies’ without you?
• In a romantic relationship and experiencing panic attacks at the thought of your partner not being around?

Fear of losing loved ones can hide a problem with codependency. Codependency involves taking your sense of self and worth from another person, instead of developing it within.

If you are in a codependent relationship you will feel it is your responsibility to   constantly make the other person happy, and that you don’t know who you are without them.

Despite telling yourself that you just ‘really love’ the other person, codependency is not a healthy way of relating . It leaves you unable to see all your inner resources and personal power.

Allowing yourself to move out and become independent can make a real difference. But codependency can also be a very powerful pattern, and you might need to reach out for some professional support to understand your feelings and learn to raise your self-esteem .

How can I stop worrying about losing a loved one?

By: Travis Wise

Trying to totally stop anxiety or worries tends to backfire, and we end up thinking about the topic more than ever.

So the first step can be acceptance . Accept that you are experiencing anxiety around losing a loved one. Then try the following:

1. Make a list of all your concerns.

Anxiety is powerful because it feels out of control, sending our thoughts on endless spirals . But if we take the time to sit and write out on paper what is behind the anxiety? Our life can be less out of control than we think.

What are the very worse things that would happen if you lost your loved one? That you wouldn’t have a place to live, or anyone to talk to? What are possible solutions to each problem?

2. Identify what you’ve already lost.

You might be more resilient than you realise. Loss is a part of life and you’ve likely already successfully navigated some, and come through the other side.

Write out things you really valued that you lost, whether that was a childhood friend moving away, or having to graduate from a school you liked being at. See if you can remember what you did to navigate that loss and bounce back. 

3. Practise mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a technique to help you stay in the present moment , instead of being lost to worries about a future you can control and a past you can’t change. We can become more grateful for what is right in front of us. 

Read our easy how-to ‘ Guide to Mindfulness ‘ and start practising as soon as today. 

4. Learn about death and dying.

Major cities now have what are known as ‘ death cafes ’. These are gatherings for people to come and discuss their fears of death and dying with a ‘death doula’, someone who understands the process. Even simple things like learning how a funeral is arranged and how the grieving process works can demystify the process we all at some point face.

Visit a ‘death cafe’, read about other people’s experiences, or ask people you know who have gone through a bereavement to share their story. 

5. Talk about your fear with supportive others.

You might want to share you anxiety with your loved one themselves. If this seems a bad idea, try a trusted friend or family member.

Feel nobody would understand your anxiety about losing a loved one? Then speak to a counsellor. Your school might have free or low cost counselling if you are a student, or your workplace might provide several free sessions. If you are over 18,   you can book counselling privately, with therapists now available for every budget .

Need proper help with your out-of-control fear of losing a loved one? We connect you with London’s top talk therapists. Or use our booking site to find UK-wide registered therapists and online counsellors you can talk to from anywhere. 

I am an average teenager. I think I may have anxiety and depression but I can’t tell my parents because well… they’re African and don’t believe in such a condition. Just yesterday, I found out that one of my seniors had died in a car accident. I tried to accept it. I spoke to my friends and they said wise words to me and I tried to remind myself that death is inevitable but I just don’t know …my heart won’t take it. I tried to sleep yesterday but I kept feeling this numbness and coldness in my feet, my heart was beating really fast and I just couldn’t sleep. The same thing happened when Juice Wrld had died. I didn’t know him or anything. I wasn’t really a fan but it still hit me hard… This senior as well was not really my friend. I didn’t know her so well but the pain is still there…she was just 16… I think I need help but I can’t tell my parents as I said earlier. Everytime I talk about problems like this they either tell me to sleep or drink water… I don’t have any money either.. But please help me. I have an exam coming up and I just don’t want these feelings to get in the way of my studies. Please help.

This sort of anxiety about death and dying is really quite common in teenagers. First of all, your brain is growing and flooded with hormones, meaning many teenagers have mood issues. Then it’s the time of life when you are starting to think about a future where you have to be in control of your own destiny and away from your parents and finding your identity. And death can become an interest or obsession because there is a sense of going out into the world, of not being able to always rely on everything and everyone to be there or stay the same. As the article suggests, it can be helpful to do research about death. Approach it like any other research, as if you were writing an essay. If you have a friend who is interested, or who is also upset about the student who passed away, see if talking about death and dying helps. If your school is offering any sort of grief support, do take them up on the offer.In summary, you are a sensitive person who cares about others. It’s normal to be upset if someone you respected dies. The thing is to just feel the emotions instead of resisting and judging yourself. As then you just end up with anxiety about anxiety itself. Best, HT

I’m an 15 year old boy. And i’m scared of loosing my family cuz they’ve always been there when i’ve been sad. especially my grandpa, he has always been my best friend and i can’t think of an life without him or any other in my family. HOW can i stop thinking about loosing them.

I am 24.I think was a bit immature to take decisions about my career in my school and college life. I had family issues too. I lost my dad when I was one. And I lost 2-3 people who I loved the most, because they used to care about me. Now, I feel like, no one can understand me and nobody listens to me whenever I try to talk about my fears. I can’t sleep at night even if I’m tired. I don’t understand what I’m gonna do in my life. Everytime when I feel negative, I meditate, even I do workout, but I can’t focus on my career. I’m feeling so worried and tensed. Please help. Thank you.

Hi Vinne, it’s actually really normal to start worrying about losing loved ones as a teenager. It’s the point in life where you realise that soon you have to be an adult, taking care of yourself, and you start to realise life can be challenging and not everything lasts forever. So first of all, it’s okay to have these worries. Then focus on enjoying time with your family when you are with them then developing your resources as a person, learning how to take care of yourself and becoming independent. Otherwise you might find learning mindfulness helps http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout as well as gratitude practice, training your mind to not obsess on just the bad but also recognise what is going right in life http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise . Best, HT

Hi Nidhi, we do feel the way that young people are forced to make huge decisions about their future is quite backwards. When we are 18-20 we really don’t know ourselves well at all. But because of that, to be totally unsure about your career and future at aged 24 is actually normal. You’d be amazed how many people feel this way. And you might be trapped in black and white thinking. This is where everything is an either/or. Life actually isn’t that. You are always free to change your mind and find other options. Many people these days change career several times, it’s normal. But this aside, it sounds like have generalised anxiety. Which means that logic won’t help as your mind is stuck in loops of cognitive distortions. We’d highly recommend CBT therapy, a short form of therapy that doesn’t delve heavily into the past but helps you get control of your thoughts so they stop you constantly spiralling into low moods. Best, HT.

I just wanted to say thank you. This article, as well as a couple others, has been very eye-opening for me. ‘The fear beneath the fear’… I would never have realized that on my own. However, I can now take the steps needed.

Thanks again. You’ve made a huge difference in my life!

Wonderful to hear. It makes it all worthwhile to know that it helps others. Andrea (the editor and lead writer who wrote this piece).

I started feeling anxious in my mid twenties. It has now developed into a debilitating struggle. My mother has never been a healthy woman and I agonize almost every free moment I have to myself. I have to keep busy or I can’t take it. I get extreme overwhelming nostalgia to the point I literally cannot tear myself away from myself, if that makes sense. My wife knows a little of what I go through depression wise but I can never put into words how I am feeling. I have seen a couple different therapists who tell death is a natural thing. Yeah I know. Everybody dies. It’s the overwhelming disassociation i get when I think about it. I can’t stop. I’m scared

Hi Michael. Is that all the therapists said? We are curious. As we’d imagine a good therapist would instead focus on the fear, where it comes from, and on helping you go into the fear and explore it instead of away from it. You say you have seen ‘a couple different therapists’. That is of interest to us. How long did you stay with each one? Is there any chance your anxiety is sabotaging any deep work and having you jump about from therapist to therapist (which tends to not produce results). As we sense an intimacy issue. You don’t, for example, even feel understood or able to fully communicate with your own wife. This sort of issue leads to not giving any therapist a proper chance. On the other hand they might have been the wrong therapist. We don’t, in any case, think this is about death. It’s just that you have strong anxiety and it is fixating on death. It is more likely this your anxiety stems from elsewhere, a guess could be the relationship and attachment with your mother and then difficult childhood experiences. In any case. It might be worth it to look into CBT therapy, which doesn’t look at your past at all but is a short term therapy to help stablise your thinking and is proven to lower anxiety. As deep diving therapy is going to be less effective until your anxiety is calmed a bit. If there were any childhood traumas, look into EMDR. Hypnotherapy might be helpful, and consider starting a mindfulness practice which needs commitment but is easy to learn, free, and over time is very powerful for anxiety and stress http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout . Finally, use the search bar to find our articles about fear of death, we think you’ll find them helpful. Best, HT.

Your fear of a loved one dying article is interesting to me because I have felt this, but not for people. I have lost several very special, very loved pets, both dogs and cats, recently. I now have an 18 year old cat. I keep crying about the fact that she is going to die sometimes soon. She the oldest furbaby I’ve ever been fortunate to have, and the thought of her upcoming demise is very saddening. I also saw in a pet loss page that others feel this way too. Any suggestions you may have would be very welcome to those of us who consider furbabies to be more family than pets.

i’m a fifteen year old teenager and one of my best friends died two years ago from suicide. it was very hard for me to deal with it and it took me two years, but i still feel the pain. now whenever my friends tell me they’re sad or/and depressed, i can’t help myself, but think that they might take their lives too. i try to think that they won’t do it, since they told me they won’t, but my mind won’t stop questioning if they will or not. i tried to talk with my friends and mother, and they did help, but at the end of the day the feeling and anxiety about it never leaves. this feeling is ruining me inside and i feel so scared

Tia, definitely does sound like you’ve developed anxiety. The mind can get stuck in negative thinking loops and it can then affect our moods and our ability to cope on a day-to-day basis. Is there any one you could talk to who is outside of the situation? Does your school provide counselling? Would your mother be willing to help you see a counsellor? It might be helpful to find one who deals with grief. Otherwise there is a short-term type of therapy called CBT that focuses just on helping you stop your thoughts from being negative and getting out of control. It’s proven to help with anxiety. If you are in the UK, you can talk to your GP and they can also refer you for free support (although there can be really long wait lists). Best, HT.

Helen, pets are sentient creatures, who give and receive so much love. Many of us experience very real grief when we lose a beloved pet. Sounds like you are pre-grieving, which happens, much as when a loved human is sick and we know their death is ahead. We’d say take the article and use it’s tips, as all the tips mostly apply to knowing you are going to lose a pet too! Best, HT.

I have a fear of my partner will die from either long illness sudden death or just going out to work and never come back again through an accident,its getting worse that I see his death in my head that I think I would take my own life if he did die, I know that sounds selfish but I just cannot take it anymore ……

Hi Lindsey, sounds like you have anxiety. Anxiety can fixate on one thing, like the person we love most dying. This sort of anxiety can also be related to anxious attachment, a way of relating we learn as a child and then bring to our adult relationships. Would you consider going to talk to a counsellor about this? It would be a good idea. You can even talk to your GP who can recommend you for some NHS funded therapy, although the waiting lists can be very long in certain areas. Best, HT.

I’m 17 years old girl. I’m fear of losing my mother because she is my life. I can’t imagine a life without her. I love her so much but my fear of losing her keeps me sad and I can’t help overthinking about it and it keeps me sad. Please help.

Syeda it’s actually quite normal to have fear of losing your parents as a teenager. It is a time in life when you are realising that soon you will have to be independent and an adult and move out and create your own life, and decide who you are. Sometimes fear of losing parents is also fear of having to be an adult like them and not a child anymore. And when we realise that we have to become our own person soon, we feel vulnerable, and then realise that nothing is forever, not childhood, or not our parents. So there can be a mourning process. It can be helpful to take time each day to remember what is going right in the present, here and now. Things like daily gratitude can really help http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise . As can learning mindfulness http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout . And also learn about balanced thinking https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/balanced-thinking-benefits.htm . If your thoughts get really erratic to the point it’s affecting your everyday life, it might be that you have anxiety, and it’s a good idea to talk to a counsellor. Best, HT.

I am a 65 year old woman with no one. I have 2 sons in their 20’s. They are the loves of my life– but they have their own lives. My sister means more to me than anyone ever has except for my 2 sons. I feel she is the only person I have ever been close to that truly cares about me and my life. When she dies, I can’t imagine living without her love anymore. I dont know how people go on living without at least 1 person that cares about them. I don’t think I can do it. I need someone who believes in me and cares. I won’t have that. I dont know if I want to be a person that can go it alone with no one who cares about me and by my side each day.

Hi Mary, we have many clients with no family at all, totally alone, and they do struggle, particularly if they never developed intimacy bonds before as they were not taught how to. Sounds like at this point you do actually have people in your life you are bonded with, but your worries and anxiety about the future are blocking your ability to enjoy what you have. Our question for you is, do YOU believe in yourself? Do YOU care about yourself? If not, where does this disconnection come from? Are you able to make new friends? If not, what stops you? And would you be willing to, even now, gather up your courage and develop a relationship with yourself? Which, in our opinion, is the most important of all, and it’s never to late to work on? It’s only once we truly feel happy with our own company that we can feel safe in the world and feel safe connecting with all those around us, including new friends. We would advise some sort of counselling to deal with this level of worry and disconnection from self. We also have clients who married again in their seventies, or developed new interests or social lives and surprised themselves. Until then, you might want to learn mindfulness https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm which helps you to stay in the present. Best, HT.

Hi, I lost my dad to suicide when I was 11. I’m now 21 and am always anxious about my mum dying (and other family members – e.g aunties). I’ve always worried about this for a long time but it seems to be getting worse to the point where I am thinking about it too much (and about how I couldn’t cope without her). I’m an only child which I think makes this fear worse. I don’t know how to stop this irrational thinking.

Hi there. Have you ever talked to someone about all of this? A professional? That’s a lot to go through so not surprising you’d have anxiety. You see it’s actually normal when transitioning into adult independence to have anxiety about parents dying. We see this in a lot of young adults. Being a teenager is the time we explore who we are outside of those around us, which means we also have to face up to the fact we are separate, and that those around us are not forever. And striking out on our own and being independent also makes us realise and that we can’t rely on anyone to always be there and have to learn how to depend on ourselves. This normal processing might be far more difficult for you simply due to such a sudden loss. So we would say worth talking to someone. As for ‘stopping it’, resistance often makes things worse. What about just accepting it? Right now, at this time in your life, things seem scary. And that’s okay. Right now, you have thoughts that are irrational. And that’s ok, too. They are thoughts, not who you are. Right now you worry you can’t cope without someone else. But in fact you have already proven that you can cope and continue without others. Focus on each day, and on not panicking in the face of thoughts, and reach out for support. Best, HT.

Hi, thanks for this grate reading u provided. It was really helpful and i felt calm and understood durig reading it.

I am just turned 20 today and I realize that I really have this fear of loss in the relationships. The fear is unfortunately huge. I always picture my girlfriend making out with another guy (a similiar situation happend one time and i really felt hurt. Maybe I developed a destructive defence mechanism). Eventhough she loves me and I am aware of that (most of the time), I still feared of loosing her, sometimes in a really harmfull way.

What can I do? Thanks for your help. It will be very helpful. Very! (I kinda wanna accept the fact that it could happen and also accept the thing with the last time…That is kinda my goal)

Hi Kasra, it’s a good goal, acceptance. The problem with acceptance is that it’s far easier said than done. Sometimes what we need to accept instead is our discomfort. What if it’s okay to be afraid of losing someone? If it’s okay to have negative thoughts about what might happen? Can you accept that you have these thoughts, then continue on, regardless? And recognise that you are not your thoughts? That thoughts are just thoughts? Also note that 20 is a common age to have this sort of fear, it’s the age you are moving towards independence from your family. And the more you must rely on yourself, the more you must realise that nothing is forever. As for this other situation, yes, it might be colouring this new relationship. But we’d imagine it goes far deeper than that. What did you learn about love and relationships growing up for example? And how is your self esteem? As for self-help tools, we’d really recommend mindfulness. We have a free guide to it here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm Best, HT

Even though life is completely find right now, I really can’t stop randomly thinking of loved ones dying and then randomly getting anxiety from it, help.. I hate this feeling so much the more I think about it, the more I want to cry, I don’t want to cry..

Hi Charlotte, it’s a strange time in the world, a lot of people are feeling anxious and having negative thoughts. Try to go easy on yourself. It’s also fine to cry now and then, it can be cathartic and useful. Best, HT.

I’m really scared of losing my mom. I’m 15 years old. I really fear it deeply, like I’ll be in bed sobbing at 12 in the morning thinking about how life will be without her and I get physical chest pains from the hurt I just won’t be able to live without her I’m scared everytime she goes out or she is feeling sick and I always want to be with her or along side her I’m very attached to her and it physically hurts me to think of her dying and I think of her dying often and I don’t know what to do because I know if I lose her, I will lose myself It makes my chest, head and heart to think of it I really feel lost I don’t know anymore I want to die before she dies and leaves me I cant live without her What’s wrong with me?

Hi there. We can’t make a diagnosis based on a comment, we don’t know you or the entire situation. It’s normal for teens to worry about their parents dying as they are now expected to become independent and this can cause anxiety. But it sounds like you are dependent on your Mother and having severe anxiety. Do you have friends and a social life? Or your own interests? What sort of relationship have you had growing up with your Mother? Did she depend on you? Or stop you from having your own life? Does she control your life? These are things you would look at with a counsellor or therapist. Is there someone you can talk to about this? Would you be able to seek support?

thank you so much! i’ve stopped worrying about losing loved ones, thanks to your advices! i’ve also tried meditating works well too!

Glad to be of help!

Please help me, i just kept thinking about my family member’s death especially my mom. I am scared of going anywhere without her, and I don’t want them to know about it. I usually cry at night whenever i think of it, it started when i was about 4th grade. Just like the latest comment here, that’s exactly how i feel. I’m also 15 years old, is it normal? I’m currently panicking rn lol

Hi Jlna, we don’t like the word ‘normal’. There isn’t really any ‘normal’. Everyone has their own issues, obvious or not. We are all just people doing our best. We can’t really say as we would need to know you and your history, but it sounds like you have anxiety. Anxiety causes our brain to fixate on one thing, and for you it’s people you love dying. As you love your mother most, it’s her you focus on the most. And we’d imagine there might also be some family issues, given that you don’t even feel you can talk to your family openly about this. It’s a good idea to seek some support about this. Is there a counsellor at school you could talk to? Or could you suggest to your mother you are feeling anxious and would like to talk to someone, without having to explain all to her? And she might help you find a counsellor? We have an article here about how to talk to your parents about mental health http://bit.ly/talktoparents . Best, HT.

hi,i have a fear about losing my family.It started when last month,one of my best friend lost her father at night because of heart attack.And since then i cant sleep well at night,i always worried about my family and in the morning when i wake up ,i call them if they re healthy.I always have these thoughts when somebody died around me.But generally it was take 2-3 days,but now its been 1 month and it still continue.Maybe the reason of that is my friends parents generally died because of heart attack.And im a doctor and working on epidemic hospital right now and see covid cases makes me worse at all.Because my mother was a breast cancer and my father has a COPD,so i worried because of that and it makes me OCD,i sanitized everything 3 times,not literally going outside except grocery shopping,to protect them to get infected.And these thoughts really make me so exhausted.I cant get rid of these ideas and i dont know what to do if this happens.I fear of that i miss them so much,not anything else just missing them i cant get over it,even if i think that i start crying and i really dont know how to handle this…

Darcy, it really sounds like anxiety disorder. We can’t be sure, we obviously can’t diagnose based on a comment, but as a doctor, we are sure you’d tell someone with physical symptoms to get support. We’d highly advise given these mental symptoms to get support. Anxiety picks one thing to overfocus on obsessively, and your mind has settled on the death of your friend’s father. Plus it’s hardly surprising you have developed anxiety, being a doctor during Covid is incredibly stressful and there has been such a rise in anxiety and depression amongst healthcare workers that some places were offering free therapy in the UK to healthcare workers earlier in the year. In fact the thing that is most stressing you out could be work, anxiety tends to find something outside of the main issue to obsess on. Does your workplace provide any mental health support? If they do, take it. Otherwise, is there another way you can access support? Online therapy is very good for anxiety and doesn’t involve leaving home or endangering your parents health. Don’t at all feel like you are ‘weak’ to be having this crisis, quite honestly it would be far more worrisome, as a doctor dealing with the pandemic, if you didn’t have mental health symptoms. It’s actually. a healthy response to a very unhealthy and unheard of situation, your mind’s way of letting you know its stress limits. Again, do reach out for some support. Self help methods to look into include mindfulness (there are some easy to follow apps which can help) and breathing exercises for stress, lots of videos on Youtube. Be gentle on yourself, you are navigating a lot. But don’t trick yourself into thinking that self help is enough, seek support. We know as a caregiver the last person we can give care to can be ourselves. Try not to fall into that trap. We help others best if we help ourselves first. Best, HT.

Hi, my name is Emma I have a really ad fear of loosing My mom, I’m 13 Eveytime she leave the house I get really bad panick attacks I always need to be with her when shes in public, i feel like she’s just gonna leave and get in an accident and not come back ever. Or I feel like she’s gonna get shot or something. I can’t talk to my friends abt it bc they wont take it seriously, and my mom just says she’s gonna be fine, but she doesn’t know that.

Hi Emma, as we enter the phase we realise we are going to one day have to be in charge of our lives and be independent, we can start to panic about the people we have always relied on. A lot of teenagers go through a phase of realising their parents will one day die and then being really scared. But if you have anxiety, your anxiety can focus on this fear and make it so big it starts to make daily coping hard. We think it would be great if you had someone to talk to about this, outside of the situation. Is there a counsellor at school you would be comfortable talking to? If not, would you be comfortable telling your parents you feel anxious and would like to talk to someone, a counsellor or therapist? We have an article about how to bring up mental health with your parents here http://bit.ly/talktoparents . IF you are in the UK, you can also speak to your GP who can then refer you to someone. There are also free helplines for teens, you can find the UK ones here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines . If you aren’t in the UK, google for one near you. Best, HT.

Hi. I have a fear of losing my loved ones, specifically my parents. I just don’t know what to do when I lose them. It just makes my day really sad thinking about that. It started roughly 3 months ago because of a youtuber that died. It made it worse when our favorite youtuber died because we watch his videos everyday. I really don’t know if we will meet in the after life or the after life would be a very dark and gloomy place. It really bothers me whenever I go to sleep. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. It makes me tear up when I think about this. I already lost several relatives and friends and that makes my heart ‘crippled’. I just don’t wanna lose my family because they play a big role in my life. Even though when I grow up, having my own family, I will sincerely miss them as they are the ones who shaped my mind, made me stronger and intelligent, more disciplined, and they taught me everything that I can apply using it in the future. As the youngest in the family, it makes me feel really sad because I’ll be the only one left if their time comes. As a Christian, I really hope that the heaven is real so that we can meet and have a wonderful and more happy life up above there but what would happen if the Bible said that there will be an everlasting life in heaven? What will happen with the gift of eternal life? I really hope that I can accept these because I can’t have a regular sleeping time, it makes me scared when I can’t see them; like if they go out, travel places, or they’re just in their room, and it really makes my emotions mixed up when they are not feeling well especially in this time of pandemic. I think, in the future, when I do really have a family, I would understand these situations and also to accept that life is just temporary. I hope this comment would raise your attention. I’m still 12 years old going 13 on the 27th and I’m a grade 7 student. To the people out there, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and have a good day ahead! 😉

Hi Benjamin. As you’ll see in some of our other responses, it’s actually normal to start worrying about your loved ones dying when you are a teenager. It’s the part of life you start to realise you will soon be independent, and that you are mortal, and that one day you will lose everyone. It’s a lot to digest and takes time but is a normal part of our social development. Have you talked to your family about these worries? Or do you have a trusted person you can discuss death and dying with? They are useful topics to learn about and discuss as they are an inevitable part of life. If you find that your worry gets bigger and bigger, and that you have other symptoms that match those of anxiety, it might be worth talking to a counsellor. Best, HT.

Hi.. I am a 50yr old woman, soon to be 51. Latley i think about my mom, Thank god i still have both my parents,, My mom is 84 and he health is going down hill, and its been really bothering me, I dont know why i seem to bottle up, when im talking to my dad, I know its coming soon, But im so scared how im going to deal with this. I just cant deal with the fact that she will be gone one day.. Its gonna hit me hard.. Please help me to understand this…..

Hi Pamela, unfortunately we can’t help you understand it based on a comment, as you, like all of us, are a complex person made up of a lifetime of experiences. As the article discusses, there can be so many reasons why we are anxious about a certain person dying, from fear of our own mortality, to a certain kind of relationship with that person. But given that it is causing you such anxiety, why not find someone who can help you understand it? A talk therapist could create a safe, non judgemental space for you to look at this issue and perhaps the other issues that arise connected to it. So if you could gather up your courage and find someone to talk to, we’d advise it. If you are on a tight budget, here in the UK you can speak to your GP and they can refer you for talk therapy, although there can be a wait time. Best, HT.

Hello, I am 18 years old and I currently can not sleep because of my anxiety, these past years I have always been thinking of losing my loved ones especially my small family, I just can not imagine my life without them, and I seriously mean this. Every night, when I go to sleep I think of it and it either ends by thinking of something else to distract myself or like this night, when nothing can distract me and I just decide to skip sleeping. Honestly, I am sick of it, these thoughts are hunting my head, and I would love to outcome this situation but being an introvert person I find it difficult to speak out about my problems especially “non-material” ones. Help me! 🙁

Hi Mira, if you read through the other comments here on this article, you will find you aren’t alone, and we discuss how this is a normal thing that happens when an adolescent realising your own mortality and that soon you have to strike out on your own in the world. We recommend that you see this anxiety as serious even if it is not a physical thing and do talk to someone, introverted or not. Is there a counsellor at school? A friend or relative you trust? Talking about these things with a trusted person can help you feel less alone and can make a world of difference. best, HT.

Hi ,Iost both my parents to illness when I was very young,I miss them so much I hope God is keeping them,Please help me get through the pain.

Hi Bernard, sounds tough. This sort of emotional pain that has not gone away on its own deserves proper attention, not some random comment from a blog team. We highly advise you see the help of a professional counsellor or therapist. If you are on a low budget, use our article on finding low cost counselling for inspiration http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy . Best, HT.

Hi there, I am soon to be 20 in a couple of days. Basically I have experienced alot of tough things at a very young age. I have lost 4 close friends in the past 3 years.. 2 of them passed away due to suicide, one in a car accident and the last one drowned will trying to cool off on a hot summers day. I was there with my friend at the time he drowned and it was the hardest thing I ever had to watch. I felt so helpless, we all tried to save him but the current was just too strong. He was only in his early 20’s. It was heartbreaking. Since that day I have had a horrible fear of water. I use to love swimming but now I go into an instant panic, I totally freak out and lose all control of myself. I have a fear of drowning and I think it is all linked to what happened to my friend. My uncle suddenly died 5 months ago from a heart attack. He was so healthy, so full of life, always telling me to stay positive and to stick to my Nursing course which I am studying in college. All of a sudden he was just taken from me and I can’t seem to get my head around it. I have witnessed so much death and loss over the years that I thought I would be able to bare it or even get use to the feeling as horrible as that sounds, but I just feel like this has been the worst loss so far. I have never said this to anybody and only feel comfortable saying this now because you don’t know who I am but will you please give me any advice you can. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate it.

Hi there HD. That is a heck of a lot for one person to bear. Anxiety actually feels a normal response considering. Your brain is overwhelmed and trying to protect you. Grief is a strange beast. It takes a lot of time to process, and comes with a lot of symptoms you’d probably recognise if you read some of our articles on loss and grief. And it’s often a very, very good idea to seek some support. Is there a reason you haven’t talked to a grief counsellor? Most colleges now offer free to low cost counselling as well, we’d highly advise you take advantage of whatever is on offer. Gather up your courage and seek support. It is a sign of strength, to be brave enough to seek support and take care of ourselves, more than any idea of trying to ‘bear it’ alone which tends to just mean we suffer a lot more and way longer. On an additional note, if your fear of water doesn’t clear up after counselling, you might want to try clinical hypnotherapy or EMDR, which can directly deal with anxiety and fear around a clearly defined traumatic event like what you lived through. best, HT.

Hi I’m 15, and I’ve been getting frequent thoughts about my loved ones dying (especially my mom). I try to stop them because I kinda believe that thinking about things makes them more likely to happen, but it doesn’t help and the thought just get more and more frequent. I don’t think I have a codependency issue or anything, but I’m just worried and don’t want anything to happen to my parents because I really love them 🙁 How can I ease these thoughts and stop thinking them? Thanks for your help :))

Hi Isabella, if you have a read of all the other comments you’ll see that you are far from alone with all this and it’s very common for teens to start to panic about one day losing their parents. You are at a time in your life where you are realising that soon you have to be independent and fend for yourself. And you are developing your individual identity that will then carry you through life and realising things about mortality. Trying to ‘stop thinking’ never works in fact it s counterproductive, the thoughts tend to come back stronger. What is better is to talk about this. Why not talk to your Mom about how you have been realising that nothing is forever and it makes you sad that one day you’ll be a grown up alone and she won’t be there? We all actually, all us humans of all ages, feel sad to consider we will lose loved ones, but we all, each one of us will. It’s part of life, less talked about in Western culture than other countries, but a healthy thing to talk about. (Use our search bar to find our article about Death Anxiety, it will also be useful) Or talk to friends or relatives who might have similar thoughts. You might find journalling helpful. And it’s a good idea to talk to a school counsellor too, they would very much understand. Again, death and loss is a part of life. As a teenager we start to realise that, and navigating these realisations is a normal part of growing up. Best, HT.

Hi, im an architecture student and my father passed away suddenly due to a cardiac arrest a few months back. I have immense pressure of work, but seem to escape through worrying, procrastinating, crying and daydreaming. I fear not being able to fulfill his dreams. I cant seem to focus on my tasks properly, fearing death of the ones i have around me as well. i have terrible nightmares often seeing him and waking up to realise he is not here, many days i fell depressed with nightmares and anxious sleep.

Hi there Amy, believe it or not these are normal symptoms of grief. You need to go read or articles on grief and bereavement. Is there a counselling service at your school? Or do you have access to grief counselling? Also consider joining forums where you can touch base with others currently dealing with a loss. And go easy on yourself. Grief takes a long time to get through. Lower your expectations. It sounds like you were already far too hard on yourself, you are only a student with your life ahead of you and you are already worried about fulfilling dreams, and it seems grief has only exacerbated this, so please do seek that support. Best, HT.

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this article. I was in the middle of one of many panic attacks triggered by the thought of my mother dying. They usually last for well over an hour but I composed myself in 15 minutes this time. I am 28 but still extremely dependent on her and this helped me to realize my real fears were the ones you listed (having no identity of my own, not knowing how to do things by myself, and feeling alone because I have maybe one close friend.) I lost my father as a child and I know how strong I am, but I need to figure out WHO I am…

Hi Jane, that’s a powerful realisation! What could help you do that? Figure out who you are ?By the way, we have some articles on identity, that might help. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-listen-to-yourself.htm On how to know your own thoughts and feelings. And ones on identity https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htm and https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/a-sense-of-self-who-am-i.htm . Best, HT.

I’m glad another poster in here mentioned her pets. My cat is nearly 16,had her since she was a kitten. I have no one else, just her and I’m OK with that as she’s my whole world I love her so much. She has kidney disease and I don’t know how much time we have left together. Ive often thought ‘I go when she goes’. I can’t imagine life without her, it’s devastating and terrifying

Hi Sharon, on one hand, we get it. Animals are so precious, and easier to love than other humans as they ask less of us, are easier to understand, and can give so much affection without strings. But we do worry when you say you have no one else or would want to die without your pet, as no matter how much we love a person, pet, or even an object, this is an over dependence. What is the root of having no one else? Have you ever thought about seeking support over this, to look at what holds you back from relating with others? Best, HT.

Thanks HT. I think I was abused, definitely neglected, as a child. Any subsequent relationships have been with bullies. I kept them in my life I believe due to it being safe, as it’s all ive known. I’m being referred for mental health provision where I’m based as I’ve a lot going on. I’m ready to face it though. You are right about my being over dependent. The root cause is she’s the only one in my life who’s shown me kindness. I don’t want to go when she goes, but then I feel guilty saying that. I want to fight to continue, and not be so obsessed with how much time we have left or lose it when she looks poorly. I’m not sure how I stumbled upon your articles but I’ve read dozens already and they’ve been massively helpful. Thankyou

Hi Sharon, we just want to say congratulations for having the courage to put yourself out there for support, it’s always that first step that is hardest. You are right re bullies. When we grow up in an abusive home, that is our idea of ‘home’, so we naturally can keep choosing it again and again until we realise what is happening. Therapy really helps. What it also helps with is that it helps us be kinder and more compassionate to ourselves. Often when we were abused and neglected without realising it we carry it into adulthood and in tiny ways are constantly abusing and been mean to ourselves. We don’t take care of our health, we alienate ourselves, we don’t follow our dreams… and those around us take our signal and also treat us badly. The more we have compassion and kindness for ourselves, the more we slowly start to meet a different sort of person. It’s a long process that can be challenging, but keep putting one foot in front of the other. We are really glad the site is helping. And again we really truly get that animals are sentient beings who matter as much as other humans to many of us, and that is brutally painful when they move on. But we also truly believe she would not want you to be unhappy without her, but she would be happier to know you were ok when she does move on. Animals can be like little guardian angels from another realm, but they desire our wellbeing, that is why they find us. Best, HT.

Thankyou HT, you have no idea how your insightful and comforting words have helped me already. Im hopeful my psychological therapist is as kind as yourself. I look forward to the future sometimes, rather than being afraid. Thankyou again

Hello. I’m a 21 year old female and for a couple of years now I have been so fearful of my mum dying and also losing my boyfriend. Because within the last 2 years, she has actually become my best friend. I love her so much. I feel like if she was my age and wasn’t my mum we would actually be the bestest of friends. But I also feel slightly dependent on her i think, I’m not so much anymore but from when I was younger she did quite a lot for me and I didn’t see myself as independent until I was like 18. I now feel terrified about what life will be like without her, because I genuinely love her more than anything in the world. The pain would be so aching. I also feel this way about my boyfriend and I’m worried I’m becoming codependent on him instead; we have a healthy relationship so it’s not like we will end any time soon or anything it’s just that when I’m on my own I usually feel fine but when I’m with him and he leaves I get so sad and anxious about what I will feel like on my own, and although we’ve only been together nearly a year sometimes I cry or feel like crying when i tell him i love him because I am so scared of the possibility that he could just not be with me one day when he has become such an integral part of my being. It is so strong it’s almost too strong that sometimes I get thoughts like ‘I’m only really truly happy when I’m with him’ – the fact he probably doesn’t get worries like this makes me feel uncomfortable. He is so self assured that I get the feeling that he thinks of course it would hurt if we weren’t together, but he would still live on. That makes me feel uncomfortable because I feel like I wouldn’t be able to cope without him, he feels like a genuine soul mate and I want to be more independent and I want to not think about losing these 2 people. I think I have anxiety which makes it harder. Thank you

Hi there Bambi, we also received your second comment. To be honest we don’t think you exaggerated, there is some codependency going on here both with your mother and your boyfriend. To some extent it’s normal in young adults, who are fed a constant diet of false ideas of love and relationships from movies etc and who don’t yet have the life experience to know reality is different. And who are in the process of becoming fully independent of their parents, and are facing up to the reality of mortality. So you might naturally outgrow all of this as you get older, live on your own if you aren’t already, etc. But also to say, believe it or not your boyfriend’s attitude is very healthy. We don’t know you and we can’t diagnose based on a comment. but it could be a question of what is known as ‘attachment’. A person with secure attachment knows that they are able to be good with or without the other person. Which is healthy Love is not about being lost without someone else, that’s addiction and instability, love is about feeling the other person knows you and supports you to be your best self but about also being able to be that best self with or without them. Love is not a base for us to feel good, that’s need, addiction, codependency, low self-esteem. Love is a choice to share and grow together (read our guide on healthy relationships for more http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide ). If we have what is known as ‘anxious attachment’ relationships make us, well, anxious. ( http://bit.ly/anxiousattachment ). It could also just be plain old anxiety, as you explain, but the question then becomes, where is this anxiety coming from, what life experiences have led to it. Would you consider counselling? It would be a great idea. If you are at college or university they might offer free to low cost services, do look into it. Best, HT.

i’m a 14 year old girl who is scared of losing her baby brother and little sister. i can tell the difference between a little fear and something way worse. i feel like this isn’t something i’ll get over and deal with easily. i’ve never really lost anyone close to me other than my grandpa but it doesn’t seem like that’s what’s wrong, i’m not sure of anything and everytime i get the chance i hold on to both of them and get really scared to let go (like holding my brothers hand for example or enjoying time with my sister and then her falling asleep) i’m scared something bad is going to happen if i fall asleep and i feel the need to watch over them all the time. sometimes it goes away after a while but not recently. there’s this really bad feeling i have all the time and my chest feels so heavy i don’t know what to do. no one knows anything and i can’t have them knowing. i know it’s really stupid but i’m just not sure of anything ever.

Hi there Aarysa, we don’t think this is stupid. What we do think is that you are suffering from anxiety. Use our search bar to read our articles about it. Anxiety hijacks our mind until we have increasingly illogical thoughts, and fixate on one thing. Is there someone you can talk to about this? An adult you trust, a counsellor at school? We don’t know what country you are in. If you are in the UK, there are a lot of resources for young people, such as the helplines you’ll find in this article http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines . If not, google for a help line in your area. And consider reading books about anxiety, there are many these days, with tips to help. Mindfulness, for example, is very useful, you can learn for free here http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout . Otherwise, would your parents be open to helping you get some counselling? We have an article on how to talk to your parents about mental health here http://bit.ly/talktoparents . Best, HT.

Hello, I’m a 23 year old who’s about to move out of the family home for good, having come back for holidays during the last 4 years at university. My excitement about getting the job offer that would allow me to leave home quickly turned into an anxiety about my parents getting older, not being able to do the things they enjoy and eventually dying. It is reassuring to learn from the earlier comments/answers that this anxiety is not uncommon for people in my situation. However, given that it does seem to be a normal reaction for young adults leaving home, is there anything that I should do about it? Do I just go ahead with my life in the knowledge that, when I establish my life away from home, it will no longer be an issue? Or should I address it somehow? Although it has improved slightly from what it was, my anxiety is still disrupting my sleeping and eating habits, and while the starting point is always about my parents dying, my thoughts often spiral into a sort of existential crisis about my own life. This has all come from a moment that should be making me good about the future, but I can’t shake off this panic. I feel like me being the youngest child and therefore leaving my parents on their own is not helping my problem. Thanks for your help.

Hi Alex, have you talked to your parents about this? Sat down and shared that you are feeling some anxiety, and perhaps even some guilt about leaving them ’empty nesters’? Shared how excited you are about this move but also how it feels overwhelming? We ask this as it seems you haven’t, which would lead us to question if you are from a family you feel supported by and able to be yourself around, and if not, who are you able to talk to about things like this with? Life changes make the best of us anxious, and while that is indeed normal, it’s more worrisome that it feels you have nobody to talk this through with. Sometimes just a safe space to talk things through is all we need. If you don’t have this outlet, and if after the move you are still feeling anxious, we’d suggest you reach out to a counsellor. It might just be a few sessions and you’ll feel settled, it might be that you discover this big move has triggered other things that need dealing with. Regardless, we think the answer here is finding support, whether that is a friend, family member, or counsellor. Best, HT.

Hi, I’m a 14 year old, and recently I found out my best friend tried to commit suicide. I’ve always know she was struggling, and have done my best to help her, but after finding out I feel so helpless. I panic more and more especially since I now know that was her second attempt. I’m doing the best I can, talking to her, supporting her, and gifting her little things as well as writing letters, but I’m afraid I will end up losing her. I have only known her for 3-4 years but she is so so important to me, I have such good memories with her, and can’t image life if I just woke up one morning and found out the she was gone. I know she’s getting help, in fact she’s getting a lot of support but that doesn’t keep me from freaking out, or crying. Is there anything I should do? Thanks for your time.

Hi Emily, sounds difficult. But it also sounds like you are doing a lot of really positive things here. You are letting your friend know you care, and are being honest with yourself about how upsetting this is. And we are assuming you’ve let your friend know it’s upsetting to you that they would not be there. It’s a normal, healthy reaction to be upset if someone you love has had actual brushes with death. This is not just anxiety, or worry about some possible scenario, this is a real worry based on factual things that have happened and an actual risk you might lose this friend. You feel helpless as the truth is we are in many ways helpless, as we can’t control another person, no matter how much we love them. We can only let them know they are loved, which you are doing. So in this case we’d say you need some support too. Is there someone you can talk to about this? An adult you trust, a counsellor at school? Do you trust your parents enough to let them know this is really upsetting you and you need some support yourself? We have an article here on how to tell your parents you need some mental health support http://bit.ly/talktoparents . This really isn’t something to suffer through alone as it’s a very difficult situation. Best, HT

i am 19 years old and i have this anxiety ever since my University begun. I know i fear for the unknown and independant or alone. But whenever i faced a difficulty or challenges or future challenges, the thought of losing family’s anxiety just come out and cover the rest of fears. And it only give more anxiety than it already should be. Everytime i beat these anxieties back but they just keep coming back. Although reading your article ease me, but i fear it wont help me forever. What should i do to clear the thoughts and fears and anxiety ?

Hi there CCK. So here’s the thing, trying to ‘beat back’ anxiety can just make it roar up stronger. Sometimes we just need to try relaxing into the fear and worry and seeing what is behind it, seeing it like a wave, sometimes big, sometimes small, but something that just washes over us. A great help here can be a mindfulness practise. With time, it helps us to realise that the thoughts are just thoughts, not who we are, or not reality. You can learn for free here http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout . Anxiety can be about one things, but then fixate on something else entirely. We think you are right that being away from home and being independent is probably the real issue, but your mind has fixated on losing your parents. If it doesn’t get better with time, and starts to make daily coping hard, then do try counselling. CBT therapy is evidence based for anxiety, and there is also clinical hypnotherapy which some people get results with. Best, HT.

I am 24 and when I was a child I watched that movie all dogs go to heaven and it clicked in my brain that we all die and if you go to heaven it’s forever and ever and ever and it has no end. And ever since then at least once or twice a year I will have such bad anxiety that my mom can’t get out of my site. My dad was a drug addict and super mean growing up so I just had my mom but she had to worry about my dad brother and grandparents. Anyways. Now I’m qn adult and literally think that if I don’t live with her or don’t see her every day that something bad will happen if I’m not there and that if she dies I won’t be happy I won’t want to live I won’t be able to survive I won’t have anyone ill just crumble and die. So I cry about literally everything and anything. If she gets sick I get very emotional. And this makes me feel so stupid and childish but I literally can’t fathom my mom dying and when I think about it I fall into this deep dark black pit of despair and I feel like I’m seeing the world from a 3rd person pov bc i feel so detached and I just cry for hours. I’m currently trying RRT therapy but uh I’m at a loss really.

Hi there, RRT therapy is not recognised as an official therapy here in the UK so we can’t comment on its efficiency unfortunately. But it’s great that you are reaching out for support. It sounds like there was a lot of instability growing up and you now have anxiety and attachment issues. If RRT therapy doesn’t work out, don’t give up on therapy. Sometimes we need to give therapy a few tries, or try a different therapist or type of therapy before we get the ‘click’ and start to move forward. Schema therapy might be a useful one for you, it creates a very safe container for you to work within. CBT therapy would help you get your anxious thoughts under control, but is often a bit clinical over warm, whereas schema therapy uses the therapist/client relationship as a tool and you might benefit from this. Best, HT.

I’m Michaela (21) and I have severe anxiety and depression. I have been to a few therapists concerning the issues I’m having but I haven’t had any progress yet. I have a constant fear about my mother dying. She is my best friend and I love her very much. I saw the codependent aspect and I do want to make her happy and feel as if I would be alone without her because she’s my only friend and she’s been the only constant in my life. I know that I would be fine in aspects in my life such as financials and independence. However, I just don’t feel I could be without my mom ever. I spend time with her but I feel it’s never enough and that I’m not going to get to spend enough time with her before she dies (shes 42 and in decent health) I just worry all the time and feel like she’s going to die all the time when I’m not with her. Do you have any suggestions on what I could do to fix that? I don’t know fully what my issue is. Maybe not being able to understand what my actual underlying issue is? I understand that she will die eventually, I just feel I won’t ever have enough time with her. Thank you 😢

Hi there Michaela. So what we see here is a real lack of trust. You say you’ve seen several therapists, for example. So we are guessing you aren’t trusting the ones you try and sticking it out. (And if you are with a therapist now but asking for advice instead of talking to them this shows total lack of trust in the therapist and the process). And you don’t trust life to take care of you when your mother moves on. You also say your mother is your ‘only friend’ implying you don’t trust people your own age. So as for the ‘fix’. You aren’t broken, you don’t need ‘fixing’, you are simply human, one who needs to find her way forward and work on a few things. People aren’t math, nor is life. It’s a process, often a messy one, with many ups and downs. Quick fixes don’t exist. Although a good start would be finding a therapist you can see is a good person you could grow to trust (if you have trust issues, you won’t trust ANY therapist at first, so don’t expect to) and sticking it out, even through the tough bits. And maybe looking at where all this lack of trust originates from. If we have trust issues, we often also have control issues. We want to control everything. This doesn’t work. The human experience involves challenge after challenge. Including losing those we love at one point. Well, the physical form of them. Challenge is how we grow. If we don’t know sadness, we can’t know joy. The other thing with anxiety is our mind becomes addicted to negative thinking. We highly recommend committing to a gratitude practise. Again, committing. Doing it every day, even if you don’t trust the process and it seems pointless. it is a way to train your brain to see different perspectives. And consider learning mindfulness. It’s evidence based for anxiety, there are many research studies. Again, it’s a daily commitment, but it helps your brain to stay in the present moment instead of constantly obsessing on the future. http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout Best, HT.

First if all thank you for writing this. It helped me a lot! So.. I have an amazing family. I love them so much and cant imagine any life without any of them. Especially my mom. She helps me live. I don’t know what I woyld do with out her. She helps me when im sad and when im lost she reassures me and I dont think I would be here right now without her in my life. She is one of my biggest supporters. Im getting worried and sad about loosing her even know she isnt close to passing. It just sacres me that I never know when shes going to pass or any of my family. What should I do?

Hi ther Tracey, we are guessing you are a teenager. Have a read through the comments where we discuss this. It’s normal to go through this as a teen. You are in the period of life where you start to develop your own identity and prepare for standing on your own two feet as an adult. And part of that can be growing pains, where you feel panicky and terrified about not being a kid relying on your parents and where you realise your parents are mortal. So don’t judge yourself for the feeling, just understand it’s a part of growing up. And you just have to take it day by day. And that bit by bit, your own identity will get stronger, you’ll feel more and more aware of your own personal power, and you’ll stop being a kid relying on her and become an adult relying on you, until one day you marvel at the fact that you used to think you were helplessly reliant on her. If the anxiety ever becomes so much that you can’t function on a day to day basis, then talk to someone, either an adult you trust or the counsellor at school. Best, HT.

Thank you! I am a teen. I am also getting nervous and panicky about nothing and don’t know why. I worry about usless things and don’t know why. What do you think?

Hi Jacey, we’d say either what we talk about in the comment response we left, or a bit of generalised anxiety. Being a teen is tough. A lot of teens feel anxious. If it gets to the point you are struggling on a daily basis, talk to an adult you trust, your doctor, or a school counsellor. Or ask your parents if they could help you seek some counselling. Again, do scroll through this comment section and you’ll see how many teens feel the same. Best, HT.

Hi, my name is yunya and I m 22 years old and I can’t stop thinking about loosing my family members and my partner, specially my parents I mean they are my everything I love them more then anything. it’s been a month since this unfortunate feeling or pain hit me and I can’t stop crying it’s getting worst as I can’t talk to anyone about this in my house. I mean I can’t brought up this painfull truth of the life as chat in front of them. I did talk to my partner about my this and I even cry in front of him and hi did comfort me with many peaceful thoughts and words but still my tears won’t stop I love my family and him it’s hard…

Hi Yunya, have a scroll through the other comments and you’ll find you are far, far from alone. It’s part of growing up, to realise that we are mortal and that everyone around us is. We mourn it, and then we learn to value our life and those around us. So sounds to us like you are going through the normal process of separating from your parents as their child and becoming an adult yourself. Take things one day at a time. These feelings often naturally fade when we move out of the house and find a job and our own apartment and step more and more into adulthood. Often this panicking about parents dying is also a way to process our own fears about having to be independent, we can hide all those fears behind this other fear. What concerns us here is not the worries about mortality and loss but that you feel you can’t actually talk to your family. Do you have anyone else to talk to besides your new partner? If not, do consider booking some counselling. If you are at school you might find they offer free to low cost counselling to students. Sometimes we all need someone to talk to, and having a safe, unbiased space to discuss our feelings can really help. We wish you courage. Best, HT.

Sometimes when my parent leaves the house, and is gone for a while, I start panicking and start to think that something bad has happened to them, so I start crying, even after I text them and they tell me they are alright I continue to cry, is there any kind of explanation for what I’m feeling? I looked it up and it says it’s separation anxiety but I don’t think so. I’m terrified of being alone as well, just thinking about me in the future by myself without any of my siblings or parents/ grandparent makes me extremely sad and I’m scared. This is not the first time it has happened. I’m so scared of losing my parents, siblings, and my Gma, shes old and I’m not ready to lose her. When she leaves this earth I think I might actually become depressed, and that’s normal right? I know I won’t be able to function properly, I’m gonna be in all kinds of pain. It’s gonna be so weird because me, my mom and siblings are always visiting and having fun over there, then it’s just gonna be over. My brother had to leave and I won’t see him for years, maybe like 20 years and that has messed me up. The last time we saw each other was when I was like 14-15, and now we might not see each other until we’re in our 30-40s. I even gave up my spot to visit him so my younger siblings could have a chance so they don’t forget him or something, I hope his kids remember him somehow. I used to cry myself to sleep over it. We were so close growing up and I miss all the time that we spent together, but he had to leave and it’s just very painful, I don’t know how I’ll survive actually losing someone to death.

Hi there. So we are going to guess you are under the age of 22 and in the period of life where you are realising you are soon going to have to be an independent adult. Give a scroll through all the comments you will find you are far from alone in this sort of panic about losing loved ones. It’s very common in people of your age. We develop anxiety about losing loved ones as a way to manage our own anxiety about having to grow up and be independent basically. And we lose the ‘untouchable’ feeling teens seem to have, realise we are not untouchable but are vulnerable and mortal, and have to become a responsible adult. The anxiety starts to fade when we move out, go to school, get a job, and start to take charge of our life, realising our personal power. Otherwise, if the anxiety becomes unmanageable, do reach out and talk to someone, such as the counsellor at school or a trusted adult. Best, HT.

Thank you so much, I’ll try my best!

Ever since we rode on a new ride, the SteelHawk at an amusement park, World’s of Fun, me and my family go to every year, we went on it all the time and we loved everything about it. The view, the pretty lights, etc. A couple years later, I began to have fearful thoughts of one of my family members or myself killing themselves on it by falling off, or me doing it to them, which is definitely something I would never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, do. I love my family so much. A few years past and I stopped imagining it. Now, I work as a halloween screamer at Worlds of Fun. I have been watching the SteelHawk go and the thoughts kept coming back to me. I have been telling my twin sister about it and my Mom and luckily, they understand. Also, my twin sister has been going through this stage too. But still, I don’t want any of them dying on a really cool ride we have been on since it first came out. I really wanna not think about it anymore at all. Is there anything that’ll make me not think about it ever again? Thank you!

Hi Emily, if you scroll through the other comments, you can find comfort in the fact this is often a normal part of teenage years. We’d imagine that, unless these thoughts are also joined by many other anxious thoughts, that they will just fade with time. If you are having many other dark, anxious thoughts, however, then we’d advise seeing a counsellor to see if it’s anxiety. Otherwise, clinical hypnotherapy can be helpful, as can teaching yourself how to have balanced thoughts https://bit.ly/thinkbalance . Best, HT.

I’m 11 years old..and I have fear of losing my mother, sister or father. In my memories I heard my aunt say that their mother died when she was 45 years old..and my mother is 41-42 years old…I don’t know if this is my own imagination or what but whenever I think about it, I end up in tears. I am close to my sister. But, I cannot tell about this phobia to her..she would probably say that I just have to stop thinking like last time when I told her..I can’t tell my mother too..I don’t think she would understand me either well she may as she is a doctor…but…I don’t know if I should tell her or not…I cannot tell my father too. He wouldn’t really understand me…I don’t have anyone I can share this with… I’m dont know anyone I can trust.. I have friends…but I’m just a 6th wheeler among them. They all have friendships going on.. I don’t know what to do.. I am unable to sleep these days.Our school starts at 6:30 am so I have to wake up early which results in me not getting sleep at all. I don’t know why but I’m starting to get scared of birthdays… Birthday is just a day where we celebrate that the death of our loved ones is coming closer… I also am scared of the dark. Some times it gets so worse that I can’t even lift up our bed sheet and look under the bed because I start shaking. These days both 9f my phobias are active and I don’t get much sleep. I sleep like 3-4 hours a day.. And my sister, mother and father’s birthday is coming… My sister’s is on 23 oct. My father’s on 28 oct. My mother’s on 19 October…. Im thinking..I should give my mother loooootttts of gifts on her 45th birthday…I don’t care about my budget. I would rather give away all my money than lose my loved ones. Or at least…keep them happy… Please tell me what should I do..I’m in a situation where I cannot share it with anyone nor can I do anything..I mean I can but… If….. unfortunately….any loved one I hope not dies…I don’t think my mental health would stay stable anymore..

hi Alice, if you read through the comments, you’ll find you are in good company. A lot of young people have this fear. It starts when as an adolescent you realise that life is limited and not forever and one day you have to be independent of your parents. So in your case, it’s started a bit young. We’d imagine you are rather bright and that your tendency to think a lot has started this a bit early. What concerns us is that you don’t feel you can talk to your parents. You’d be surprised how much they might understand it. Everyone goes through this at some point, realising life is not forever and we all die and feeling anxious about that. So we’d say it’s worth giving them a try and not assuming you know how they would respond. It sounds also that this isn’t just about a fear of loss but that you might be developing anxiety. In this case it is important to seek help. Which might mean talking to your parents or a school counsellor and letting them know your thoughts are getting out of control and upsetting you. We have an article here on how to talk to your parents about mental health http://bit.ly/talktoparents . We are pretty sure if they had any idea you were struggling they would want to help. They are your parents. Also, we think you could benefit from a gratitude practise to help teach your mind to keep a more balanced perspective http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise . And don’t overlook calling a free, confidential helpline if you are feeling really lost, there are many just for teens where you can even text or send emails, we have a list of the ones here in the UK here if not google for one in your area http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide . Finally, you are not your thoughts. thoughts are just thoughts, we are something more. And when life happens, we tend to rise to the occassion in ways we never thought we’d be able to. Life can be be tough sometimes, but it’s also beautiful, and without challenges we’d never grow as people. Best, HT.

This article is really helpful and I have also had some therapy from Harley as I had a breakdown triggered by the pandemic and I was helped enormously by the therapy but I have other lingering problems that I think are so deep-rooted. I have had severe social anxiety for as long as I can remember. My dad died of cancer when I was 9 then my 15 year old brother also died of cancer and my mum became an alcoholic. I was lost. People say it’s understandable but that doesn’t help me. I managed to make short-term friends at uni but only when it revolved around drinking as this took away my fear. Then I met my now partner who I have been with for almost 40 years. He grew up in care and had no-one either. We both gravitated to each other and have been inseparable ever since. We have a lovely adult son and a successful business together. I no longer drink. But I wake up every day panicking and thinking what if my partner dies. I love him so much; he is funny and outgoing and people are attracted to him. I am not lying when I say I know people find me strange and avoid me; I think my tension is palpable and makes them uncomfortable. I don’t enjoy these interactions one bit either in fact they are like torture. I don’t go anywhere much without my partner or son. Our life is very happy but we are getting older and both have health issues. I am so afraid of the nothingness if I am left alone; nobody to share my thoughts with, no-one to cuddle up to, nothing. I can do the physical things to live myself but that’s not what I’m worried about, it’s the emotional void. I don’t want my son to have the burden of me as a mum like I had with mine if I can’t cope. I have tried antidepressants but I don’t like the feeling of them; these thoughts are based in reality and I feel that masking them isn’t going to help me. I’ve had several courses of therapy from various sources but, although they have helped, they just can’t change the way I am and after many years I have come to the conclusion I am a broken person who just can’t be fixed. Any comment would be really appreciated.

Hi F, it’s curious that you say you have tried several courses of therapy. What has you stopping the therapy? Changing therapists? You see change is hard. Very hard. It requires working through the uncomfortable bits. Therapy has a lot of uncomfortable bits, also bits that seem pointless and feel like plateau-ing, or pulling teeth… and then breakthroughs happen. But you have to commit and stick it out. So then what it is that impedes this? Is it the type of therapy? Have you not found the right ‘click’ with a therapist themselves? Or…? Sometimes it can be that deep down we think we want change but we might not. Somehow, in ways it can take a lot of courage to admit to, we benefit from the world view we have decided is ‘based on reality’. We don’t necessarily agree that all of your thoughts are, we sense what is called ‘cognitive distortions’ going on, thinking that we have decided is reality but is our own distorted take on things. Whatever the case might be for you, we don’t think we have any right to tell you what’s what or how you can have any breakthrough based on a comment, as it is so much better to work with someone who can get to know you, and we worry you are just seeking endless opinions but will somehow turn it around to the same conclusion every time… that you are hopeless, that nothing can change.When you aren’t. Again, worth asking how it benefits you to decide you are broken and can’t be fixed. Finally, you obviously have a very strong mind that might on some levels not want to change. So you could try a modality that is less talk and more other ways of working, to circumvent your strong beliefs and work regardless if you do or don’t think you are beyond help. Such as as EMDR, clinical hypnotherapy, BWRT, and body psychotherapy. We’d highly recommend EMDR and BWRT to start as they both deal directly at changing the brain’s trauma response. Best, HT.

Thanks for the reply. The therapy I have had has been over the course of many years with various therapists. I don’t know why but somehow I don’t think I truly ever explain what I want to be fixed and we always seem to reach a point where the therapist seems satisfied I am doing much better and I agree with them. Then I go away and I’m still the same… I did notice how many negatives/can’ts/don’ts were in my previous post after I had written it. I know when you ask how it benefits me to feel I am broken there is probably an important reason but I’m unable to see it; consciously I would give anything to be more like the relaxed and happy people I see around me. I will look into BWRT and EMDR – thank you.

F this is actually a common issue with those who grew up in a precarious household. You mentioned your Father died when you were young and your mother became an alcoholic. What happens is that as a child we learn to read the damaged adult’s response very carefully and then be what they want us to be so we don’t risk negative attention and also so we get the positive attention we need to survive. This is also called codependency, we learn to create an identity based on bending who we are to make those around us happy. Again this can also just be a survival game, a way to avoid upsetting a parent who is unstable. The problem is that the child gets so used to hiding their anger and sadness and morphing to what they need to be that it becomes an ingrained habit. So then as adults we have this habit so perfected we think it is who we are even. Our own real identity can be largely lost in the fray. Then when we go to the hairdresser, dentist, or, yes, therapist, even if we practice saying what we want to say in advance suddenly there we are, saying just what we think that person wants us to say, being another person, actually (and walking out with the haircut we didn’t want!). After we feel anxious and uncomfortable as we are aware we can’t just be ourselves around others (you also mention this sort of pattern in all your social interactions). So a way to deal with this is to say right away in a first session, something along lines of, “I have a problem with pleasing, of being what I think a therapist wants, going into pleasing mode, I think I am scared of not being liked by a therapist, I want to discuss this now so I don’t do endless sessions where I am really not asking for what I need.” You say you want to be like the relaxed people around you, they are likely relaxed as they don’t have a radar constantly scanning for what others want and aren’t distracted and stressed by unconsciously trying to meet that perceived need, does that make sense? They are able to just be themselves likely because as a child this was not held against them. As for the reasons, a classic example is that always feeling different and unloved benefits us in that we can give ourselves an excuse to not try difficult situations, a way to avoid other hurt, and a way to feel sorry for ourselves, or even special, in a backwards way. Or we can use it to gain attention and support from others, even, sympathy. We aren’t saying these are your reasons, but we are pointing out there can be many benefits. BWRT and EMDR can really help to soothe this way of always living in ‘switched on’ mode, as it lowers and regulates the stress response that is connected to it. Best, HT.

I am a 47 year old lesbian whose wife is a decade older than I am. Even though my wife is in good health for her age, I worry about her death, sometimes to the point of crying about it. I have other family but they are busy with their own lives and I have a few close friends but they live far away. If something were to happen to my wife, I feel like I would be all alone. I also feel like if I tried to find support in the community that the fact that I lost a same sex spouse would make it hard to find support. When I think of life without my wife, I just imagine myself so alone that I eventually just give up and die.

Hi there Laura, this feels to us to be about much more than just this situation. Perhaps even an issue with connection and loneliness and never feeling like you fit in that we’d guess pre-dates meeting your wife. Would you consider going to counselling? We think it would be tremendously helpful for you, these are just the kinds of issues and anxieties talk therapy is perfect for, and we feel that it could make a real difference not just to this situation, but also your daily life. Best, HT.

Hey, am a 36 year old woman, eldest in my siblings, my parents are 65 and 60, I have been diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. I am Egyptian and unfortunately all my therapy experiences have been really bad or not useful. I haven’t been living with my parents for 10 years or so, after my divorce (6 years ago) I decided not to go back to my parents house as we clash a lot (me & my dad cause we are too much alike) when we are in the same space but this is how we know how to deal with each other yet the love is pretty much there. My anxiety has been kicking in hard though am on medications and I feel very guilty for not spending enough time with them, I fear of loosing them all the time, if I call and they don’t pick up, first thought is someone died, I am very close to my mom, I call her like a zillion times a day, I also ask about my dad through her all the time. I dunno how obsessing about it is gonna prevent it from happening, I might even go before them which also worries me cause they wont handle it specially my dad (He is super emotional and I believe he suffers from sever anxiety as well) Both my parents got sick a few months ago with covid and it was the worst time of my life, i moved in with them to take care of them and I can still remember the oxygen machine sound that mom used and it was just anxiety hell. I feel my life is on hold all the time, waiting for it to happen. My medications make me a bit emotionally numb but I here I am at my desk at work crying and writing you this. I am tired.

Hi there L. So when we have severe anxiety, our brain tends to pick one thing as it’s main ‘go to’, to feed the anxiety. And your has picked your parent’s death. Death is a common thing to have as a anxiety focus point. But the real issue is still the anxiety. How long did you stick with therapy? What kinds of therapy? Did you like your therapist? It’s not an instant fix and it can be a bit like dating to find the therapist you are comfortable with. With anxiety, particularly to this extreme, the wrong sort of therapy could backfire, for example, a therapy that just had you talking about your problems over providing you with actual tools, both for lowering your stress response, thinking in more useful ways, and coping. One tool that is shown by research to help anxiety is mindfulness. It requires daily commitment, but it’s easy to learn http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout . We’d suggest therapies that simply work to calm your stress response instead of endlessly going over the past, such as BWRT, clinical hypnotherapy or CBT. If there was trauma in your past EMDR is another great choice. Best, HT.

Hi there! I’m Prachi, 22 years old. Recently in COVID my friend lost her father. Since then I’m having this feeling like if I enjoy life too much, or be happy, something bad will happen to my family. 6 years back my dad was hospitalized due to a heart problem and at that time I felt my life is nothing without him, it will be better if I just die before him or with him and this thought still comes to my mind. And nowadays with COVID around, each and every death, I hear about gives me anxiety and that feeling comes in again like if I will be happy or most importantly if people will see me happy, something bad will happen. So I just don’t want anybody to know that I went out, or had a good time with my parents. I’m unable to deal with this. PS: The day my dad was hospitalized, we earlier had a great day, we talked, laughed, the weather was great and we went for a walk. So whenever I’m feeling that happiness, it just scares me.

Hi Prachi, the pandemic has seen a very sharp rise in anxiety issues worldwide. We are definitely seeing this in the UK so we confirm you are in good company and far from alone in this. What you are describing are indeed classic anxiety symptoms, which, yes, can be overwhelming. But give yourself credit as you are dealing with it, even if if feels hard to believe, you are making it through each day. Try to just do your best with each day over letting your mind, which is now addicted to anxious thoughts, to always be thinking of the future and whether you can or cannot cope. Just cope with this exact minute and be proud of yourself for each hour, minute, and day you get through. Then do seek support. Again, anxiety can be addictive, it’s hard to shake alone, we’d highly suggest you seek some counselling with someone who deals with anxiety, CBT therapy is a short term therapy that is shown by research to help with anxiety and you don’t even talk about your past really, it is focussed on current day issues. Also use our search bar to find all our articles on anxiety full of useful and free tips you can put into practice today, including our article on death anxiety, which is a common form of anxiety. We wish you courage. Best, HT.

My husband lately since losing a family friend has been having trouble sleeping bc all he can think about is if there’s a heaven or hell will he go to heaven, will he see everyone that has passed away in the afterlife, will he see me again (wife).Is he wasting time playing video games when he could be doing something else….It’s weird bc he has lost closer family members who he was much closer to and it didn’t phase him like it has now.How can I help him and comfort him?Why is he feeling this way?!?!HELP!!!!

Hey, I’m 18. I lost my father when I was 13, and at the same year I lost my grandfather too. After loosing my father this fear automatically fixed in my head that I’ll loose my other loved one like my mom or my brother. This thought is continuously roaming in my head for almost past 2 years and I’m fed up with it. I just keep on thinking about death even though I do not want to. My daily life is getting affected by this, I’m not able to focus on my studies or just sit quietly. No matter what I do these thoughts just won’t leave my head. I think these thoughts were just beginning cause now many negative thoughts of all types keeps roaming in my head. Either I will think bad about myself or someone else even though I know I’m not this kind of person. When I think about my loved ones death and I’m doing something like studying or sketching I think if I got this thing right nothing bad will happen. I keep thinking if I don’t do this thing right something bad will happen to my loved ones. I feel like I’m putting their life at stake when I do this. I don’t know what’s my problem is. I know it’s wrong but I don’t know how to stop this. Recently when these thoughts get heavy on my mind I wish I was dead rather than having these thoughts but at the same point I want to live too. I feel frustrated. I get irritated by these thoughts. I started meditation this year but it’s not helping a lot either, when I close my eyes only thing I think about is death of my loved ones. When my mom or my brother are out of house and are getting late I became anxious about their well being. After loosing my father things have been hard for us, we left our father’s house and got settled with our maternal grandmother, even then things are hard. I do not trust my relatives. I only want my mom and my brother. And I don’t know what is happening with me right now. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I was a lovely, energetic and and extrovert since I was a kid but now I think if I tell someone about my problems they won’t understand or feel burdened with me. I had cheerful personality till I was 15 but now I’m not even able to socialize. I feel like everytime I talk I only talk nonsense. I don’t know what to do in life. I feel like to hit on my head multiple times.

And sometimes my breathing gets heavy and fast because of these thoughts

Hey, I’m 18. I lost my father when I was 13, and at the same year I lost my grandfather too. After loosing my father this fear automatically fixed in my head that I’ll loose my other loved one like my mom or my brother. This thought is continuously roaming in my head for almost past 2 years and I’m fed up with it. I just keep on thinking about death even though I do not want to. My daily life is getting affected by this, I’m not able to focus on my studies or just sit quietly. No matter what I do these thoughts just won’t leave my head. I think these thoughts were just beginning cause now many negative thoughts of all types keeps roaming in my head. Either I will think bad about myself or someone else even though I know I’m not this kind of person. When I think about my loved ones death and I’m doing something like studying or sketching I think if I got this thing right nothing bad will happen. I think that if I do this thing wrong something bad will happen to my loved ones. I feel like I’m putting their life at stake when I do this. I don’t know what’s my problem is. I know it’s wrong but I don’t know how to stop this. Recently when these thoughts get heavy on my mind I wish I was dead rather than having these thoughts but at the same point I want to live too. I feel frustrated. I get irritated by these thoughts. I started meditation this year but it’s not helping a lot either, when I close my eyes only thing I think about is death of my loved ones. When my mom or my brother are out of house and are getting late I became anxious about their well being. After loosing my father things have been hard for us, we left our father’s house and got settled with our maternal grandmother, even then things are hard. I do not trust my relatives. I only want my mom and my brother. And I don’t know what is happening with me right now. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I was a lovely, energetic and and extrovert since I was a kid but now I think if I tell someone about my problems they won’t understand or feel burdened with me. I had cheerful personality till I was 15 but now I’m not even able to socialize. I feel like everytime I talk I only talk nonsense. I don’t know what to do in life. I feel like to hit on my head multiple times. Sometimes my breathing becomes heavy and fast because of these thoughts. I just feel this problem is getting bigger and bigger day by day.

Hey, I’m 18. I lost my father when I was 13, and at the same year I lost my grandfather too. After loosing my father this fear automatically fixed in my head that I’ll loose my other loved one like my mom or my brother. This thought is continuously roaming in my head for almost past 2 years and I’m fed up with it. I just keep on thinking about death even though I do not want to. My daily life is getting affected by this, I’m not able to focus on my studies or just sit quietly. No matter what I do these thoughts just won’t leave my head. I think these thoughts were just beginning cause now many negative thoughts of all types keeps roaming in my head. Either I will think bad about myself or someone else even though I know I’m not this kind of person. When I think about my loved ones death and I’m doing something like studying or sketching I think if I got this thing right nothing bad will happen. I feel like if I don’t get it right something bad will happen to my loved ones. I feel like I’m putting their life at stake when I do this. I don’t know what’s my problem is. Recently when these thoughts get heavy on my mind I wish I was dead rather than having these thoughts but at the same point I want to live too. I feel frustrated. I get irritated by these thoughts. I started meditation this year but it’s not helping a lot either, when I close my eyes only thing I think about is death of my loved ones. When my mom or my brother are out of house and are getting late I became anxious about their well being. After loosing my father things have been hard for us, we left our father’s house and got settled with our maternal grandmother, even then things are hard. I do not trust my relatives. I only want my mom and my brother. And I don’t know what is happening with me right now. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I was a lovely, energetic and and extrovert since I was a kid but now I think if I tell someone about my problems they won’t understand or feel burdened with me. I had cheerful personality till I was 15 but now I’m not even able to socialize. I feel like everytime I talk I only talk nonsense. I don’t know what to do in life. I feel like to hit on my head multiple times. My mom and brother are very loving towards me. Even when things are going right I think something bad will happen. I talked about all these things with my mom but it’s not helping. These thoughts keep coming back. I’ve anxiety(told by doctor) but these thoughts just makes me weak and it feels like they are getting out of control and bigger problems. Even if I’m watching a film or show or reading a book I connect negatively to them. Everything bad that happens in movie or book I connect it with myself. Sometimes any dialogue makes me think negatively even if it’s a good one. I keep on having negative thoughts about everything around me. Sometimes my breathing becomes heavy and fast because of all these thoughts. And I don’t know how to cope up.

Hello. I’m 22, turning 23 this month, and all of a sudden today I started crying for my Grandpa. He’s still kicking at 80+ years but he’s getting old. I hear from my uncle that his mind is slowly deteriorating. He’s not the man that we all remember. My heart aches knowing that with every year he grows older. I fear for what is to come. Lately I have been so busy with moving out of my parents’ place into my boyfriend’s place, work, college, I haven’t spent as much time as I should with him. I’m regretting it so much. I know it’s not too late to visit, but I am also scared to see him and be reminded that he isn’t getting younger, and his mind isn’t what it used to be. It’s going to tear me apart. You also mentioned in the article how there might be another fear behind the scenes like loneliness. Recently, my family and I haven’t been getting along, so the thought of my Grandpa, the only person who has loved me unconditionally from the very beginning just leaving all of a sudden really hurts. Bad. I’m crying and can’t got to bed and I don’t want to accept what’s next.

My phone got stolen just few days back. It’s the first time in my life. It carried several memories of my last 3 years of life. More than most of it was not backed up, all gone. As soon as I came into the realisation that my pocket of memories were gone, dying felt better. I wasn’t able to process the situation I got. To many it will sound like me being over dramatic. However, I realised that one breathes life in a non living thing by the heart one puts in it. And this triggered my fear more, of losing my parents one day, since I never had anyone else apart from them since I was a kid. Now I’m 25 and it breaks my heart to see them grow old and weak. Upon that, I have been coming across death news quite often, that’s been affecting me more. Thus, everything I do have started looking meaningless and it feels there’s something heavy weighing on my chest, and there’s a constant voice I can hear within me, telling stuff. I don’t know how to go about things.

Hello, I’m worried about my parents, specifically my mom, passing away. Right now I’m having extreme anxiety about it, I just started college and it’s going ok considering my issues with sleep apnea and anxiety. My mother and father had me late in their lives (40) and recently my grandparents have all gotten more ill with time. I’m very scared about losing these people because I sometimes struggle making new connections in my life. My aunt’s and uncles are having grandchildren and I feel like a disappointment that I haven’t been working towards finding a partner and having children, my parents have never put pressure on me about this but I still feel like I need to provide them with help and love and grandkids. I feel like I am rambling a little bit, but it’s just helpful to get it out. I felt a little stupid searching up feelings of irrational anxiety about loved ones but I’m glad resources like this are here for people. Thank you very much.

I read through all of the comments and responses. But I didn’t see any quite like mine. I’m 35, I’ve been happily married for 10 years to my soul mate, the only person in the whole world who truly knows me and loves me anyway. Together, we have 3 sons (ages 9, 5, and 1). They are our world. My husband is an amazing father. He is the hero, the comforter, the pitcher, the catcher, the head of our home. He is a strong man of God, and loves us all better then we could ever imagine. My boys adore their dad, I am more in love with him now then ever before. While I often wonder what I did to deserve this man, those questions quickly cover me in fear. Heavy, breath taking, gut punching fear. What if he died tomorrow, how would I ever get through it? What would happen to my boys? They would be so broken, so crushed and left with an emptiness that I could never fill. What would we do without him? How would we endure the pain? It feels so real and so unbearable I sob just thinking about it. How do I deal with this? I’ll also add, I AM A THERAPIST! And this cripples me :(.

Hi I just lost a friend suddenly and since having extreme anxiety/panick attacks about losing my young family in the same way, I’m so close with the friends partner who passed that I literally feel in their shoes, how I would cope how I would be enough for my children on my own I’m only 31 it’s crippling me so bad to the point it’s effecting my every day life I just don’t know how to overcome it will I ever feel better? Just have a gut wrenching sick feeling constantly I can’t eat struggling with sleep to.

Hi, Thank you for this article. also my English is bad don`t mind it. I`m 24 and for the past year i have felt like this. Before, I was a girl who afraid of death. i was afraid of thinking, talking about death. also i overthink every little thing in my life. i worried about my past mistakes, thing that i told someone. in the past year, I lost my ex boyfriend due to suicide. we had a 2 year relationship and we had to choose different paths so we broke up. for me that was one thing i had to get over. i really loved him and i really dreamed about our future together. so i really tried to move on and after one year i met someone who liked me before even i know him. after some months i decided to say yes to him because with him i felt i can move on from my first love. i thought everything is now okay and i moved on. after 4 years one day i met my ex oneday and he was depressed. he talked about death all the time so i was afraid that anything will happens to him so every time he calls me i answered his calls without hesitation. me and one of his friend tried hard to save him but at the end we couldn`t. in those days my boyfriend, my friends and my family supported me a lot but i don’t know i was down for several months. i cried every day, i overslept, i didn`t do any works. i felt like it was my fault i blamed me every day. then i tried online counseling, not a professional it’s more like a conversation. after those email conversations i felts little bit well. i learned to live with the grief. but the thing is for the past year most of the time i think about my loved one’s death. i cry after those thoughts, sometimes i cannot sleep. also, i always sleep after 3 a.m. i don’t know why but no matter what i can`t fall asleep before that time. also, whenever i heard about someone death because of suicide i don’t know i feel heaviness in my heart. i search a lot about those peoples like how they died and so on. i just feels the pain even though they are strangers.

Hi. Since past this month, I’ve been getting some really bad anxieties of my parents dying (specially my mom) and it haunts me to death. Lately my mom’s health has started to deteriorate and we can’t really figure out the main cause. Because of this, I’ve started to believe that she’s suffering from a severe disease. At day I’m all fine, but in the night I suddenly start panicking, making scenarios of my mom’s death. I heavily relate to your point that I’m really dependant on my mom. People don’t really talk to me as I’m a boring person (my social life is on the verge of collapsing haha). The only people who makes me feel special are my family. Especially my mom’s the only one who understands me. Losing her means I lose a part of me. The worst part is I don’t know how I’m going to cope up if she somehow, died. There are times when I think I would kill myself if something like happens and honestly, that terrifies me. Reading your article made me to understand myself better

Hi, I am 28 yr old… its been a year and half since i lost my grandfather. He was really dear to me.. Rather the one i love the most.. that was the first time i had experienced the loss of someone so close to me.. Experience human loss had never been an easy experience for me.. In past i did lost both my paternal grandparents. Although i wasn’t close to them, it did left an impact on my find and heart for quite a long time.. But loosing my maternal grandfather had left me to utter shock.. i haven’t been able to recover from the loss… Since then i am really scared of loosing any other loved one.. I do get this feeling of loosing someone near and dear every now and then and that leaves me into anxiety. I don’t know how to get over this… but this has been a worst experience… When things are going smooth suddenly a thought pass by my head that please god don’t take away any of my other family member. Every time i hear anyone’s sudden demise I really get into fear of what if the same thing happens to my loved ones any day… I am scared that what if someday i wake up and i hear some bad news or i don’t see my mom or my brother or my dad… I do check if they are okay in the morning.. That’s been my first thing in the morning…. I hate being so scared… i hate being like this… Recently, I have been getting the flash backs of the last moments of my Grandpa as well.. I know i may sound like a psycho but i am just too scared of loosing any one else… i know i have always been scared of death.. but this has been way too long now.. and i don’t how to get over this.. I do miss my grandpa..and i want to just cherish the happy moments with him and not his last rites.. That had been the worst time of my life..but i have some great memories with him… he’s my hero… and will always be.. whenever i dream of him its always about his last moment.. i want to dream about our happy moments together as well…

I’m 14 but i have been dealing with anxiety about death since i was extremely young. Even when i was as young as 5 I remember crying in my bed because i was scared my grandpa who was in his 80s was going to die and that whenever my dad went to the store for a little too long he was leaving me or when we were on vacation and i lost my parents in the store they were abandoning me because they didn’t like me. Anyways when I was about 10 my grandpa actually did die from a stroke. In a way, I was relieved but I was crying and crying for so long. I am even closer with my other grandparents and they are approaching the age that my other grandpa died at. I am terrified that they will die too and change everything about my whole life. I am aware they probably won’t be alive by the time i graduate college, but it feels like time is just moving by so quickly that their death could just happen in a few years but it would feel like a few weeks. I woke up at 3:30 am and it’s now 4:30 please help me

Hello. I am just turning 13 this year and basically only have my mom, my sister, and my dog. My grandparents both died in their 60s and 70s while my Dad died while I was 6. I am mainly worried of my mom. I keep having images of her funeral and seeing her being old and in her deathbed (hospital bed) with or without me l. I cannot bear to see her suffer. I have a therapist yet even therapy can’t seem to help. My school counselor had to speak with me since I splurged out on my science teacher with all my drama since she was teaching anxiety coping skills. I feel anxious when I am having a good time, I feel gloomy whenever my mom tries to cheer me up.. I just feel like I’m in an endless hole of grief.

PS. My mom is 47 and I am 12 so I keep doing math for some reason (example: “when I’m 50 she will be 85.. at this point she might not live to see me at 60..”

I’m 23, one year ago I lost my boyfriend to Suicide. And ever since that incident I am very paranoid about things like death and grief. Since I was a child I’ve always had this fear of losing my parents to death, I also worry about my sister. So basically 3 persons whom I care the most in my life. My life revolves around them and I’m nothing without them. I agree the writing about having a codependent relationship, I think this is very accurate in case me. My family’s mood and situations heavily affects mine. And as the first child I always think that it’s my responsibility to make things better whenever they go wrong. It’s not that I’m complaining but sometimes I feel so scared thinking about that if someday my parents are with me what am I gonna do? How will I manage stuffs? will I able to take the pain, will I able to do everything after they leave? or should I just kill myself too then. Stuffs like these exhaust me. And I do remind that I’m just assuming a future and I still got my present but that’s not enough for me to call down. I still worry. I’m trying to get a job currently, I have plans to enjoy life with my family but what if one day I wake up and see they’re not with me what do I do then? my plans will come to an end, and eventually my life too.

And all these makes me suffer in my present. What do I do. I think there’s a big pain and suffering waiting for me in the future which has started hurting me from now itself.

Hi My concern is that I have these repetitive patterns of thousands of thoughts which keeps stuck in my head about my father. I love him so much and I just can’t stop thinking what if something happens to him and all the stupid possibility I can’t help it and because of this I am not able to concentrate on other things sometimes. Please help

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How To Overcome The Fear Of Losing Someone You Love: 10 Tips

Theo Harrison

 / 

Have you ever lain awake at night, gripped by the fear of losing someone you love? It’s a poignant question, striking a chord deep within, making us reflect on our most cherished relationships. 

It’s this visceral emotion, both beautifully human yet often distressing, that we will explore today. The better we are able to understand this innate fear, the better we will be able to learn how to overcome the fear of losing someone you love.

The Intricate Web of Human Connections

From the moment we are born, we form attachments. These relationships, whether with our parents, siblings, friends, or romantic partners, shape our existence. The fear of losing someone you love can often be traced back to childhood experiences, perhaps being separated from a parent or losing a childhood pet. 

The thought of such a profound void can create anxiety . Those childhood memories of feeling lost in a supermarket, even for just a minute, can be petrifying and leave an indelible mark on our psyche. 

Consider Anna, a vivacious five-year-old. Once, during a family outing, she lost sight of her parents. That brief moment felt like an eternity. As an adult, Anna still recalls the palpable fear she felt, demonstrating how such early experiences lay the groundwork for future anxieties.

Related: How To Give Someone Space Without Losing Them?

The Domino Effect in Our Daily Lives

What happens when fear takes over? The fear of losing someone in a relationship doesn’t always linger silently. It actively infiltrates our daily routines, choices, and interactions. 

It can give rise to negative emotions and behaviors, such as jealousy, possessiveness, and constant anxiety. It can impede our ability to function daily, question our decisions, or make us overcompensate in relationships.

Steve, deeply in love with his partner Tammy, found himself inundated by fears of her leaving him. This led to him obsessively checking her social media, asking about her day in extreme detail, and feeling irrationally jealous of her male colleagues. 

Tammy, unaware of the depth of his fears, mistook it for mistrust, causing tensions in their relationship.

Decoding the Origins of Our Fears

Why do you have an intense fear of losing someone you love? Is it due to existential realities and personal insecurities? 

Death, change, and the unpredictable nature of life are existential truths we all grapple with. Combine this with personal insecurities, past traumas, or experiences, and it amplifies the fear of losing someone in a relationship .

The unpredictability of life, combined with personal traumas, can amplify our inherent fears. Every news story about accidents, every movie that centers around loss, or even hearing about someone else’s misfortune can act as triggers.

Read The Chilling Truth Behind The Butterfly Apple Optical Illusion: Your Darkest Fears Revealed

The psychology of the fear of losing someone you love

The fear of losing someone in a relationship is a profound and deeply ingrained emotion that has its roots in both our evolutionary past and our personal histories. Here are several psychological perspectives on this fear:

1. Attachment Theory

Proposed by John Bowlby, this theory posits that humans are born with an innate need to form close emotional bonds with primary caregivers, usually parents. This attachment ensures survival, as infants rely on caregivers for sustenance, protection, and care. 

As people mature, this need for attachment transitions to romantic partners, friends, and children. The fear of losing these attachments can cause significant distress because these relationships fulfill deep emotional needs.

2. Evolutionary Perspective

From an evolutionary standpoint, being attached to family members and loved ones had survival benefits. Those who were closely bonded were more likely to protect and care for one another, thereby increasing the chances of survival. 

The fear of loss might have evolved as a mechanism to keep us close to those who can help us survive and reproduce.

3. Existential Psychology

This perspective suggests that our fear of losing a loved one is rooted in our own fear of mortality. Being reminded of the impermanence of life can trigger existential anxiety. 

When we deeply love someone, the thought of losing them brings us face to face with our own transience and the ephemeral nature of existence.

4. Neurobiological Perspective

The intense bonds we form with loved ones are associated with the release of certain chemicals in the brain, such as oxytocin and dopamine. 

These chemicals are associated with pleasure, bonding, and well-being. The potential loss of a loved one threatens this neurochemical balance, leading to distress.

5. Past Trauma

Individuals who have experienced loss or abandonment in the past, especially during childhood, may be particularly sensitive to the fear of losing someone again. Their past traumas can amplify the normal anxieties associated with loss.

6. Cognitive Perspective

Sometimes, the fear of losing a loved one can be exacerbated by cognitive distortions. For example, someone might engage in “catastrophic thinking”, where they always imagine the worst-case scenario. 

If these cognitive patterns are left unchecked, they can contribute to heightened anxiety about loss.

7. Cultural and Social Factors

Our understanding and expression of grief and loss are heavily influenced by cultural and societal norms. Some cultures emphasize the permanence of relationships and the afterlife, while others may focus more on the transitory nature of life. 

Furthermore, media and literature often romanticize the tragedy of lost love, which can shape our perceptions and fears.

8. Personal Identity and Self-concept

For many, close relationships form a significant part of their self-concept . The potential loss of a loved one can feel like losing a part of oneself, leading to an identity crisis.

It’s important to note that a moderate amount of fear or anxiety about losing loved ones is normal and can even be adaptive, reminding us to cherish the time we have with them. 

However, when this fear becomes debilitating or obsessive, it can be indicative of deeper psychological issues, and professional counseling might be beneficial.

Related: Why You Can’t Properly Love Her if You’re Afraid to Lose Her

The Anatomy of Fear: Julia’s Story

The fear of losing someone you love is a complex emotion that intertwines personal experiences, biological instincts, and cultural influences. This case study delves into the psychological facets of this fear, illustrated through the life of “Julia”, a 32-year-old woman.

Julia is a successful marketing professional living in a metropolitan city. She is in a committed relationship with “Sam”, her partner of five years. Despite their strong bond, Julia often finds herself gripped by the fear of losing Sam, manifesting as anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and occasionally, controlling behaviors.

Analysis of Julia’s Fear: 

1. past traumas.

At the age of nine, Julia unexpectedly lost her mother to a sudden illness. This traumatic event was her first brush with the unpredictable nature of life and the fragility of human connections. 

Psychologically, such early life experiences can create schemas – mental frameworks – that shape one’s response to similar scenarios in the future.

2. Attachment Styles

Based on her childhood experiences, especially the sudden loss of her mother, Julia developed an anxious attachment style. Such individuals often fear abandonment and can become overly concerned about their relationships.

3. Biological Factors

From an evolutionary standpoint, forming close bonds and fearing their dissolution is a survival mechanism. Humans are social creatures, and our ancestors relied on close-knit groups to survive. 

The fear of being isolated or losing a loved one might have meant danger or decreased survival chances in primitive times.

4. Societal Pressures

The society Julia lives in places a strong emphasis on romantic relationships as a hallmark of adult success. Such cultural norms can exacerbate individual fears of loss or being alone.

5. Personal Identity and Self-worth

Julia often defined her self-worth based on her relationship status. She viewed her partnership with Sam as a significant achievement, intensifying the fear of its potential loss.

Addressing her fears

To learn how to overcome the fear of losing someone you love , Julia sought therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was particularly beneficial.

1. Recognizing Cognitive Distortions

Julia was taught to identify and challenge her negative thought patterns, such as catastrophizing or black-and-white thinking.

2. Exploring Past Traumas

Therapy provided a safe space for Julia to revisit and process her mother’s sudden demise, understanding its impact on her current fears.

3. Building Self-worth

Julia engaged in activities that bolstered her individual identity and self-esteem outside of her relationship.

4. Understanding Attachment Styles

Recognizing her anxious attachment pattern allowed Julia to address her fears more rationally.

Julia’s journey provides insight into the multifaceted nature of the fear of losing someone you love. While individual experiences can vary, understanding the interplay of past traumas, attachment styles, biology, societal pressures, and self-worth is crucial. 

With the right interventions, it’s possible to navigate this fear, ensuring it doesn’t compromise the quality of one’s relationships or overall well-being.

Related: How to Continue Being Yourself In A Relationship

How to Overcome the Fear of Losing Someone You Love

Overcoming the fear of losing someone you love is a challenging but necessary journey. This fear, if left unchecked, can be debilitating and hinder the quality of the relationship and your overall well-being. 

Here’s a detailed guide on how to overcome the fear of losing someone in a relationship:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

Before addressing the fear, it’s essential to accept its presence . Denying or suppressing it only makes it grow stronger. Understand that it’s natural to fear loss, especially when you deeply care about someone.

2. Communicate Openly

Speak with the person you fear losing about your feelings. Sharing your vulnerabilities strengthens the bond and can offer reassurance. They might share their feelings, too, which can provide a fresh perspective and understanding.

3. Seek Therapy

Sometimes, the fear is deep-seated, stemming from past traumas or unresolved issues. Individual or couples therapy can help address the root causes, provide coping mechanisms, and allow for emotional healing. This is how to overcome the fear of losing someone you love.

4. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, can help ground you in the present moment. Often, our fear stems from either past experiences or anxieties about future possibilities. 

Being present alleviates these anxieties and helps you cherish the current moments with your loved one. 

5. Strengthen Your Self-worth

Sometimes, the fear of loss is tied to feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem. By working on your self-worth—through self-affirmations, setting boundaries, or celebrating personal achievements—you can lessen the fear derived from a perceived “lack” within yourself.

6. Stay Connected with Others

While it’s natural to deeply connect with someone, it’s also vital to maintain other relationships and connections. This diversifies your emotional investments and reduces the pressure on a single relationship.

7. Accept the Nature of Life

Life is unpredictable and ever-changing. Accepting its impermanence can be a philosophical but practical approach. 

This doesn’t mean anticipating loss, but understanding that change is inevitable. This acceptance can bring a sense of peace.

8. Educate Yourself

Reading about attachment styles and understanding where your fears stem from can be enlightening. 

Books like “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller offer insights into how different attachment styles can influence our fears and behaviors in relationships.

9. Engage in Personal Development

Personal growth activities, be it attending workshops, reading books, or joining support groups, can equip you with tools to handle such fears. The more you understand yourself, the better equipped you are to deal with intense emotions.

10. Limit Exposure to Triggers

If certain movies, books, or conversations exacerbate your fear, it’s okay to limit or avoid them. Over time, as you work on your fear and build resilience, these triggers might affect you less.

Related: The Joy and Terror Of Losing Yourself in Relationship

Transforming Fear into Love

It’s essential to remember that while fear is powerful, love is even more so. The fear of losing someone you love, when channeled correctly, can lead to deeper connections, better understanding, and a heightened appreciation of the moments we share. 

With the right tools and mindset, we can transform our fears into a force of love and positivity. So embrace love, cherish the moments, but remember to work on your personal growth and emotional well-being simultaneously. 

With time, patience, and consistent effort, it’s possible to navigate and overcome this fear.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):

What is fear of losing someone you love called .

The fear of losing someone you love is often referred to as “Philophobia” or “Autophobia,” both expressing fear of attachment loss.

How do I stop being afraid of losing someone I love? 

Communicate openly. Build trust. Seek professional help if necessary. Practice mindfulness. Focus on self-care. Embrace uncertainty with resilience.

Why do I have a fear of losing a loved one? 

Fear of losing a loved one often stems from attachment issues, past traumas, insecurity, or anxiety about the unpredictable nature of life.

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How to Overcome the Fear of Losing a Loved One

Last Updated: July 29, 2024 Approved

This article was co-authored by Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT . Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. This article received 11 testimonials and 84% of readers who voted found it helpful, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 239,982 times.

Losing a loved one is hard, no matter what the circumstances. Overcoming the fear of losing loved ones is a very personal experience. Luckily there are research-based techniques that can help such as thinking realistically about death, coping with the fear of loss, and receiving social support.

Thinking Realistically about Death

• Know that you are not alone. Other people can empathize with your situation because they have probably dealt with a similar issue. If you feel comfortable, you can share you feelings with others that have dealt with loss and this can help you have a sense that you are supported and validated in your feelings.
• Validate your own fears and feelings. Say to yourself, “It is okay to be fearful or sad. These are normal responses to the situation.”

• Think of everything you can control about the situation. For example, you can control your own behaviors – what you chose to do about the situation. You can focus on doing your best to comfort and care for your loved one. You can also focus on soothing yourself and expressing your own emotions with loved ones in order to process your grief.
• Let go of what you cannot control. Visualization and imagery can help use gain perspective on what we can and cannot control. Imagine placing your fears on leaves that are floating down a river. Watch them as they drift away.
• Set your limits. If you are caring for a loved one who is ill, this can cause a variety of extra challenges including stretched limits, anxiety, and depressed mood. [5] X Research source Only do what you can do, and set aside time to take care of yourself. You may need to set boundaries with others in order to preserve this time alone.
• Use mindfulness to pay attention to the present moment. We fear because we are thinking about the future and what might happen instead of focusing on the here-and-now and what you can do with this moment. Take charge of what is happening right now (as you are doing by reading this)!

• You can begin to practice acceptance by making a list of all of the difficult emotions and thoughts that coincide with the fear of losing your loved one. Write down your most intimate thoughts and fears and accept each one. You can say to yourself, "I accept my fear and pain. I accept that I might lose this person some day. It will be hard, but I accept that loss is a part of life."
• Remind yourself that death is a part of life. Unfortunately, loss is also something that almost everyone deals with in their lifetime.

• One way to think positively about the world is to recognize the circle of life and that both life and death are natural. In order for there to be life, there must be death. Try to see the beauty in both life and death. The life cycle is an amazing thing that we can learn to appreciate and be thankful for. When one person dies, another can live.
• Practice gratitude. Say something to yourself like, "I may lose my loved one, but at least right now I have the time to spend with them. I will focus on this and be grateful for this time that I have. I am so thankful for each moment I get to spend with them." We can also choose to be grateful that we all, including our loved ones, have the chance to experience life.
• If your loved one is in pain, you can focus on the idea that after they pass there will be no more suffering. You could focus on the fact that regardless of their (and your) beliefs, they will be resting in peace.

Coping with the Fear of Loss

• People typically have ways to cope with certain emotions such as fear, loss, grief and depressed mood. Some examples of positive ways of coping with fear of losing a loved one include exercise, writing, art, nature activities, spiritual/religious behaviors (such as prayer) and music.
• Deal with your feelings appropriately; allow yourself to feel them and let them out if you need to. Higher depression levels (prior to the death of a loved one) may indicate a better adjustment to loss once the loss occurs. Crying can be a healthy and normal release of pent up sadness and fear.
• Keep a fear journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings about losing your loved one.

• Sit or lie down in a comfortable place and position. Breathe deeply and slowly in through your nose and exhale out through your mouth. Concentrate solely on your breathing pattern. Pay attention to your stomach/diaphragm as it moves in and out as you breathe.

• Be more independent and plan for a life of independence.
• Trust that it will get easier and you will be able to cope with it.

• Remember that you are a valuable member of society. Focus on what you do that contributes to the world. Do you help others? Are you kind to strangers? Do you donate to a charity or volunteer your time? Acknowledging these attributes can help you realize that you have a purpose, and can continue that purpose despite losing your loved one. You can even dedicate certain activities or projects to your loved one in the future.
• Try to create meaning in death. An example of creating meaning out of passing away is that death is necessary for life, or that death is simply a gateway to another dimension or reality (such as belief in an afterlife). What does death mean to you? Will your loved one live on in an afterlife? Will you loved one live on in the memories of their loved ones? Or, will their contribution to society live on?

• If you aren't religious or do not believe in a divine creator, you can focus on a higher power such as nature (the moon and ocean are very powerful). A higher power can also be a group of people (since groups can be more powerful than one person).
• Write a letter to your higher power expressing your fears about losing your loved one.
• Pray to your higher power about your feelings and thoughts. Ask for the outcome that you desire (for your loved one to make it through, or for your loved one to not suffer, etc).

Increasing Social Support

• Talk to your loved one about shared memories, as well as what you appreciate about them.
• Make sure you emphasize how you feel about your loved one. Tell them you love them.
• These end-of-life conversations can be very difficult, but you want to make sure you get what you want to convey across so that you don't have regrets. You can try writing down what you what to convey to your loved one before you tell them.

• If you feel the need to talk to a family member or friend, consider asking them. Chances are, you aren't the only person who needs comforting. [8] X Research source
• Surround yourself with family members and create unity through talking about shared memories or engaging in activities together.

• If you are religious or spiritual, try talking to your service leaders to comfort you and help find some appropriate prayers.

• Talk to Your Children About Death. If you have children, make sure to spend some special time talking about the subject of passing on. Most public libraries will have children's books to help you and your children with the subject in a graceful manner.

• Focus on the fact that your relationship and connection with this person can never die.

Expert Q&A

• If you feel like crying, do so. It is a human biological response and it can be embraced in your time of need. Thanks Helpful 8 Not Helpful 1
• Similarly, if you need to surround yourself by distractions from the current events with things such as comedy, friends untouched by the loss, etc. feel free to indulge in this once in a while as well. Thanks Helpful 7 Not Helpful 1

• While this is a very personal time in your life as well as those surrounding you, others may not share your need in crying or laughing. If this is the case, perhaps find a private space or one removed from other grievers in order to complete your personal experience. Thanks Helpful 40 Not Helpful 6

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• ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Debra_Bath/publication/259986496_Separation_from_loved_ones_in_the_fear_of_death/links/004635302abf3ac3e5000000.pdf
• ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
• ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Serge-Dumont-2/publication/6876410_Caring_for_a_Loved_One_with_Advanced_Cancer_Determinants_of_Psychological_Distress_in_Family_Caregivers/links/02e7e536667d2c0a01000000/Caring-for-a-Loved-One-with-Advanced-Cancer-Determinants-of-Psychological-Distress-in-Family-Caregivers.pdf
• ↑ https://www.diva-portal.org/smash/record.jsf;jsessionid=UIgrbUD45CXXe0B3-uBNuYWdxNV13gvb7BiaJO-E.diva2-search7-vm?pid=diva2%3A421343&dswid=-2932
• ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Holly-Prigerson/publication/6755713_Preparing_Caregivers_for_the_Death_of_a_Loved_One_A_Theoretical_Framework_and_Suggestions_for_Future_Research/links/00463516c40bf39699000000/Preparing-Caregivers-for-the-Death-of-a-Loved-One-A-Theoretical-Framework-and-Suggestions-for-Future-Research.pdf
• ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Gilad-Hirschberger/publication/10902917_The_Existential_Function_of_Close_Relationships_Introducing_Death_Into_the_Science_of_Love/links/0912f50a3b91913721000000/The-Existential-Function-of-Close-Relationships-Introducing-Death-Into-the-Science-of-Love.pdf

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The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.

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If you’re having difficulty overcoming the fear of losing a loved one, try to find ways to accept loss as a part of life and work on coping with your emotions. Tell yourself that feeling fearful about death is normal, since accepting your feelings as valid can help you manage them. Do this by saying something to yourself like, “It is OK to be fearful or sad. These are normal feelings that everyone experiences.” If you feel comfortable talking to others about your feelings, share them with a friend or family member, since almost everyone will have dealt with similar fears at some point. To cope with your feelings, take long, deep breaths, which will help reduce your heart rate so you can get your fear and panic under control. Find healthy ways to let out your fear by exercising, creating art, or writing in a journal. For tips from our Relationship co-author on how to keep your relationship with your loved one alive, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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How To Overcome The Fear of Losing Someone You Love

The fear of losing a loved one is a normal human feeling. But worrying too much about losing someone you love can sometimes mean missing the best moments and memories with them. Also, intense and lingering feelings of fear can result in anxiety that doesn’t stop, regardless of how unlikely it is that you’ll lose the one(s) you love. 

These kinds of feelings are commonly present in new relationships, as well. New relationships are typically less safe than well-established ones, potentially leading to more intense doubts and fears about the relationship’s likelihood of longevity. 

There are many reasons why people experience fear of losing someone they love, and those reasons aren’t always easy to identify clearly. There may be remnants from a past relationship that ended poorly, childhood experiences that make it difficult to trust others, fear of change, and more. Regardless of the reasons, there are ways to overcome your fear of losing someone you love and make space for a healthier, more fulfilling time together.

Acknowledge that you are afraid

The first step to overcoming the fear of losing a loved one is acknowledging that you have that fear. This may lead to exploring why you feel that way and observing the behaviors that may contribute, such as pushing people away or instigating arguments without sufficient cause. The ability to express your fear to yourself and your loved one is a step in the right direction toward overcoming it. 

Adapt and adjust to your emotions

Regardless of our goals, taking risks is often necessary to get what we want. Applying for a new job or trying out for sports, for example. New relationships are no exception. Usually, “playing things safely” and refraining from taking risks in a new relationship can contribute to difficulties and even negate the chance that the relationship will bloom. 

One way to adapt is to take stock of how you currently cope with the fear. Do you try to control the relationship? Do you want it always to be perfect and avoid arguments even when they’re reasonable? 

Loving relationships are often based on accepting the whole person, not just the “good” parts. A surface-level connection isn’t sufficient for a deep and lasting partnership; loving someone might mean taking risks and making yourself vulnerable. 

Process past losses

Resolving negative feelings from past relationships is essential for giving your current relationship the attention it requires to be successful. It isn’t always easy, and recovering after you’ve been hurt often takes time and effort. When we don’t resolve our past relationships, the unhealthy patterns contributing to the problems are more likely to carry over to the current relationship. 

If you are in a new relationship and notice old patterns, it’s best to be open to your partner about them. Explain where your fears are coming from and work together to overcome them. They may be able to help you through the process of acceptance for what happened in the past so you can move on with your current relationship.  

Examine your conflicts

Fear of losing a loved one can often lead to disagreements between couples. When people are insecure and fearful, they often seek reasons to support that fear. Be mindful of how you react to your partner. Do your fears cause you to lash out in any way? If you lash out, your partner might feel justified in retaliating, leading to an argument based on fear and insecurity. Instead, try to express your feelings as they come. Let your partner know you are reacting out of fear and insecurity rather than anger toward them. 

Establish open communication with your partner

The above steps probably won’t be effective if you aren’t willing to communicate with your partner. Make it a priority to have honest conversations about your fears and insecurities. Explain how your past influences you and ask your partner to help you move forward. If they do certain things that add to your insecurity, let them know how their actions affect you. 

And, in turn, listen to their insecurities. If you do certain things that make your partner feel insecure, be ready to accept that you may need to make changes. Relationships thrive the best with communication from both sides, so it’s essential to prohibit your fear from standing in the way of having honest conversations together.

Work through fears of loss in online therapy

The fear of losing a loved one is a common one. Many of us would like to keep our partners around forever, and the thought of breaking up or being separated in any way can be unpleasant. But if we don’t accept that it could happen and are willing to live with that, we start coping in ways that will harm our relationships. That’s why it is so vital that you recognize and then work to overcome your fear.

If you have tried applying the above tips on overcoming the fear of losing your loved one, and you still can’t move past your fear, it may be time to ask for help. Many people find that speaking with a therapist has helped them understand why they have complex feelings and how their attitude toward past relationships affects their current relationships. Therapy is also a great way to explore your relationship as a couple and uncover ways to communicate better.  

Some people don’t seek therapy for relationship problems and/or mental health concerns despite the benefits. The reasons for this are many, including worries over discretion and reluctance to speak to a therapist about sensitive relationship topics in person. It’s also difficult for some to fit therapy into the busy work week or find time to go together in the case of couples therapy. Accessibility may be an issue for people who live in more remote areas where the nearest therapist’s office is too far for convenience. The price of therapy may be a deterrent for some as well.

While there are barriers to treatment, most can be resolved through the convenience of online therapy. Unlike traditional therapy, online therapy allows you to attend sessions from the comfort of your home at a time that works best for you. Online treatment is convenient and more affordable than most traditional therapy without insurance. It’s also as effective as conventional therapy for treating mental health issues like depression and anxiety that impact how we communicate and behave in relationships.

For example, a 2018 publication in Science Direct evaluated the results of 64 trials measuring the effectiveness of online therapy. The report determined that online therapy is an “ effective, acceptable and practical health care for anxiety and depressive disorders.”

If you’re ready to explore your fears about losing your love and learn how to overcome them to have a healthier, more fulfilling relationship, talking to a Regain therapist is an excellent place to begin. The Regain platform connects people with online mental health professionals experienced in helping couples and individuals live healthy, balanced lives.  

Counselor reviews

“Buddy helped us get through a rough patch of our relationship. He listened to both sides and helped us bridge the gap. He is extremely compassionate, understanding, and empathetic. He has a wide scope of experience and was able to provide insight into other topics as well, such as grief and loss. Talking to Buddy feels like talking to a good friend who really cares about you. I am so thankful to Buddy for how he helped us, and I highly recommend him to anyone looking for a counselor.”

“I don’t know what I would have done without Harry. I was in a super low place and I was not sure what my problems were or how to solve them, but he was able to help me get to the bottom of my problems and work through them. Today I am happy and feeling like myself again. He was so easy to talk to and worked with me whenever I needed him. Even on vacation, he took time to call me and talk through whatever I was going through. I would highly recommend him.”

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

What is the phobia of losing someone you love?

It is a very common human emotion to fear losing someone you love, especially when you are just getting into a romantic relationship. This phobia of losing someone you love is called thanatophobia . Thanatophobia is formed from the greek works thanto, which means death, and phobia, which means fear. Another meaning of thanatophobia is the fear of death, but it can also apply to the fear of losing someone you love. 

The fear of loss is incredibly common in humans. Nearly everybody has an inherent fear of loss because we work so hard to keep the people we love around us. This phobia of losing someone you love is a natural emotion that you shouldn't shy away from. Instead, the best way to get over your phobia of losing someone you love is first to accept that you have fear. Then, learn to adjust your emotions to compensate for the fear of death and loss that you have. Learn to appreciate the good moments even more, rather than waste them worrying about your phobia of losing people. Worrying about losing someone you love can force you to miss the best moments and memories with them. Finally, establish open lines of communication with your loved ones and recognize that loss is a part of life. 

If you find yourself worried about losing someone you love and seriously affecting your life, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Dealing with the fear of loss is very difficult, and many types of therapy can help greatly. Losing a loved one is a great burden - don’t let the fear of losing a loved one also be a burden. Love and loss are normal, so don’t let fear stop you from enjoying life.

What is traumatophobia?

Traumatophobia is the “morbid fear of battle or physical injury.” This fear of death, injury, or pain is relatively common. Humans have a natural tendency to fear injury and harm, which stems from the fundamental fear of death and the realization of mortality. This type of phobia can manifest itself in many different ways. For example, someone might be too afraid to drive their car because they fear getting hurt or losing control. This type of fear can be debilitating and hurt your overall quality of life.

If you find yourself morbidly afraid of physical injuries, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Many types of therapy can help you overcome this fear. Don’t be scared of losing control and getting injured; instead, learn how to live your life to the fullest. 

How do you get over the fear of losing someone you love?

Getting over the phobia of losing someone you love is a very difficult task but incredibly important. The phobia of losing someone you love is very natural. You obviously care very deeply about this person and don’t want to live life without them by your side. However, you can’t let this fear of losing control of your life and decision-making. The phobia of losing loved ones can be debilitating and force you to miss out on the great moments that you can have with them. Love and loss are deeply intertwined, and it is important to enjoy the love without being afraid of losing loved ones.

The phobia of losing a loved one is deeply rooted in human psychology, and it isn’t necessarily easy to overcome. The first step to overcoming the phobia of losing a loved one is acknowledging that the fear exists. Understand that you are afraid of losing a loved one and that those emotions are natural and justifiable. Then, you need to adjust your emotions and thinking to accommodate that fear of the death of a loved one. Learn to appreciate the current moments without letting your fear of loss distract you. Finally, open lines of communication are key to getting you the support and love that you need to stop worrying about losing loved ones. 

What causes thanatophobia?

Thanatophobia can be caused by many different things and is a fairly common phobia. This phobia of losing life makes sense - all humans have to grapple with their mortality, which is incredibly difficult to do. Being afraid of losing your life doesn’t make you weak. Rather, it’s about finding productive ways to control this fear and live your life to the fullest.

Some of the common causes of thanatophobia include a singular traumatic event, usually from childhood. This can manifest itself as a phobia of losing a life. Other causes include aging, other mental illnesses, or PTSD. Being afraid of losing life is natural. Love and loss are natural. The best thing to do is to acknowledge this fear and learn to adjust your emotions to enjoy every happy moment rather than fear a potentially bad moment down the line. 

What is the #1 phobia?

The most common phobia in America is the fear of public speaking . There are plenty of other phobias that are very common, though. The phobia of losing a loved one is very common, as well as the phobia of losing a life. If you find yourself incredibly worried about losing a loved one, don’t hesitate to seek help from a therapist. Speaking to a mental health expert can help you better understand your fears and emotions. With better understanding comes more appreciation and the ability to enjoy life to a greater degree.

Why do I fear losing someone?  How can I stop being scared of losing someone? Why do I fear losing my loved ones? What is the fear of losing a relationship? Is the fear of losing someone anxiety? 

What are things i can do to help me stop worrying about losing those i love, what is the impact of losing someone you love, how does it feel to lose someone you care so much about, what are the different emotions that you feel when you lose someone , what are some effective tips to help you move forward from loss.

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Fear of Losing Someone You Love: Reasons, Signs & Ways to Cope

Rachael Pace inspires with motivational articles on loving partnerships. She encourages making room for love and facing challenges together.

In This Article

Relationships bring love and joy, but they can also trigger the fear of losing someone dear. In this article, we explore why this fear arises, its signs, and coping strategies.

The fear of losing someone you love stems from our need for connection and past experiences of loss or dependency. Change and life’s uncertainty can also fuel this fear.

Recognize signs like excessive worrying, clinginess, and avoidance. Cope by building resilience, practicing self-care, and fostering open communication. Embrace the present and find healthy ways to manage anxiety. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey.

What is the fear of losing someone you love called?

The fear of losing someone you love is commonly referred to as “separation anxiety.” It’s a natural and deeply human emotion that arises from our strong attachment and fear of being separated from those who hold significant importance in our lives.

On the other hand, the phobia for losing someone you love to death or experiencing extreme anxiety about death is known as Thanatophobia. This intense fear can have a crippling effect on daily life, disrupting one’s well-being and causing unhealthy distress.

Causes of the fear of losing someone you love

The fear of losing someone you love can stem from various causes, each deeply rooted in our human experiences and emotions. Past experiences of loss, abandonment, or a sense of dependency can contribute to this fear. 

Additionally, the fear may be intensified by a fear of change, the unpredictability of life , or a deep attachment to the person. Understanding these causes can help us navigate and address this fear with empathy and self-compassion.

7 reasons behind the fear of losing someone you love

There could be many reasons why you experience the fear of losing a loved one. Here are some common ones.

1. Trauma or bad experiences

The fear of losing someone in a relationship can erupt from negative past experiences.

If you had a traumatic experience in a relationship, it impacts you psychologically. You might start to fear being in a relationship because you might think they will leave.

Maybe you had a toxic relationship and have started looking at all relationships through that lens. You might fear it will happen again, which might impact your decisions. 

According to Grady Shumway , a licensed mental health counselor:

The fear of losing someone in a relationship can be rooted in past traumatic experiences. If you’ve endured a toxic relationship or other negative experiences, it can shape your perception and create a fear of abandonment or loss in future relationships. Processing these past experiences can help mitigate their impact on current and future relationships.

2. Insecurity

The fear of losing someone you love in a relationship can also be a result of insecurity.

When people are not confident enough or may feel not good enough for their partner, they experience fear of losing someone. 

Maybe you belittle yourself or think you don’t deserve love. These thoughts can make you fear losing a loved one. 

3. Their treatment towards you

Fear of losing someone you love also arises when someone mistreats you . You keep succumbing to their toxicity because you keep hoping they will change, but their behavior makes you feel insecure, and you fear losing them.

 4. Uncertainty and change

Life’s unpredictability and the fear of change can contribute to the fear of losing someone. The fear of the unknown and the potential disruption to familiar routines and dynamics can create anxiety.

5. Dependency and reliance

The fear of losing loved ones can be a consequence of over-dependency. Relying heavily on someone for emotional support and fulfillment can magnify the fear of losing them. The idea of losing that source of support and stability can be overwhelming and unsettling.

Just as Grady Shumway explains:

The fear of losing loved ones can intensify with over-dependency, where reliance on someone for emotional support and fulfillment amplifies the anxiety of losing them. This reliance can make the prospect of losing that support and stability feel especially daunting and unsettling.

7 signs that you are experiencing the fear of losing someone

Worried if you have unhealthy thoughts about the fear of losing a loved one?

Here are the signs to watch out for when experiencing the phobia of losing someone you love.

1. You become preoccupied with thoughts of losing them

This is usually the start of having unhealthy thoughts of losing the people you love. While it’s normal to think about this once in a while, it becomes unhealthy when, upon waking up, you already imagine situations where you might lose the people you love.

You begin your day, and you notice that you start to associate the fear of losing someone with everything around you.

You watch the news, and you put yourself in that situation. You hear that something terrible has happened to your friend, and you begin associating this same event with yourself.

These thoughts may start as minor details, but you will become occupied with these intrusions over time.

2. You tend to become overprotective 

Once you start feeling anxious about losing the people you love, you become overprotective to the point that you can already be irrational.

You stop allowing your partner to ride his motorcycle, fearing that the person you love would encounter an accident.

You start calling your partner now and then to check if everything is alright, or you start to panic and have anxiety attacks if your partner fails to answer your chats or calls.

3. You start pushing the people you love away

While some people can be overprotective and manipulative, others can do the opposite.

The feeling of dread of losing the one you love can escalate to the point that you want to distance yourself from everyone.

For some, learning how to deal with losing the love of your life can be unbearable.

You start to avoid any form of closeness, intimacy and even love to make sure that you shield yourself from the pain of loss. 

4. You face overwhelming anxiety

Experiencing intense anxiety, panic attacks, or a constant feeling of unease when separated from your loved one, even for short periods of time.

5. You sense loss of enjoyment

Finding it difficult to enjoy activities or engage in hobbies independently, as the fear of losing your loved one overshadows other aspects of life.  

11 ways on how you can cope with the fear of losing someone

Yes, you are scared, and the fear of being left behind is horrible. But how to overcome fear of losing someone.

It’s hard to accept that sometimes, the person you love the most is gone, and learning how to cope with losing the love of your life or even the thought of it is hard.

This thought can strip you of your happiness and can even lead to depression.

But would you instead eliminate your chance of being happy over the feeling of loss that hasn’t happened yet?

If you want to start dealing with the fear of losing someone, then check out these ways on how you can start living your life without death anxiety.

1. The fear of losing someone you love is normal

We are all capable of loving, and when we love, we also feel scared that we might lose the person we cherish. It’s normal to feel scared sometimes.

Most people have also dealt with loss in their lives, and this fear never goes away. That’s how we can empathize with other people.

Start with validating the emotion that you are feeling. Start by telling yourself it’s okay and normal to feel this way.

2. Put yourself first

Understandably, we tend to get used to someone being there for us and loving us. It’s one of the most beautiful feelings that we could ever have.

However, we should also know that nothing is permanent. That’s why our happiness shouldn’t depend on another person.

If you lose this person, will you also lose the will to live?

The fear of losing someone is hard, but it’s harder to lose yourself in loving another person too much. 

3. Accept loss

Acceptance can do so much in one’s life. Even when you’re stuck wondering how to deal with the fear of losing someone.

Once you begin practicing acceptance, life becomes better. This is also effective when dealing with the loss of a relationship.

Though, you have to remember that acceptance will need time. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just remember that death is a part of life.

4. Write a diary

When you start feeling death anxiety or that overall feeling of fear, start to write them down. 

Start a diary, and don’t be afraid to write down what you are feeling and a list of all of the extreme emotions and thoughts that you are having. 

After every entry, list what you can do to help yourself accept that loss is a part of life. 

You can also start putting notes on what helped you overcome these thoughts, and you can reflect on them when you need to. 

5. Talk about your worries

Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner.

You are in a relationship, and the person who should know your worry is none other than your partner.

Your partner can help you by listening to your worries and assuring you that no one is in control of everything. Having someone to talk to and having someone who understands can mean a lot.

6. Know you can’t control everything

Life happens. Whatever you do, you can’t control everything. You’re just giving yourself a hard time.

The sooner you accept that you can’t control everything, the sooner you will learn how to cope up with that fear.

Start by letting go of what you can’t control. 

Then, the next step is to focus on the things you can control. For example, you can control how you can react to certain situations. 

Do you want to live a life of constant fear?

7. You’re not alone

Aside from talking to your partner, you can also talk to your family. In fact, this is the time when you need your family beside you.

Dealing with anxiety is never easy.

That is why having a strong support system will help you overcome the fear of losing the people that you love.

8. Live your life

Having the constant fear of losing the people that you love will stop you from living your life.

Can you see yourself surrounded by the four corners of fear, uncertainty, anxiety, and sadness?

Instead, try your best to overcome death anxiety and start living your life to the fullest. Make memories, tell the people you cherish how much you love them, and be happy. 

Don’t dwell on situations that haven’t happened yet.

9. Mindfulness can help a lot

Are you familiar with mindfulness?

It’s a great practice that we should all start learning. It helps us to stay in the present moment and not dwell on the uncertainty of our future.

We can no longer change our past, so why stay there? We are not yet in the future, and we don’t know what will happen then, so why worry about it now?

Start by being grateful for your present time, and allow yourself to enjoy this moment with your loved ones.

10. Help others

By offering help and support to other people dealing with the same problem, you are also giving yourself a chance to heal and be better.

By talking to the people who need it the most, you don’t only offer healing, but you are also building a strong foundation for yourself.

11. Focus on the present moment

Stay grounded in the present by practicing mindfulness. Shift your focus from worrying about the future to appreciating and cherishing the present moments with your loved one.

Some more questions

Relationships can stir up fears and uncertainties. Let’s explore some common questions about the fear of losing someone and discover compassionate answers that provide clarity and support.

Is the fear of losing someone normal?

Yes, the fear of losing someone is a common and normal human experience. Our deep emotional connections can trigger fears of separation and loss, highlighting the importance of the relationship.

Is the fear of losing someone the same as the fear of abandonment?

While related, the fear of losing someone and the fear of abandonment have distinct nuances. The fear of losing someone encompasses a broader range of potential losses, whereas the fear of abandonment specifically focuses on being left behind or rejected.

How does the fear of losing someone you love develop?

The fear of losing someone can develop from various factors, such as past experiences of loss, attachment styles, fear of change, and a strong emotional dependence on the person. Each person’s experiences shape their individual fear.

What can I do to strengthen my relationship and reduce my fear of losing my partner?

Focus on building trust, nurturing open communication, and cultivating a healthy sense of independence within the relationship. Engage in activities that foster connection and support, seek professional help if needed, and practice self-care to alleviate fears.

How do I stop being afraid of losing someone I love?

Addressing the fear involves acknowledging and understanding its roots, practicing self-compassion, challenging negative thoughts, and developing coping mechanisms. Openly communicating with your loved one about your fears can also help build a foundation of reassurance and support.

Look beyond the fear

We will all experience the fear of losing someone we love. It’s natural, and it only means that we can love deeply.

However, if we can no longer control this emotion, it will begin to disrupt our lives and the lives of the people we love.

So try your best to cope with the fear of losing someone you love and, in the process, learn to appreciate the time you have now.

Love deeply and be happy. Don’t regret anything that you are doing for love, and when the time comes that you will face that day, you know that you have done your best and that the memories that you have shared will last a lifetime.

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Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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Losing the Ones I Love Most Is My Greatest Fear

In: Journal

• 4  Minute Read

There is always a risk in love. Loving someone is such a vulnerable thing because as you give your heart to that person, you don’t know what will happen to it.

I’ve found when I think about the people I love most in life, I sometimes fall into the fear trap. I fear rejection, I fear abandonment, but my biggest fear of all is that I will somehow lose them.

I have always been a bit morbid. I remember crying in bed at night as a little kid and even into my teenage years thinking about my loved ones dying. Although I may have been a bit dramatic, I think this is a reality that we all think about at some point. Losing people is a part of life. A really scary and sad part of life.

These thoughts have become even more hard to bear as I’ve gotten older and started a family of my own.

As I look at my amazing husband and beautiful baby, I can feel that fearful, awful thought creep into my mind. What if I lost them?

What if they get sick? What if they get hurt? What if they die?

It’s too much to think about so I shut my eyes and shake my head in hopes I can physically remove the thoughts.

I can’t, though.

I try to tell myself God will protect them. But I can’t act like I don’t see and hear those stories. The child with terminal cancer; the car accident; the unthinkable. They happen. And the reality is that God doesn’t love my husband or baby more than any of the husbands and babies terrible things happen to.

God’s protection and love do not guarantee any duration of life on this earth. It doesn’t guarantee we never get sick. It certainly doesn’t guarantee our loved ones will never suffer. God’s love just guarantees we will never go through these things alone, and that someday after this life, we will get to be with Him.

I think about all these things and then my prayers turn to this: please don’t let anything happen to them while I’m here on Earth. I know they would get to be with you, but I’d have to be here without them. Please, please, please.

My dad always says, “We only have today.” And it’s so true. And even today isn’t guaranteed. We will die, all of us. But we are also so blessed to have this one life.

And that’s where I find my peace—that I have been given today. I get to live and enjoy my family today. I get to be a blessing to someone else today.

I have been trying to change my what if to what now . What do I have right now to be grateful for? What NOW can I do to be in the moment, to enjoy this life.

I remember there is no fear in love, so if I don’t want to live in the what ifs, love must be the answer.

So today I choose to live in the now, in these beautiful moments, in the love.

When the fear comes in, I remind myself that right now, we are here, we are happy and we get to love each other right where we are. Right now is the blessing. It’s all we have.

Think about it, how would we cherish each other if time wasn’t so limited? If we never had to say good bye, would small moments even be valuable? Would we even feel the need to be present in the moment, if infinite moments were to come? Maybe, just maybe, the fact that we don’t live forever is a blessing, too.

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Kelli Bachara

Kelli Bachara is a wife and mom to two sweet kiddos. She is a mental health therapist, writer, and podcaster. Kelli loves her Goldendoodle, coffee, and this beautiful thing called life. You can find her at www.kellibachara.com .

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You’re a Little Less Baby Today Than Yesterday

Tiny sparkles are nestled in the wispy hair falling across her brow, shaken free of the princess costume she pulled over her head this morning. She’s swathed in pink: a satiny pink dress-up bodice, a fluffy, pink, slightly-less-glittery-than-it-was-two-hours-ago tulle skirt, a worn, soft pink baby blanket. She’s slowed long enough to crawl into my lap, blinking heavy eyelids. She’s a little less baby today than she was only yesterday.  Soon, she’ll be too big, too busy for my arms.  But today, I’m rocking a princess. The early years will be filled with exploration and adventure. She’ll climb atop counters and...

Dear Husband, I Loved You First

Dear husband, I loved you first. But often, you get the last of me. I remember you picking me up for our first date. I spent a whole hour getting ready for you. Making sure every hair was in place and my make-up was perfect. When you see me now at the end of the day, the make-up that is left on my face is smeared. My hair is more than likely in a ponytail or some rat’s nest on the top of my head. And my outfit, 100% has someone’s bodily fluids smeared somewhere. But there were days when...

Stop Being a Butthole Wife

Stop being a butthole wife. No, I’m serious. End it.  Let’s start with the laundry angst. I get it, the guy can’t find the hamper. It’s maddening. It’s insanity. Why, why, must he leave piles of clothes scattered, the same way that the toddler does, right? I mean, grow up and help out around here, man. There is no laundry fairy. What if that pile of laundry is a gift in disguise from a God you can’t (yet) see? Don’t roll your eyes, hear me out on this one. I was a butthole wife. Until my husband died. The day...

I Can’t Be Everyone’s Chick-fil-A Sauce

A couple of friends and I went and grabbed lunch at Chick-fil-A a couple of weeks ago. It was delightful. We spent roughly $20 apiece, and our kids ran in and out of the play area barefoot and stinky and begged us for ice cream, to which we responded, “Not until you finish your nuggets,” to which they responded with a whine, and then ran off again like a bolt of crazy energy. One friend had to climb into the play tubes a few times to save her 22-month-old, but it was still worth every penny. Every. Single. One. Even...

Love Notes From My Mother in Heaven

Twelve years have passed since my mother exclaimed, “I’ve died and gone to Heaven!” as she leaned back in her big donut-shaped tube and splashed her toes, enjoying the serenity of the river.  Twelve years since I stood on the shore of that same river, 45 minutes later, watching to see if the hopeful EMT would be able to revive my mother as she floated toward his outstretched hands. Twelve years ago, I stood alone in my bedroom, weak and trembling, as I opened my mother’s Bible and all the little keepsakes she’d stowed inside tumbled to the floor.  It...

Sometimes Friendships End, No Matter How Hard You Try

I tried. We say these words for two reasons. One: for our own justification that we made an effort to complete a task; and two: to admit that we fell short of that task. I wrote those words in an e-mail tonight to a friend I had for nearly 25 years after not speaking to her for eight months. It was the third e-mail I’ve sent over the past few weeks to try to reconcile with a woman who was more of a sister to me at some points than my own biological sister was. It’s sad when we drift...

Goodbye to the House That Built Me

In the winter of 1985, while I was halfway done growing in my mom’s belly, my parents moved into a little brown 3 bedroom/1.5 bath that was halfway between the school and the prison in which my dad worked as a corrections officer. I would be the first baby they brought home to their new house, joining my older sister. I’d take my first steps across the brown shag carpet that the previous owner had installed. The back bedroom was mine, and mom plastered Smurf-themed wallpaper on the accent wall to try to get me to sleep in there every...

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Democracy challenged

‘A Crisis Coming’: The Twin Threats to American Democracy

Credit... Photo illustration by Matt Chase

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By David Leonhardt

David Leonhardt is a senior writer at The Times who won the Pulitzer Prize for his coverage of the Great Recession.

• Published Sept. 17, 2022 Updated June 21, 2023

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The United States has experienced deep political turmoil several times before over the past century. The Great Depression caused Americans to doubt the country’s economic system. World War II and the Cold War presented threats from global totalitarian movements. The 1960s and ’70s were marred by assassinations, riots, a losing war and a disgraced president.

These earlier periods were each more alarming in some ways than anything that has happened in the United States recently. Yet during each of those previous times of tumult, the basic dynamics of American democracy held firm. Candidates who won the most votes were able to take power and attempt to address the country’s problems.

The current period is different. As a result, the United States today finds itself in a situation with little historical precedent. American democracy is facing two distinct threats, which together represent the most serious challenge to the country’s governing ideals in decades.

The first threat is acute: a growing movement inside one of the country’s two major parties — the Republican Party — to refuse to accept defeat in an election.

The violent Jan. 6, 2021, attack on Congress , meant to prevent the certification of President Biden’s election, was the clearest manifestation of this movement, but it has continued since then. Hundreds of elected Republican officials around the country falsely claim that the 2020 election was rigged. Some of them are running for statewide offices that would oversee future elections, potentially putting them in position to overturn an election in 2024 or beyond.

“There is the possibility, for the first time in American history, that a legitimately elected president will not be able to take office,” said Yascha Mounk, a political scientist at Johns Hopkins University who studies democracy.

Vote Margins by State in Presidential Elections since 1988

Senate representation by state.

Residents of less populated states like Wyoming and North Dakota, who are disproportionately white, have outsize influence.

1 voter in Wyoming

has similar representation as

1 voter in North Dakota

6 voters in Connecticut

7 voters in Alabama

18 voters in Michigan

59 voters in California

has similar

representation as

Landslides in 2020 House Elections

There were about twice as many districts where a Democratic House candidate won by at least 50 percentage points as there were districts where a Republican candidate won by as much.

Landslide (one candidate won

by at least 50 percentage points)

Barbara Lee

Calif. District 13

Jerry Nadler

N.Y. District 10

Diana DeGette

Colo. District 1

Donald Payne Jr.

N.J. District 10

Jesús García

Ill. District 4

Landslide (one candidate won by at least 50 percentage points)

Presidential Appointments of Supreme Court Justices

Supreme Court appointments

Presidential election winners

Popular vote

Electoral College

Party that nominated a justice

David H. Souter (until 2009)

Clarence Thomas

Ruth Bader Ginsburg (until 2020)

Stephen G. Breyer (until 2022)

John G. Roberts Jr.

Samuel A. Alito Jr.

Sonia Sotomayor

Elena Kagan

Neil M. Gorsuch

Brett M. Kavanaugh

Amy Coney Barrett

Ketanji Brown Jackson

Supreme Court

Presidential election

nominated a justice

Souter (until 2009)

Ginsburg (until 2020)

Breyer (until 2022)

State Legislators and Election Lies

The share of Republican state legislators who have taken steps, as of May 2022, to discredit or overturn the 2020 presidential election results

Pennsylvania

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