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Divorce: Causes and Consequences - By Alison Clarke-Stewart and Cornelia Brentano

2007, Family Court Review

Related Papers

Family Relations

Jeffrey Cookston , sanford braver

In this synthesis of the international literature on psychological aspects of divorce, the causes and consequences of divorce for parents and children are summarized. The majority of parents and children show no major long-term adverse psychological consequences to divorce. Personal and contextual factors that mediate the impact of divorce on parents and children and that may account of the negative impact of divorce on a minority of parents and children are also examined. The impact of mediation and of post-divorce therapy are described and priorities for research and service development identified.

Sociology Compass

Virginia Rutter

What is the case for divorce? Researchers in the sociology of family tend to find that divorce's impact depends on what the comparison is: compared to a distressed marriage, divorce has its benefits. Meanwhile, policy makers and general audiences alike get much of their information about divorce research via the news media, where the negative consequences of divorce tend to be exaggerated, especially when comparisons, selection bias, or other research issues are neglected. Over the past 20 years, U.S. news coverage of divorce illustrates two key, intertwined topics: moral entrepreneurship using divorce as an issue and divorce research using (or not) careful methods of comparison. Three cases discussed below (in 1988–1989, 2002–2004, and 2008) illustrate these two themes. The underlying research on the health and mental health effects (including by gender) of divorce on children and adults reviewed in this article makes a case for divorce. The overlay of media reporting on divorce research illuminates the purpose for offering a case for divorce.

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The Main Causes of Divorce Essay

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Introduction

Relationship issues, other causes.

• The goal of the present literature review is to examine the main causes of divorce. The topic is important for the field of psychology since marital happiness is one of the pillars of maintaining a high quality of life. I am interested in the topic due to my preoccupation with the peculiarities of modern marriage and how both centuries-old issues and new trends influence matrimonial bonds.
• Research questions pertaining to the chosen topic embark on the internal and external factors contributing to the likelihood of divorce. Researchers seek to establish whether relationship issues are more detrimental to marriage as opposed to difficulties experienced outside the bond, be it being on bad terms with relatives or substance abuse. Methodology includes cross-sectional observational studies, and main findings point to the importance of communication in a couple.

Relationship issues were found to be the main cause of divorce; this category is broad, and the types of issues need to be specified.

Rationality

In their observational study, Aghababei, Haghighatian, and Far (2017) examined cases of divorce and outlined the most common types of divorce and factors contributing to the conflict. The study found that rationality and thoughtfulness accounted for fewer fights in the divorce process.

Communication

Amato and Previti (2003) investigated couples’ responses regarding the causes of divorce. The findings showed that growing apart was caused by the lack of meaningful communication.

Divorce prevention through solving relationship issues

A study by Gravingen et al. (2017) showed that the best way to prevent divorce was timely therapeutic and family interventions aiming to improve spouses’ communication skills.

Substance abuse such as alcoholism is detrimental to all life aspects of an individual who is affected by the condition. In case one of the partners in a married couple consumes alcohol in excess, his or her addiction affects their spouse directly which may push them to the brink of divorce.

Alcohol-induced conflicts

A descriptive study of 60 couples showed that the disputes arising when one of the partners is heavily inebriated might lead to divorce (Vasudevan, Gethi, Bhaskar, & Areekal, 2015).

Alcohol and finances

Amato and Previti (2003) emphasize the strain that excessive alcohol consumption puts on a couple’s finances which leads to fights.

When two people enter matrimony, they expect their partners to be faithful. Cheating may make the betrayed partner consider divorce.

The gravity of infidelity

Gravingen et al. (2017) found that infidelity was the second leading cause of divorce in Great Britain.

Conflicts caused by infidelity

Amato and Previti (2003) revealed that infidelity-related issues have an accumulative effect: a couple where one or both partners cheat experience growing tension.

Divorce is a complex issue, and it is challenging to categorize all the causes. Researchers deem it important to mention as many factors as possible.

Physical abuse

Amato and Previti (2003) reason that among common causes of divorce are neglect and physical abuse.

There has been a great deal of research on the nature of divorce. Some studies mentioned in the present review point that more often, it is not possible to pinpoint a single cause as the issue is more nuanced than that. The strengths of the studies mentioned are their methodology and relevance. The research reviewed in the paper was conducted recently, and the findings were based on real people’s responses and their experiences. The weaknesses might include sampling: a study by Vasudevan et al. is characterized by a small sample size which might make the results not inferential.

The question arises as to how trustworthy divorce studies are and whether there are any knowledge gaps. The validity of some studies might be suffering from the non-response error in which specific groups of people abstain from sharing information. In the future, researchers should enlarge sample sizes and randomize sampling to include respondents with diverse backgrounds. One should pay attention to the causes of divorce and conflicts that precede the decision to end a marital relationship.

Aghababei, A., Haghighatian, M., & Far, S. (2017). A study of divorce and conflict (Case study: Typology of divorce and role conflict of divorced women covered by the relief committee in Chaharmahal and Bakhtiari province). International Journal of Scientific Study, 5 (3) , 201-207. Web.

Amato, P. & Previti, D. (2003). People’s reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 602-626. Web.

Gravingen, K., Mitchell, K., Wellings, K., Johnson, A.M., Geary, R…& Mercer, C. (2017). Reported reasons for breakdown of marriage and cohabitation in Britain: Findings from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3). PLoS One 12 (3): e0174129. Web.

Vasudevan, B., Devi, G., Bhaskar, A. & Areekal, B. (2015). Causes of divorce: A descriptive study from Central Karala. Journal of Evolution of Medical and Dental Sciences, 4 (20), 3418-3426. Web.

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Causes and Effects of Divorce

Introduction, effects of divorce, works cited.

Since 1860 when the United States Bureau of statistics started keeping records of divorces, the frequency of divorce cases has continued to increase based on the same reasons. Reasons have remained relatively the same in comparison to the ever-increasing rise in cases. Studies have also highlighted that the reasons are as complex as extramarital affairs to mediocre reasons such as irritating small behaviors of the partner. It is widely accepted that divorce is part of life and separation between two persons is bound to continue (Wallerstein, p. 85). However, there have been some misinterpretations of the findings collected by current researchers. It is important to note that these findings are based on earlier conclusions based on research that was most likely liable to errors and mistakes. Such research findings and papers have been assumed as true thus setting the precedence of misinformation. It is thus the purpose of this paper to clarify earlier findings in order for us to present the true picture of the causes and effects of divorces.

Reasons for divorce have always remained sketchy as the real reasons can only be known by the two couples. However the most common forms of reasons that have led to the separation of couples include:

Money : This reason has always remained an emotive issue among couples as this is clearly manifested by ninety percent of the couples who surveyed, responded that they may have fought over money at least once during their relationship. 30% of respondents admitted to separating over other issues which were compounded by lack of money.

Sexual Problems : This reason in most cases has always been denied by couples as physical conditions or sexual malfunctions are considered to be uncommon (Wallerstein 101). Sexual problems are largely contributed to preconceived notions and ideas that are based on unacceptable attitudes towards sex. It was difficult for the couples to approach the topic of sex. Over fifty percent of couples admitted that a sexual problem was the root cause of infidelity within their marriages.

Immaturity: Many couples separated from each other after the couples exhibited behavior that the partner saw as inappropriate and childish. Such behaviors later behavior are then seen as intolerable making life difficult for both as there exists a lack of understanding between the couples.

Alcohol and substance abuse: This is also one of the most commonly cited issues among separating couples. Although data on abuse is not conclusive, many couples have often cited substance abuse as one of the reasons that lead to violent abuse that have even led to injuries and fatalities in worse-case scenarios.

In-laws: This is a prevalent reason used by young couples as meddling from external members and excessive hassles from external members of family.

Respect : Respect among couples is imperative as both come from different backgrounds. Having a different background often means that the couples have to come up with ways of living together and tolerating each other. Disrespect is manifested through physical and verbal attacks.

The above-mentioned reasons are just some of the most prevalent. It is also very difficult to establish the main reasons that couples may separate. We may never have a definite reason as to why the rate of divorce keeps on increasing but it may be easier to conclude on the effects divorce brings to society. This is because effects are much more profound in families, hence making it simpler to track. The family unit is facing numerous issues today as the effects of divorce are having a direct impact on the lives of children and how they will relate with others in the future. Research conducted by Lenor Weitzman confirmed that men were shown to heal faster and do well economically after separation. It was also found out that as opposed to the common belief that fathers were less interested in their families after separation, the research found out that fathers continued to be loving towards their kids and family (Wallerstein, p. 101).

Research also found out that both couples underwent intense emotional periods while seeking closure on the whole issue of separation. Depending on the number of years that they have been together, the couple may have to resolve all the underlying issues that may have led to the separations.

Wallerstein, Judith. The California Children of Divorce Study. California: University Of Southern California, 1999.

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• Divorce statistics

Causes Of Divorce: 19 Of The Most Common Reasons

By Brette Sember, JD Updated Mar 15, 2024

Stay informed about divorce by joining our newsletter.

What are the most common reasons for divorce? Of course, this is a subjective question, as the reasons people get divorced are as varied as the reasons they fall in love.

However, certain issues arise more often: conflict, infidelity, poor communication, incompatibility, and a lack of romantic intimacy. Even though the overall divorce rate is decreasing among adults aged 16 to 65, approximately 45% of marriages in the US still end in divorce.

Read on to learn about the 19 most common reasons people decide to divorce.

What Are The Most Common Causes of Divorce?

According to various studies, the four most common causes of divorce are lack of commitment, infidelity or extramarital affairs, too much conflict and arguing, and lack of physical intimacy. The least common reasons are lack of shared interests and incompatibility between partners.

The 19 Most Common Reasons for Divorce

1. too much conflict, incessant arguing.

Constant conflict, bitter battles, and going to bed angry every night are no one’s idea of a healthy marriage.

"How you handle conflict is the single most important predictor of whether your marriage will survive."

How long could you stick it out when your home – which is supposed to be your place of peace and release from the daily grind – is more stressful than your worst day at work? In a good marriage, your spouse is your partner, your shelter from the storm, and your number-one cheerleader when you’re down.

In a high-conflict marriage, your spouse is as emotionally dangerous as a terrible boss. Unless interrupted by marriage counseling or therapy, this negative spiral will continue downward until the only place left to go is divorce.

Related Reading

2. Lack of Commitment

A happy and healthy marriage requires commitment from both spouses. Unfortunately, it only takes one spouse with a lack of commitment to the relationship to doom the marriage. If one partner isn’t fully committed to the other, then the marriage will eventually suffer.

Sometimes, the spouse who is still committed to the relationship believes they can singlehandedly save their marriage if they work harder at it. After all, if they put in 200% while their spouse puts in 0%, that equals 100% – right?

When their marriage inevitably ends, after the shock and disbelief have worn off, their rage at being used and taken for granted during the relationship may lead to a very difficult divorce.

3. Infidelity / Extramarital Affairs

Being cheated on by the person who vowed to remain faithful to you forever is a bitter pill to swallow, and most people consider this to be an unforgivable offense. Infidelity doesn’t always lead to divorce, but it does destroy how you see your relationship.

Discovering that your spouse has been engaging in an extramarital affair makes you ask three questions:

• Can my marriage survive this betrayal?
• Can I ever trust my spouse/partner again?
• Am I willing to work on my marriage, or is my partner’s infidelity the last straw?

The answer to these questions depends on whether both of you are willing and able to repair your relationship – almost certainly with the help of a marriage and family therapist (MFT) .

To rescue your relationship, you will have to forgive your partner – and your partner will have to make a genuine apology and commit to acting to end their cheating for good. If you have been drifting apart, focus on reconnecting rather than pointing fingers and playing the blame game.

4. Lack of Emotional and/or Physical Intimacy

Emotional and physical intimacy “grease the wheels” of a smooth-running relationship. When they’re gone, however, serious relationship issues often take their place.

Communication breakdown, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, infidelity, and greatly diminished self-esteem are some of the most serious issues – and left untreated, they can irreparably damage a relationship and pave the road to divorce.

When emotional intimacy is low or non-existent, your sex life will probably suffer as well. When you feel emotionally distant or disconnected from your spouse, your marriage may become a sexless one.

To reignite the spark, try to remember why you fell in love with your spouse and consciously view them through those lenses.

Also, think about what you used to love doing together and carve out time to do those things together again. Spending quality time doing something you both enjoy can help rebuild emotional intimacy, leading to physical intimacy.

Emotional and physical intimacy is like super-glue to strengthen your love and marriage bonds.

5. Communication Problems Between Partners

A breakdown in the lines of communication is one of the biggest predictors of divorce. Couples who don’t communicate well cannot resolve issues together and tend to suffer more misunderstandings and hurt feelings than those who have learned how to resolve conflict respectfully.

Good communication is physical as well as verbal, and it is required for almost everything in a good relationship, including sex, a couple’s finances, whether or not to have children, areas of disagreement, and other sensitive topics unhappy couples deem too dangerous to discuss.

An inability to communicate turns problem-solving sessions into shouting matches, which will eventually kill love, intimacy, and respect in your relationship.

To make it through the inevitable tough times, you must be willing and able to talk about what’s wrong or not working and decide how to resolve these issues together.

“Being able to communicate well requires both good transmission skills (articulation) and good receptive skills (listening). Without both, communication will be, at best, difficult.”

6. Domestic Violence: Abuse by a Partner or Parent

Domestic violence can include any act of tangible or threatened abuse – including verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, and/or economic abuse. In such a relationship, one person gains or maintains power over their partner via a pattern of abusive behavior.

This abuse can be directed solely at a spouse, or it can also involve one or more children of the marriage. If you or your children are in immediate danger, call 911 now!

For 24/7 confidential help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

In October 2022, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) merged to form Project Opal .

For more resources, visit: https://ncadv.org/get-help

7. Opposing Values or Morals

There have been literal wars fought over differences in race, religion, nationality, and culture – and persecution based on all of these, plus gender, sexuality, and even which political party someone supports.

When two spouses have or develop opposing values and/or morals, and neither can or is willing to see things from their spouse’s point of view, the marriage is likely to end in divorce.

She believes in a woman’s right to choose, and he believes life begins at conception; his best friend is gay, and his wife is homophobic. They fell in love despite their religious difference, but those differences are tearing them apart now that they have children.

When you’re in love, you tend to overlook or rationalize red flags that your core values and morals are too different for a healthy relationship – but when the rose-colored glasses come off, those differences make it difficult or impossible to sustain a happy marriage.

8. Addiction: Alcohol, Drugs, Gambling, or Sex

There are many different types and degrees of addiction, and many top professionals – politicians, businesspeople, doctors, lawyers, portfolio managers, actors, and athletes, to name a few – have been able to hide their addiction successfully as they rose to the top.

Their spouses may be blissfully unaware, willing to look the other way in return for lifestyle/economic benefits, or gaslighted into believing they’re crazy to suspect their spouse’s addiction. No matter how the moment of truth arrives, it is always shattering.

Whether the marriage can survive depends on several factors – including the addict’s willingness and ability to take responsibility for their addiction, a genuine desire to seek treatment, and a lifelong commitment to recovery.

9. Absence of Romantic Intimacy or Love

This one is far too common given how busy and stressful our lives are – especially when you add driving the kids to football/hockey/baseball/ballet/orchestra/theater/choir practice before and after school into the mix.

Too many couples prioritize everything except their relationships, and then one partner is blindsided when the other says, “I want a divorce.” Contrary to popular belief, romantic love is not self-sustaining: without carving out quality time for intimacy and fun as a couple – not just as a family – love withers like a plant without water or sunshine.

Create a weekly carved-in-stone date night. For example, go to bed, wake up earlier, and use the time for daily physical (cuddling and/or sex) and emotional intimacy. Remember what you loved doing while you were dating, then start doing those things again before it’s too late!

10. One Spouse Not Carrying Their Weight in the Marriage

We all know marriages like this: both spouses work full-time, but only one of them takes responsibility for grocery shopping and cooking, household chores, and child-rearing.

Over time, the spouse whose work doesn’t end when they get home can build up a powerful resentment against the other, and unless the situation is addressed and rectified, the marriage could spiral down into divorce.

Sit down and list everything that needs to be done to keep the household running smoothly. Then, place a name beside each task, making sure to divide the chores equitably.

Don’t forget to add your children’s names to tasks they are old enough to tackle or help with – from setting the table to washing the dishes to mowing the lawn to vacuuming the carpets.

“Not carrying your weight” extends to romance and intimacy; if one partner is the only one making romantic gestures, arranging date nights, or initiating sex, that will also take a toll on the marriage.

11. Financial Problems and Debt

Money has been tight for many couples over the last few years. Arguments about money can become nasty and vindictive – and if a couple lacks the communication skills to discuss their financial problems calmly and rationally, that can be a reason for divorce.

In a marriage, financial problems are not limited to carrying massive debt and/or being unable to cover necessities. When the way spouses think about money and debt – no matter how much or how little of it they actually have – are fundamentally incompatible, it can also cause the breakdown of a marriage.

If financial problems are your main issue, consider hiring an expert specializing in financial divorce issues. They could save money by recommending the most efficient property division, tax, and support strategies.

A divorce financial analyst can also provide scenarios extrapolating your cash flow and net worth 5, 10, or even 20 years into the future if you choose Settlement A vs. Settlement B.

12. Marrying Too Young

A study from the University of Utah suggests that the perfect age to get married is between 28 and 32 . This is because those who marry young most likely don’t fully grasp marriage. This could be a reason why a lot of young married couples get divorced.

About 46% of couples who get married young get divorced. Also, 48% of couples who marry before they turn 18 are most likely to get divorced in 10 years, compared to 25% of people who marry after the age of 25.

13. Lack of Shared Interests / Incompatibility Between Partners

Opposites may attract, but similarities are what bind. With no shared interests, you will either start spending less and less time with your spouse as you pursue your hobbies and passions or give them up in favor of your spouse’s interests.

Both of these strategies will build resentment and weaken the bond you share. If you hope to stay together, you will likely need marriage counseling and a willingness to compromise.

For example, if he loves bowling and she loves dancing, he could bowl with his buddies on Thursdays while she goes dancing with her girlfriends – and then they identify something they both love and do that on “Friday date night.”

This applies to every area of your shared life, from household chores to choosing which extracurricular activities their children will do. If you cannot reach a compromise that both of you can commit to, your incompatibility may lead to divorce.

14. Religious Differences

Religious beliefs and practices play a pivotal role in shaping an individual's worldview, values, and daily rituals.

When two partners come from different religious backgrounds, it can sometimes lead to disagreements on fundamental life choices, from dietary habits to child-rearing practices.

While many interfaith couples find ways to blend their beliefs and traditions, for others harmoniously, the differences can become a source of recurring conflict. The challenge often lies in reconciling deeply held beliefs and finding common ground, especially during significant life events or ceremonies.

In some cases, external pressures from family or the broader community can exacerbate these differences.

Religious differences can significantly lead to marital discord without open communication and mutual respect.

15. Parenting Differences

Parenting is one of the most rewarding yet challenging responsibilities a couple can undertake together.

Differences in parenting styles, stemming from individual upbringings, personal beliefs, or cultural backgrounds, can become a significant source of tension in a marriage. While one partner might advocate for a more disciplined approach, the other might lean towards a lenient and nurturing style.

These disparities can lead to disagreements, ranging from education choices to setting boundaries and disciplinary actions. As children grow and navigate different life stages, these differences can become more pronounced, especially if not addressed early on.

Effective co-parenting requires open communication, compromise, and a unified front. Without these, parenting differences can strain the marital relationship, leading to deeper misunderstandings and conflicts.

16. External Family Pressures

Marriage often means merging two families, bringing along a mix of expectations and traditions. External pressures from in-laws, cultural differences, or unsolicited advice can strain a marriage.

Balancing the couple's needs with extended family demands is crucial. Without clear boundaries and open communication, these pressures can lead to resentment, potentially pushing a couple toward divorce.

17. Unrealistic Expectations

Every individual enters marriage with a set of expectations, often shaped by personal experiences, societal norms, or portrayals in media. While some expectations are reasonable, others can be unrealistic, setting the stage for disappointment and conflict.

Whether it's about roles in the household, financial achievements, or emotional support, when reality doesn't align with these lofty ideals, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment. For a marriage to thrive, it's essential for partners to communicate openly, adjust expectations, and understand that perfection is unattainable.

Unrealistic expectations, if unchecked, can become a silent threat to marital harmony.

18. Trust Issues

Trust is the bedrock of any strong relationship, and its absence can create deep fissures in the foundation of a marriage. Trust issues can stem from past betrayals, misunderstandings, or personal insecurities.

Whether it's doubts about fidelity, financial decisions, or even smaller daily matters, a lack of trust can lead to constant second-guessing and surveillance. This atmosphere of suspicion can stifle open communication and intimacy.

For a marriage to overcome trust issues, it often requires open dialogue, understanding, and sometimes professional counseling. If not addressed, persistent trust issues can erode the bond between partners, making reconciliation challenging.

19. Supporting Each Other's Goals

In a marriage, individual aspirations don't disappear; they intertwine with shared dreams.

Supporting each other's goals is pivotal for mutual growth and fulfillment. When one partner feels their ambitions are sidelined or undervalued, it can lead to feelings of resentment and stagnation.

Whether it's career advancements, personal passions, or educational pursuits, acknowledging and championing these aspirations strengthens the marital bond. Conversely, neglecting or undermining a partner's goals can create a rift, making one feel unsupported or isolated.

Successful marriages often thrive on mutual respect and encouragement, ensuring both partners feel valued in their pursuits.

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Divorce, Its Causes, Effects, and Solutions

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• Relationships

5 Most Common Causes of Divorces and Breakups

The breaking point is the result of unsolved problems and accumulating wounds..

Posted August 24, 2024 | Reviewed by Margaret Foley

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• Rather than focusing on changing the other, the goal is to change the emotional climate.

After six years together, Trevor and Cami have called it quits. The arguing never stops, and the good times are rare. Trevor feels henpecked, while Cami feels ignored.

When couples are on the verge of breakup or divorce , they usually talk about reaching some bottom line—like Trevor and Cami, tired of the never-ending arguments, the control and neglect; for others, physical violence or affairs. Whatever “it” is, they’re done.

But beneath these bottom lines of fed-upness are usually longstanding issues that have finally reached their boiling points. Here are the five most common ones:

1. Arguments that get out of control

Arguments and disagreements are often about clearing the air, finally dealing with a problem swept under the rug or a by-product of a stressful and perfect storm. But when arguments get out of control, where neither one can pump the brakes, this is where you’re in dangerous territory—hurtful comments, name-calling, and even violence that create scars and longstanding resentments.

2. Unsolved problems

These out-of-control arguments may be followed by a few days of ignoring each other, pretending nothing has happened, or humbly apologizing. But the couple resists circling back to the topic for fear of igniting another argument. For conflict-avoidant couples who bite their tongues and substitute arguing with emotional distance, the outcome is the same—problems go unsolved and become landmines, and the couple is always walking around on eggshells.

So, Trevor and Cami can’t bring up Christmas 2018, mention Cami’s brother, or address Trevor’s increasing pot use; they can’t agree on parenting and sabotage each other. Their conversations are minimal, and tension and distance are ever present. The relationship becomes narrow and stale.

3. Triggering of emotional wounds

We all walk out of our childhoods with hot-button emotional triggers. The most common ones are feeling micromanaged and criticized—Trevor—or dismissed or neglected—Cami. Not only do these triggers start the arguments, but each trigger fuels the other’s: Trevor pushes back when feeling micromanaged, which in turn triggers Cami's feeling of not being heard.

4. Accumulating resentments

The steady arguments or distance, the constant triggering of emotional wounds, and the stacking up of unsolved problems take a toll. The past, rather than filled with good memories and feelings, is littered with hurts and wounds that periodically flare up and create an undertow of depression , hopelessness, or smoldering resentment. Each is sensitized to the negative; anything positive seems like an aberration.

5. Lack of common interests and connections

Finally, some couples try to bypass the above problems by distraction. They stop being a couple and become mom-and-pop, focused on kid activities, or workaholics, leaving little time or energy for their relationship. As the kids get older and more independent, the couples retire from work and the old glue that held them together is gone. The thought of spending the next 20 or more years being roommates is no longer an option.

How do you avoid breakups or divorces? The answer is obvious but can feel difficult: You need to tackle the issues you’re struggling with most.

Rein in arguments.

To avoid the damage that arguments can cause, you need to do two things: One is controlling your emotions to keep the arguments from getting out of hand. The key is focusing on you, realizing your anger is rising, and taking behavioral steps to put on the brakes—say that you’re upset and leaving but will return, listening rather than arguing back. This is about lowering the temperature, not getting your way.

Circle back and solve problems.

While step one is lowering the temperature of the argument, step two is circling back and solving the problem rather than making up and sweeping it under the rug. The key here is waiting until emotions have completely cooled so you can get out of your emotional brains and devise a plan that will work for both of you.

Heal wounds by not stepping on them.

Trevor needs to let Cami know that he is sensitive to being told what to do; Cami needs to tell Trevor that when he gets angry and pulls away or doesn’t follow through on what she is asking, she feels dismissed and neglected. Rather than arguing about whose reality is right and who is more the victim, their challenge is working together not to trigger each other.

This is not about Trevor or Cami biting their tongues but instead about being sensitive to how they raise issues; each needs to look to the other to provide guidance. Trevor needs to tell Cami how to speak differently so he is not triggered, just as Cami needs to tell Trevor how to express his feelings without triggering her feeling dismissed.

Replace resentments with compassion and appreciation.

Because you can’t change the past, the key to healing resentments is changing what you do in the present—showing compassion and appreciation, avoiding dipping into the past when angry, and instead moving forward to solve everyday problems.

Build connection by making the relationship the focus.

The challenge here starts with talking about the elephant in the room—namely, the disconnection and distraction. Next, you break autopilot patterns by consciously creating new ones: scheduling date nights and sex , exploring new interests—rock concerts, tango lessons, bird-watching. You need to move your relationship from the back burner to the front.

The theme is clear: controlling emotions, solving problems, moving forward, and finding better ways of connecting. Rather than being resentful and trying to change the other person, focus on changing the emotional climate.

Taibbi, R. (2017). Doing couple therapy, 2nd ed. New York: Guilford.

Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., has 50 years of clinical experience. He is the author of 13 books and over 300 articles and provides training nationally and internationally.

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What is stress?

Eustress vs. distress, how stress can make you sick, signs and symptoms of chronic stress, causes of stress.

• What's stressful for you?

How much stress is too much?

Improving your ability to handle stress, stress symptoms, signs, and causes.

Chronic stress can take a heavy toll on your mind, body, and behavior. But by identifying the stressors in your life, and distinguishing eustress from distress, you can reduce its harmful effects.

Stress is your body’s way of responding to any kind of demand or threat. When you sense danger—whether it’s real or imagined—the body’s defenses kick into high gear in a rapid, automatic process known as the “fight-or-flight” reaction or the “stress response.”

The stress response is the body’s way of protecting you. When working properly, it helps you stay focused, energetic, and alert. In emergency situations, stress can save your life—giving you extra strength to defend yourself, for example, or spurring you to slam on the brakes to avoid a car accident.

Stress can have other positive aspects, sometimes referred to as “eustress.” For example, it can help you rise to meet challenges such as keeping you on your toes during a presentation at work, sharpening your concentration when you’re attempting a game-winning free throw, or driving you to study for an exam when you’d rather be watching TV.

But while not all stress is bad for you, beyond a certain point, it stops being helpful and starts to cause major damage. Stress that feels overwhelming can have a negative impact on your health, mood, productivity, relationships, and your quality of life.

If you frequently find yourself feeling frazzled and overwhelmed, it’s time to take action to bring your nervous system back into balance. You can protect yourself—and improve how you think and feel—by learning how to recognize the signs and symptoms of chronic stress and taking steps to reduce its harmful effects.

How stress works: The stress response

When you feel threatened or in danger, your body’s stress or “fight or flight” response is automatically triggered. Your nervous system releases a flood of stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, which rouse the body for emergency action.

Your heart pounds faster, muscles tighten, blood pressure rises, breath quickens, and your senses become sharper. These physical changes increase your strength and stamina, speed up your reaction time, and enhance your focus—preparing you to either fight or flee from the danger at hand.

Stress doesn’t always look stressful

Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:

Foot on the gas . An angry, agitated, or “fight” stress response. You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.

Foot on the brake . A withdrawn, depressed, or “flight” stress response. You shut down, pull away, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.

Foot on both . A tense or “freeze” stress response. You become frozen under pressure and can’t do anything. You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.

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It can be helpful to think of stress as being on a spectrum. At one end, you have “eustress” or positive stress, the manageable levels of stress that can motivate you to meet challenges at work, school, or in your personal life. While eustress may take you out of your comfort zone, it can help you to meet the challenge of a job interview or first date, for example, or complete a project at school or work that means stretching yourself and learning new skills.

At the other end of the spectrum, you have “distress,” the stress that makes you feel overwhelmed. This negative stress can damage your mood and outlook, disrupt your sleep, and trigger health issues such as depression and anxiety. Distress occurs when you feel you’re under more stress than you can handle, whether it’s from feeling too busy at work, not having enough money, or suffering an illness or bereavement.

Everyone experiences stress differently

Your individual perception of stress can also affect whether you experience positive eustress or negative distress in a situation. For example, if an impending work deadline leaves you feeling worried, exhausted, and overwhelmed by, you’ll likely experience distress. On the other hand, if you the same impending deadline makes you feel excited about the positive affect it could have on your career, then stress you experience is more likely to be eustress, motivating and helpful.

Similarly, something that’s stressful for one person may not faze someone else; they may even enjoy it. While some of us are terrified of getting up in front of people to speak, for example, others live for the spotlight. And while you may enjoy helping to care for your elderly parents, your siblings may find the demands of caretaking overwhelming and stressful.

Your nervous system isn’t very good at distinguishing between emotional and physical threats. If you’re super stressed over an argument with a friend, a work deadline, or a mountain of bills, your body can react just as strongly as if you’re facing a true life-or-death situation. And the more your emergency stress system is activated, the easier it becomes to trigger, making it harder to shut off.

If you tend to get stressed out frequently, like many of us in today’s demanding world, your body may exist in a heightened state of stress most of the time. And that can lead to serious health problems. Chronic stress disrupts nearly every system in your body. It can suppress your immune system, upset your digestive and reproductive systems, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, and speed up the aging process. It can even rewire the brain, leaving you more vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems.

Health problems caused or exacerbated by stress include:

• Depression and anxiety.
• Pain of any kind.
• Sleep problems, such as insomnia.
• Autoimmune diseases.
• Digestive problems.
• Skin conditions, such as eczema, stress rash, or hives.
• Heart disease and high blood pressure.
• Weight problems.
• Reproductive issues.
• Thinking and memory problems.

When you’re stressed out, the hormones produced by your body in a stressful situation can trigger a variety of physical and emotional responses.

• You may feel sick or dizzy, anxious, worried, or nervous, or become tense, angry, short-tempered, or even despairing.
• Physically, you may react by sweating excessively, experiencing muscle aches, chest pains, blurred eyesight, or itchy skin.

But many symptoms of stress can be less immediately noticeable. That’s because the most dangerous thing about stress is how easily it can creep up on you. In fact, many of us simply get used to it. After a while, feeling constantly stressed can start to feel familiar, even normal. You don’t notice how much it’s affecting you, even as it takes a heavy toll on your health and well-being.

That’s why it’s important to be aware of the common symptoms of excessive stress. These include:

Cognitive symptoms:

• Memory problems.
• Inability to concentrate.
• Poor judgment.
• Seeing only the negative.
• Anxious or racing thoughts.
• Constant worrying.

Emotional symptoms:

• Depression or general unhappiness.
• Anxiety and agitation.
• Moodiness, irritability, or anger.
• Feeling overwhelmed.
• Loneliness and isolation.
• Other mental or emotional health problems.

Physical symptoms:

• Aches and pains.
• Diarrhea or constipation.
• Nausea, dizziness.
• Chest pain, rapid heart rate.
• Loss of sex drive.
• Frequent colds or flu.

Behavioral symptoms:

• Eating more or less.
• Sleeping too much or too little.
• Withdrawing from others.
• Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities.
• Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax.
• Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing).

Is it stress or anxiety?

Stress and anxiety are closely connected. They share many similar symptoms, such as muscle tension, moodiness, and sleep, concentration, and digestive problems. In fact, overwhelming stress can even lead to anxiety and panic attacks.

However, stress is often caused by a specific trigger or “stressor,” such as work pressure, a break-up, or financial problems. Once the circumstances change, the stress usually starts to ease up.

An anxiety disorder, on the other hand, doesn’t necessarily have a specific trigger and the feelings of unease often remain even when the circumstances have changed and the stressor is resolved.

Read: Anxiety Disorders and Anxiety Attacks .

The situations and pressures that cause stress are known as stressors. We usually think of stressors as being negative, such as an exhausting work schedule or a rocky relationship. However, anything that puts high demands on you can be stressful. This includes positive events such as getting married, buying a house, going to college, or receiving a promotion.

Of course, not all stress is caused by external factors. Stress can also be internal or self-generated, when you worry excessively about something that may or may not happen, or have irrational, pessimistic thoughts about life.

Finally, what causes stress depends, at least in part, on your perception of it. Something that’s stressful to you may not faze someone else; they may even enjoy it. While some of us are terrified of getting up in front of people to perform or speak, for example, others live for the spotlight. Where one person thrives under pressure and performs best in the face of a tight deadline, another will shut down when work demands escalate. And while you may enjoy helping to care for your elderly parents, your siblings may find the demands of caretaking overwhelming and stressful.

Common external causes of stress include:

• Major life changes.
• Work or school problems.
• Relationship difficulties.
• Financial troubles.
• Being too busy.
• Children and family.

Common internal causes of stress include:

• Pessimism, a negative outlook on life.
• Inability to accept uncertainty.
• Rigid thinking, lack of flexibility.
• Negative self-talk.
• Unrealistic expectations/perfectionism.
• All-or-nothing attitude.

Top 10 stressful life events

According to the widely validated Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, these are the top ten stressful life events for adults that can contribute to illness:

• Death of a spouse
• Marriage separation
• Imprisonment
• Death of a close family member
• Injury or illness
• Marriage reconciliation

What’s stressful for you?

Whatever event or situation is stressing you out, there are ways of coping with the problem and regaining your balance. Some of life’s most common sources of stress include:

Stress at work

While some workplace stress is normal, excessive stress can interfere with your productivity and performance, impact your physical and emotional health, and affect your relationships and home life. It can even determine the difference between success and failure on the job. Whatever your ambitions or work demands, there are steps you can take to protect yourself from the damaging effects of stress, improve your job satisfaction, and bolster your well-being in and out of the workplace.

Job loss and unemployment stress

Losing a job is one of life’s most stressful experiences. It’s normal to feel angry, hurt, or depressed, grieve for all that you’ve lost, or feel anxious about what the future holds. Job loss and unemployment involves a lot of change all at once, which can rock your sense of purpose and self-esteem. While the stress can seem overwhelming, there are many steps you can take to come out of this difficult period stronger, more resilient, and with a renewed sense of purpose.

Financial stress

Many of us, from all over the world and from all walks of life, are having to deal with financial stress and uncertainty at this difficult time. Whether your problems stem from a loss of work, escalating debt, unexpected expenses, or a combination of factors, financial worry is one of the most common stressors in modern life. But there are ways to get through these tough economic times, ease stress and anxiety, and regain control of your finances.

No matter how much you’ve been looking forward to it, retiring from work can bring stress as well as benefits. Escaping the daily grind and a long commute can seem like a great relief at first. But after a few months you may miss the sense of identity, meaning, and purpose that came with work, the structure it gave your days, and the social aspect of having co-workers. To help you through the stress of retirement , there are healthy ways to make adjustments and deal with this major life change.

Caregiver stress

The demands of caregiving can be overwhelming, especially if you feel that you’re in over your head or have little control over the situation. If the stress of caregiving is left unchecked, it can take a toll on your health, relationships, and state of mind — eventually leading to burnout. However, there are plenty of things you can do to rein in the stress of caregiving and regain a sense of balance, joy, and hope in your life.

Grief and loss

Coping with the loss of someone or something you love is one of life’s biggest stressors. Often, the pain and stress of loss can feel overwhelming . You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. While there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time, can ease your sadness and help you come to terms with your loss, find new meaning, and move on with your life.

Because of the widespread damage stress can cause, it’s important to know your own limit. But just how much stress is “too much” differs from person to person. Some people seem to be able to roll with life’s punches, while others tend to crumble in the face of small obstacles or frustrations. Some people even thrive on the excitement of a high-stress lifestyle.

Factors that influence your stress tolerance level include:

Your support network . A strong network of supportive friends and family members is an enormous buffer against stress. When you have people you can count on, life’s pressures don’t seem as overwhelming. On the flip side, the lonelier and more isolated you are, the greater your risk of succumbing to stress.

Your sense of control . If you have confidence in yourself and your ability to influence events and persevere through challenges, it’s easier to take stress in stride. On the other hand, if you believe that you have little control over your life—that you’re at the mercy of your environment and circumstances—stress is more likely to knock you off course.

Your attitude and outlook . The way you look at life and its inevitable challenges makes a huge difference in your ability to handle stress. If you’re generally hopeful and optimistic, you’ll be less vulnerable. Stress-hardy people tend to embrace challenges, have a stronger sense of humor, believe in a higher purpose, and accept change as an inevitable part of life.

Your ability to deal with your emotions . If you don’t know how to calm and soothe yourself when you’re feeling sad, angry, or troubled, you’re more likely to become stressed and agitated. Having the ability to  identify and deal appropriately with your emotions can increase your tolerance to stress and help you bounce back from adversity.

Your knowledge and preparation . The more you know about a stressful situation, including how long it will last and what to expect, the easier it is to cope. For example, if you go into surgery with a realistic picture of what to expect post-op, a painful recovery will be less stressful than if you were expecting to bounce back immediately.

How well do you handle stress in your life?

Ask yourself which of these statements apply to you:

• I have people I confide in when I’m feeling under pressure who make me feel better.
• I feel comfortable expressing how I feel when something is bothering me.
• In general, I feel in control of my life and confident in my ability to handle what comes my way.
• I find reasons to laugh and feel grateful, even when going through difficulties.
• No matter how busy I am, I make it a priority to sleep, exercise, and eat right.
• I’m able to calm myself down when I start to feel overwhelmed.

Each “yes” answer represents an important stress coping skill. Each “no” represents an area to work on to better deal with stress and become more resilient.

Improving how well you handle stress means building your resilience. The more resilient you are, the better you’re able to not just tolerate stress, but also cope with uncertainty and adversity, and rebound from setbacks in life.

Resilience isn’t a quality that you’re either born with or not. Rather, it’s something that you can learn to build over time.  

Building resilience can help you to:

• Stay focused and productive in stressful circumstances.
• Improve how well you communicate under pressure.
• Feel more confident when facing hardships, setbacks, or uncertainty.
• Maintain control of your emotions when you’re stressed out—even strong ones like anger or despair.

[Read: Surviving Tough Times by Building Resilience]

Tips to relieve stress and build resilience

Get moving . Upping your activity level is one tactic you can employ right now to help relieve stress and start to feel better. Regular exercise can lift your mood and serve as a distraction from worries, allowing you to break out of the cycle of negative thoughts that feed stress. Rhythmic exercises such as walking, running, swimming, and dancing are particularly effective, especially if you exercise mindfully (focusing your attention on the physical sensations you experience as you move).

Connect to others . The simple act of talking face-to-face with another human can trigger hormones that relieve stress when you’re feeling agitated or insecure. Even just a brief exchange of kind words or a friendly look from another human being can help calm and soothe your nervous system. So, spend time with people who improve your mood and don’t let your responsibilities keep you from having a social life. If you don’t have any close relationships, or your relationships are the source of your stress, make it a priority to build stronger and more satisfying connections .

Engage your senses . Another fast way to relieve stress is by engaging one or more of your senses —sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, or movement. The key is to find the sensory input that works for you. Does listening to an uplifting song make you feel calm? Or smelling ground coffee? Or maybe petting an animal works quickly to make you feel centered? Everyone responds to sensory input a little differently, so experiment to find what works best for you.

Learn to relax . You can’t completely eliminate stress from your life, but you can control how much it affects you. Relaxation techniques such as yoga, meditation, and deep breathing activate the body’s relaxation response, a state of restfulness that is the polar opposite of the stress response. When practiced regularly, these activities can reduce your everyday stress levels and boost feelings of joy and serenity. They also increase your ability to stay calm and collected under pressure.

Eat a healthy diet . The food you eat can improve or worsen your mood and affect your ability to cope with life’s stressors. Eating a diet full of processed and convenience food, refined carbohydrates, and sugary snacks can worsen symptoms of stress, while a diet rich in fresh fruit and vegetables, high-quality protein, and omega-3 fatty acids, can help you better cope with life’s ups and downs.

Get your rest . Feeling tired can increase stress by causing you to think irrationally. At the same time, chronic stress can disrupt your sleep. Whether you’re having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep at night, there are plenty of ways to improve your sleep so you feel less stressed and more productive and emotionally balanced.

[Read: Stress Management]

More Information

• Stress Management - Enhance your well-being by reducing stress and building resilience. (Harvard Medical School Special Health Report)
• Understanding the Stress Response - Learn what happens in your body when you’re stressed, and how chronic activation of this survival mechanism impairs health. (Harvard Health)
• Stress Effects on the Body - An interactive guide to how stress affects the physical health of your body. (American Psychological Association)
• Stress and Your Health - Learn how stress affects women’s health. (Office on Women’s Health)
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Jennifer lopez files for divorce from ben affleck on anniversary of second wedding ceremony.

Bennifer is no more – again. 

Jennifer Lopez has filed for divorce from Ben Affleck after two years of marriage.

According to TMZ , she filed the divorce papers in Los Angeles Tuesday — the same day as the two-year anniversary of their second wedding ceremony that took place in Georgia.

Lopez listed the date of separation as April 26, 2024, meaning they haven’t been a couple for nearly four months.

She allegedly didn’t reveal if there’s a prenuptial agreement; however, sources tell TMZ that the exes didn’t have one in place. If that’s the case, everything they’ve made from their short-lived marriage would be deemed community property.

She also waived the right to spousal support and asked the judge to deny Affleck support.

The Post has reached out to Lopez and Affleck’s reps for comment.

They were last photographed together in May. Affleck was noticeably absent from her 55th “Bridgerton”-themed birthday celebrations in the Hamptons in July. They were also not together on the second anniversary of their Vegas wedding that same month.

Just last week, Lopez was spotted at Affleck’s rental home on his 52nd birthday. She danced the night away at Bruno Mars’ concert — without the birthday boy in sight.

Affleck and Lopez were initially together from 2002 to 2004. They ended their first engagement in 2004, and went on to marry and have kids with other people, before rekindling their flame in 2021.

Lopez would reveal their engagement news in her “On the JLo” newsletter.

“We’re older now, we’re smarter, we have more experience, we’re at different places in our lives, we have kids now, and we have to be very conscious of those things,” she told People of their rekindled romance.

“It’s a beautiful outcome that this has happened in this way at this time in our lives where we can really appreciate and celebrate each other and respect each other,” she went on. “We always did, but we have even more of an appreciation because we know that life can take you in different directions.”

She added, “We have been in the game in the public eye long enough to know who we are as people and what really matters and what doesn’t matter. We have kids and we respect each other. … We really live our lives in a way we can be proud of and our kids can be proud of you. We’re just operating from a place of love and respect for everyone in our lives and that is very important to us. We know what the truth is [and] we hold it sacred.”

The Oscar winner and Lopez tied the knot at the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas in July 2022. They went on to hold a second, more extravagant wedding at Affleck’s home in Riceboro, Georgia, on Aug. 20, 2022.

Affleck has kids Violet, 18, Seraphina, 15, and Samuel, 12, with his first ex-wife, Jennifer Garner, 52, who he  split from in 2015 after 10 years of marriage.

Lopez is mom to 16-year-old twins Emme and Max with ex-husband Marc Anthony.

Their blended family seemed amicable, with Affleck even attending some family events with both Garner and Lopez and their kids. 

In Lopez’s Prime Video documentary, “ The Greatest Love Story Never Told ,” (now streaming), Affleck said that when they rekindled their relationship,  he had one demand .

“Getting back together, I said, ‘Listen, one of the things I don’t want is a relationship on social media,’ ” he said in the film. 

But, he gave in. 

“Then I sort of realized it’s not a fair thing to ask. It’s sort of like you’re going to marry a boat captain and (you’re like), ‘Well, I don’t like the water.’ ”

He added, “We’re just two people with … different approaches, trying to learn to compromise.”

Lopez has posted about Affleck on social media frequently, such as a photo of the couple kissing or cuddling on vacation .

In that same documentary, Lopez said that it was Affleck “who made me believe in myself. Maybe I’m setting myself up to be f–king criticized again, I don’t know,” she said of their reunited romance. “But this is what my heart’s telling me to do. I’m facing the truth. I’m not the same as I was 20 years ago.”

On-screen, her famous friend Jane Fonda also said to Lopez , “I don’t entirely know why, but I feel invested in you and Ben, and I really want this to work. However, this is my concern. Like, it feels too much like you’re trying to prove something instead of just living it. You know, every other photograph is the two of you kissing and the two of you hugging.”  

Despite his statement that he was learning to “compromise” with Lopez’s more publicity-friendly lifestyle, Affleck has frequently looked unhappy when he’s accompanied his wife to splashy music industry events.  His unenthusiastic demeanor even became a meme at the 2023 Grammys. 

The rumors that they were on the rocks began when she attended the 2024 Met Gala solo . 

Then, it was reported that Affleck was staying at a separate house from Lopez .

Lopez was also spotted going house hunting without Affleck, implying that she wasn’t planning to live with him moving forward. 

“They started having issues a few months ago, as Jen had started ramping up work commitments and prepping for her tour … They are on two completely different pages most of the time,” a source told Us Weekly .

Amid the drama, the “Jenny From the Block” singer “liked” an Instagram post detailing the qualities of a partner that could lead to an unhealthy relationship .

The message read that “you cannot build a healthy relationship with somebody” who “lacks integrity and emotional safety,” “doesn’t respect your time,” lacks “communication skills” and doesn’t have a strong sense of self.

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